Stating the Obvious

You can really tell how you feel about something/someone/someplace when it is gone...or threatens to leave. Des Moines hasn't treated me super well in the past year or so but preparing to leave still makes me sad. I can't really tell if it is the fear of change or leaving some people behind that makes me so sad. I've moved all my life. Staying in this area for 10 years is an all-time record for me. I think the longest I stayed anywhere prior to this was 2 years. I already lack childhood friends from all those moves and now this. People try to comfort others by saying that true friends will stay friends no matter the distance. Yeah, I can say that in one instance this has been true for me. I just think that all my friends have kids and that makes nurturing friendships very low on the list of things to do every day.

I'm hoping that as our move day gets closer the positive side of moving will overwhelm the negative side. Of course I want to be with my husband--especially for the sake of the girls--but part of me is worried that I'm boarding some ship that is going to set sail and never port for very long again. I felt the same way growing up. As soon as I felt like I had friends and wasn't being picked on for being the new kid anymore--we picked up and moved. I used to cry so hard I made myself sick. Every single time we moved...even if no one liked me yet...I still cried so hard. Ick. Maybe I wouldn't be so freaked out if this move wasn't premised as a temporary thing. Avy is old enough now that she remembers her friends and actually asks to see them. I feel bad that I'm moving her. I know she'll adapt and be fine but I can't help but worry that it will hurt her a bit. I also created a moms group with the intention of letting all of our children grow up together. I love that we have all started out together with our tiny babies as new moms and now we get to watch as one-by-one they go through the same phases (with mine going through it all first as the oldest of the bunch!). That is all something I can't create again no matter where we go. Kind of like wishing you could recreate a first date...you just can't.

Silence!

For the past 9 weeks Ainsley has cried...the kind of cry that makes her face turn purple and she chokes on mucus that her throat produces to protect itself from all the friction. I'm sitting here in a quiet house and I just finished a HOT cup of tea. I'm reflecting on this 9 week journey and it is making me emotional...angry...sad...disappointed. First, let me just say that I am angry at having asked for help from so many "experts" and received shitty answers. My pediatrician said...wait until she's 12 weeks and she'll stop crying and in the meantime- don't have anyone but family watch her for you so they don't hurt her...and I should put that in quotes because that is exactly what she said! My midwife fed her formula and breastmilk in a bottle...and had decent results but they didn't last. My osteopath found that her rib was out of place and her back and neck were out of line. I made a trip to the ER and was given a colic packet that said to put the baby somewhere safe and let her cry and to go to the ER if I thought I would hurt her. The doctors there also told me to drink a Mt. Dew and prepare myself to have no sleep and to drink a glass of wine while she cried and not go to her until the glass was empty. Hmm. Yeah no wonder moms shake or hit their newborns. I know that most of you would read that and say, "oh no, not me, I would never get that upset." And my response: no...you wouldn't...because most babies don't cry like this! I wouldn't do it either...but in the past 9 weeks I have thought things that I feel ashamed for thinking and I have yelled and punched things (like doors and pillows) and cried a desperate cry that I have never experienced before. I reached a point of exasperation where I was no longer frantic to make my baby feel better but instead...I just wanted her to stop crying...whatever the cost! Thankfully after dialing several numbers in my phone I was able to reach people who could help. This Sunday I really reached a point where I could no longer handle the crying...and it started at 6:45am and went until 4pm with a short break and then went on again until sometime between 9 and 10pm that night. And this wasn't UNUSUAL this was just a day following a week all of us having the flu.

The same amazing mom I've written about in the past came to stay over Sunday to pretty much make sure I didn't hurt my baby...(don't judge me until you've listened helplessly to your newborn cry for hours on end and have no family nearby to help out). That night we dug a little deeper into a breastfeeding issue that I kind of thought I had in the beginning and that this mom mentioned that she thought fit in line with what we were experiencing. We figured out how to compensate for it-- it is a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance. It is characterized by green poo (sometimes mucousy), crying, pain, gas and general discomfort due to being less satisfied after eating. I also had a lot of symptoms that fit with this (painful letdown, excessive leaking and spraying, fullness etc). You know..the fix is rather simple so why the hell didn't any of the "professionals" I consulted ever mention it? All I did beginning Monday morning was nurse her on the same side for 2 feedings and then later that day I used a hand pump to pump past the let down phase before feeding Ainsley. It is now Friday..5 full days later and Ainsley hasn't cried for more than 30-45 seconds at a time (except in the car seat but that is normal).

Back to my emotional state-- I feel sad that I missed out on the first 9 weeks of my daughter's life because we were fighting this horrible battle together. I missed out on snuggling with a tiny little baby that just sleeps all day. She has NEVER slept all day. I set out to really enjoy the stages of Ainsley's life because I know that there is a really good chance that this is the last baby we will have. I know every mom always sets out to soak up every minute but I really wanted to just enjoy it because I knew what I was doing this second time around.

The past is the past..and I am so thankful that Ainsley seems to be "better" now. I am scared to really believe that the crying is over because I think I will be crushed if it starts again. In the meantime...my house is so quiet and that means both my girls are doing just fine.

Disappointed

Earlier I posted about being humble and learning to ask for help... well I asked for help. I had a friend of the family come up for 2.5 days so I could take care of a huge list of things I needed to do...some of it included sending documents to my husband, getting Christmas gifts for the girls, birthday gifts for Avery and a fairly large amount of work for a client of mine (with a deadline of tomorrow). Well this friend came up much later in the day than planned...shortening my time to get stuff done that day. Then the next day I was off at an appointment for Ainsley... well when I returned the friend HAD to go NOW. UGH. What the hell? I couldn't even fake an "Oh that is OK, I understand." I flat out had a look on my face that let her know I was pissed. She went on and on about how the reason she had to leave was just "so overwhelming". The thing is...she was called away because an unexpected visitor was on their way to her house...but they live 6 hours away. On top of this-- she has no kitchen because it is being remodeled and her visitor is vegan...and she lives in the middle of no where (where you can't really eat vegan easily unless you like iceberg and Dorthy Lynch salad dressing). So the best thing to do would have been to tell the person she mad a commitment already to stay and help us out...and leave as she had planned (or even a few hours earlier). Instead.. she left.

This is not the first instance of this kind of disappointment with this person. I would much rather she just say "No" she can't help than attempt to help and fail. All this did was set me back even further because I made plans for the time that she was here and basically waited until the last minute to do stuff because she was coming. By waiting until the last minute-- I really mean I just stopped stressing about being unable to fit the stuff in between the demands of the girls. Anyway... the major deadline work that I had to do is the only thing that I can't make up. I can shop online for the presents and I'll just have to drag the girls in and out of places to get the errands done... but that client isn't going to be happy that I wasn't able to fulfill my duties on time.

I don't know how to handle this situation... I don't even know what to say to the lady if she mentions it any time in the future. I know I wont be asking her for help again. I know she isn't obligated to help but when you make a commitment it is polite to keep it--especially if failing to keep it puts the person you were going to help in a worse spot than before! Grrrr!

Two Weeks--I Surrender

Wow--it has only been two weeks of handling the munchkins alone! It feels like it has been a month...maybe longer! This whole situation has been eye-opening to me in so many ways. I am sure by the end of the year I will have learned so much and gained respect for various situations and people. First of all, I am not very good at asking for or accepting help. I've always been someone who does things on her own. I pretty much had to as a kid and as an adult I thrived on my ability to handle pretty much everything. I can admit that I'm proud of myself for accomplishing so much without relying on anyone but myself. This is the first situation (so far) that has hit me upside the head. I'm already waiving the white flag...I, without a doubt, cannot handle this single-parenting situation entirely alone. Two weeks ago I did not know this but I did know that if I needed help I had no idea who to call....and even if I had a list a mile long of people-- I would not call them. Even if my car blew up on the side of the road and we were freezing--I'd probably still not call anyone except a tow truck or some other "service".

Enter a very new friend, a relatively new member of my mama group.... she visited after Ainsley was born and a seemingly random series of events occurred one Wednesday that lead her to help me. From there...she decides she's going to help me get through this crazy period of life. She's come-- I have no idea how many times now-- with her 19 month-old daughter and picked up the house, cooked food, researched possible solutions to all the various reasons Ainsley wont stop crying etc etc. Add to this-- she lives pretty much as far away from us as is possible without living outside the "metro area". Oh..also...Avery picks on her adorable little girl...seriously! She bullies her so much I can't believe they ever come back.

Back to the point... I have no choice but to accept help from this mom. I do so knowing that I may not ever be able to repay her in any way. It is hard for me. I feel guilty-- for lots of reasons. She drives a great distance, her daughter puts up with Avery's behavior (which I'm blaming on transition/stress/sadness over dad being gone and her lack of attention due to Ainsley) and she has stayed pretty darn late (even slept over when I had to take Ainsley to the ER!). If I didn't accept her help..where would the girls and I be? Well we'd be up a creek my friends. So it is true..I'm human. I can't handle every situation on my own. I have to admit that. I have to accept help from others in order to provide for my girls. If I don't surrender and accept help I may do more harm than good to my kids. My independent self wants to compile a list of ways I can repay this super mom-- and anyone else who helps us in the future--but I have no idea if I will even be capable of anything I may put on that list. It is a terrible feeling...but one I have to surrender to...be humble

"God opposes the proud, but gives graces to the humble." (James 4:6)

Thriving

I've never been too terribly bothered by "unsolicited advice" in all my (few) years of raising children. However, lately it is bothering me. I'm in a situation where I have to ask for help-- whether it be just asking for advice, to talk or physically needing a break. It seems the medical professionals in my life have varying opinions on what defines a thriving baby. A few days ago Ainsley cried for huge blocks of time and only slept a total of 5 hours and some minutes over the course of the 14 hour day. I called our pediatrician and the on call doc called back telling me to take her to the ER in case she had a virus without a fever. So I did...but I was pretty much treated like an idiot mom at midnight who takes her "colicky" kid in. I was concerned that Ainsley's weight had only gone up 2 ounces in two weeks...the first ER pedi said that my breast milk wasn't "fatty enough" yet, which is normal she says. Um...ok...that is something I have NEVER read in any of my lactation consultant training or any breastfeeding book before. Whatever. Next ER pedi comes in and tells me to have a glass of wine and not visit the baby until the glass is gone. Um....what? I'm sent home with a crazy packet of information about colicky children-- much of it focuses on letting them cry it out and a few other generic suggestions: swaddle, rock, car rides, shushing etc. I'm not going to hurt Ainsley...but the long hours of crying are really pushing my limits, especially with a toddler. The shoddy advice from the health care team was less than encouraging.

I relayed this information and my troubles to another medical professional in my life and was told that the lack of weight gain was basically a sign that Ainsley wasn't thriving... which I would agree with but I'm not sure what to do about it. I've given up dairy and gluten to see what kind of results that can create. This person took Ainsley for several hours and fed her some expressed breast milk and a few ounces of formula. Ainsley slept a good deal after this and then she was awake and I saw her coo for the first time ever. This caused me some mixed feelings. First, it made me immediately believe that my breast milk is inadequate. Second, it didn't entirely convince me that supplementing with formula was the way to go. I came home and could not get her to latch on to feed...so I felt like it was one step forward and two steps back!

At this point I'm not sure what to do. I'm going in to see our regular pedi today. I suppose she'll have a different opinion...she'll either agree that Ainsley isn't thriving or she will say she should just "cry it out". Ugh... I know babies don't come with manuals but it would be nice if medical advice was somewhat consistent from one person to the next....and it would be great to have some encouragement instead of reasons to feel inadequate. Thinking that my child isn't thriving because of something I'm doing...some emotion (stress/anxiety) that I'm projecting is to blame is disheartening.

We'll see what today brings.

Eve of Departure

Today Stephen basically acted as if he wasn't really here when it came to handling both kids. I'm not sure if this was entirely intentional (to help me get used to it) or if he was just busy preparing to leave. Regardless, it was complete insanity. Last night, Avery refused to sleep. She crashed for 45 minutes at 7:30am but she was literally up 24 hours...and refused a nap later. We all went grocery shopping at three stores to stock up so I wouldn't have to take the girls out alone for a few more weeks. INSANE! This is where Stephen really let me handle things. If it were freezing cold right now-- Avy would have been turned into an ice cube sitting in the cart while I tried to get Ainsley out. I tried the car seat in the cart-- annoying because not all carts are big enough. I also tried carrying her in my ErgoBaby carrier but getting her into that quickly and then getting Avery is not quick at all! Anyway, it was rough.

My little one day experiment made me realize just how crazy hard it is to be a parent. I've had rough moments with Avery (prior to Ainsley) but I never really thought I would explode or possibly go insane. I definitely feel crazy now. I feel like the time I spend with each girl is just to fulfill their basic needs. Rarely do I get to interact with either of them in a way that is promoting their development or even nurturing. I'm simply providing for them...clothes, food, clean diapers, baths. That is about it. I really hope that in the coming days (not weeks or months!) I am able to spend quality time with these kids...and I'd love to have 15 minutes to myself. When I shower these days- I have one screaming newborn in a bouncy seat and a curious toddler whipping open the shower curtain spraying water everywhere.

Making the Best of It

I'm mostly OCD but having a toddler (and now a newborn) makes it hard to fulfill my obsessions..especially the ones that focus on being clean! So in order to cope with my husband's departure I have come up with a crazy plan to really organize our house from top to bottom. It isn't in that bad of shape but I feel like I have a lot of clothes that I will never wear, junk that we don't use and there are some things we need around the house--like couch pillows and a second set of sheets! All these things we just put off. So beginning Monday after Stephen leaves I will create a plan to attack this organization stuff. In addition to putting myself back on a cleaning schedule I'm going to have a project that I work on until it is complete. Normally my OCD self would put a deadline on when it would be done but with two kiddos I think I'd be happier just saying the task has to be complete before the next is started!

My first task is going to be a fun one-- I'm going to print and organize all of our photos from 2008 to present. I have a scrap booking addiction that I am very behind on. So I'm going to print photos, put them in a box with a label of the month and year...and task two will be to scrap book through 2009. I think it is OK to be a year behind but 2 years is insane!

To save myself from getting overwhelmed I'm not going to make a list of major projects. I'm going to work on one and then decide the next. This is very difficult for my OCD self to handle but I think it is the smartest way to handle things.

On another note... an ongoing task I have is to get back in shape! I've been pregnant or breastfeeding since March of 2008 and it shows! Even though I got back to my pre-pregnancy weight before getting pregnant again-- I was not muscular as I used to be. We have a membership at the YMCA so I better start using it!

Let's hope my OCD behavior can keep me sane. Stephen leaves in two days and I'm totally not ready.

Stop the Count Down!

Ugh, 10 days until Stephen leaves for North Carolina. I'm trying hard not to count the days but its impossible. There are so many reasons why I feel anxiety about him leaving. First, handling a newborn with a super busy 23 month-old is really hard when you are sleep-deprived and not quite healed up enough to leave the house. Second, when he was gone for two weeks Avery was not happy by the middle of the second week so I have no idea how she is going to handle this extended absence. Third, how will this affect our marriage? How does it affect the marriage of other military families? It seems so weird to just take a break from being together for a year and expect things to be OK. Fourth, I have a serious case of baby blues and cry about everything and nothing so it makes me feel even more sad and anxious about Stephen leaving. Fifth, the holidays and winter are right around the corner and we already spend those times alone...to not have Stephen here will just make it worse. There are a lot of silly things that upset me-- I don't want to decorate for Christmas because I think it will just make my life more difficult keeping Avery out of things-- but I also don't want to skip decorating when she's finally old enough to maybe like it. PLUS we have relisted our house for sale and I just think the decorations will make it cluttered-- especially the tree!

Speaking of the house-- we dropped the price $44,000...SERIOUSLY! If someone doesn't buy it for this price then its never going to sell. Even though the market has pretty much tanked around here, the house is still valued at $218,000 so selling it for $174,900 is a steal. Know anyone? :)

Before Ainsley was born I was pretty sure I could make it being alone but right now...I'm certain I can't. Maybe things will change when I'm not in pain and when I don't almost faint every time I stand up due to some deficiency, including iron, from all the blood lost during Ainsley's birth. I don't know how other people do it. I hope I can look back in a year and feel good about surviving... for now I have a lot of guilt because I have resorted to letting Avery watch TV in the morning for 1.5 hours while I eat and shower and try to clean up a little bit.

Men Truly Are from Mars

My husband was really working hard on his MBA and his part time role with the Marines here locally. He was always 100% distracted/obsessed/absorbed with those things. It was hard to get his attention when needed...for anything! If I tried to talk to him (ever) he was frustrated because, of course, he was engrossed in something school/work related. I always responded with, "Well, when can I talk to you then?" I kinda gave up. I thought it was just temporary.

Now he is out of school due to his upcoming mobilization. I thought that this would be an opportunity for us to reconnect before he left...since really he has no "duties" until he leaves. Guess I was wrong on that one. I'm at the end of my rope with it all. We have a baby coming in 4 or so weeks and we don't have a name, none of the baby stuff has been decided on, the emergency road delivery plan isn't made... the list goes on. How do I get some freaking attention around here? Ugh.

The emotional side of me is really worried about how this will impact our marriage. If he leaves and we are this disconnected, how are we going to survive a year apart? I feel like we are two strangers in our house...so how will being apart a year make things? It would be twice as weird, wouldn't it? Awkward? His response to my concerns-- it will just work out. Um...how? While he is off working and watching days turn into night rapidly-- I will be here with two kids pulling my hair out, crying and wishing for an emotional connection...because that is what women do. I'm totally fine with being a single mom for a year but I need some sort of sign that this separation isn't going to destroy our marriage. If strong marriages falter during a separation, what is going to happen to our frazzled matrimony over the next 12 months? Why doesn't he even seem concerned? Men are just weird. I have no idea how he is fine with all this but I'd pay big bucks to feel as carefree as he does right now.

First Taste of Military Life

Well I feel like a big baby for complaining for two weeks about not having my husband around. He comes home tomorrow but I feel like he has been gone forever. It already breaks my heart knowing how many moms and dads leave their children (and spouses) behind for deployments but having this two week introduction made it hurt even worse. Our family is fortunate that the type of role Stephen plays in the military means he is very safe here in the U.S. I can't imagine the fear and sadness moms and dads experience when their spouse is deployed.

Avery did very well the first week but by the middle of the second week she was very clingy and worried I was going to leave like daddy. I feel so bad for the moms and dads who have to deal with this for a full year or longer. When Avery cries for her daddy it just breaks my heart. I am fortunate because he's just a few states away and will be back soon I cannot imagine having him away to Afghanistan! Ugh.

This small taste of military life was a big eye-opener for me. I hope everyone who knows a military family takes an extra minute to check in on them. Little kids seem like they are unaffected but they really are...sometimes in very small ways. Mom or dad may be staying up late nights comforting the babes. They may hear a plane like little Avery and run home thinking they will see daddy. Such disappointment! These little things add up and surely make the time apart that much more difficult.

Much love and prayers to all who have moms or dads deployed!!!

My Munchkin Hates Me!

I sincerely don't believe she actually *hates* me but she has been awfully mean lately! About two weeks ago she kept waking up sneezing and then having a short-term drippy nose. I assumed that because I was having some allergy problems she was too. Well- a few days later we find out we infected pretty much every munchkin in our playgroup. Ouch...we deserve the dirty diaper award for that! Anyway, she was downright GROUCHY for days and days. It has not let up so far. Her symptoms of illness seem a little better--just a clear runny nose BUT she is so angry. She has been smacking me, scratching, pinching and yelling if I even look in her direction. She doesn't really do that to dad. Sometimes she tells him "no" that she doesn't want to play but she has not been nearly as awful towards him. I have a nice scab on my cheek where she removed a strip of skin! This is not mixing well with my already heightened sensitivity due to being pregnant.

I'm ready for her to be well and happy again. This is not fun. I can't really take her anywhere because she has the drippy nose but trying to keep her happy when she doesn't want me around...well....you can see my dilemma here. Ugh!

Counting Down the Days...

Obviously I'm counting down the days until this pregnancy ends which also happens to be the same day I get to meet this other munchkin. Not so obvious, I just realized that I have 98 days left to spend with my first born. Ugh, why does this break my heart?

It really truly makes me sad to think about sharing my time with Avery and this new baby. I know everyone does it and kids all turn out fine after having their role of only child taken away. I just hope she is the type of toddler who doesn't feel hurt or left out by the new addition. That will make it easier on her and of course me.

To keep myself from being too sad about this I just try to focus on the excitement I know she will have when playing with her new sibling. I'm trying to make sure we squeeze in all kinds of important moments in the time we have left. It wasn't sad for me to "give up" my life of being childless but for some reason it is really hard to give up being a mom to just one kid. Strange eh?

There are so many differences too! I am more apprehensive about the baby than I was with Avery. Once I got over the shock of actually being pregnant (with Avery) despite believing I could never have a baby, I was completely excited. I even showed up at the hospital for my induction without any fear. I don't know what I was thinking then but I sure wish I could think the same way now. Seriously, I showed up for a procedure that went so terribly wrong but I was smiling the whole time (until we prepped for surgery of course). I don't know, maybe it was my horrible birth experience that makes me more fearful of the labor and delivery this time. I just wish I didn't have this giant bump in the way while I spend the last 98 days with little Avery. It sure does inhibit a lot of the fun things we could be doing. I mean, I can hardly get down to give her a bath (here I am crying about that as I type it). Yep, those days are coming to an end.

Hopefully I don't sound crazy and other moms can relate to feeling this sadness over becoming a mom to two. Wait, did I just say it was sad to have a second baby? Now that sounds crazy!

Are You In there?

Can you believe it? I'm wishing for morning sickness? Seriously! I am! Why? Well, because I have a silly theory that if this pregnancy is just like the last then I WILL have another girl. I cannot find my early pregnancy journal so I am unsure as to when I first had morning sickness, but I remember it being terrible. It was, of course, only 24 months ago.

I know in the first trimester of the first pregnancy I was pretty nauseated and super sleepy. I'm definitely tired and I had some nausea during the weekend of implantation. I know it was implantation because I had all the other symptoms, plus a fever, chills, aches and vomiting. So yeah...that is how I knew I was pregnant.

I've read that the second pregnancy is more relaxing since the mom already knows how to deal. Well, I'd have to agree with that. I know my mind is not 100% consumed by pregnancy thoughts (yet). I actually am not really sure a baby is in there (well an embryo at this point). I definitely can't button my skinny jeans but other than that- I have a symptomless second pregnancy.

Come on heartburn! I want a girl!

Pre-Teen Years already...

Laugh if you want to, but I swear I am getting a taste of the pre-teen years. Yes, she is only going on 11....MONTHS...but still...she has that sass going like there's no tomorrow. All day and night for the past 2 days...we get a shrill, ear bursting, rage-provoking, scream. And for what? Heck, we don't know. For now, if we shake our heads "no" she stops. (Why is she listening to us?)

We have yet to determine what she wants. At first we thought it was only when I talked. We tested that out...nope....she did it to Stephen too. She has a few words in her vocabulary but so far none of them are helping resolve her issues.

Onward we trek- how many years is it until they pass the teenage phase?

Crying Out Loud!

Oh man I am throwing in the towel! I've asked dozens- and I really mean dozens of mom's what they do to get their kid to sleep. I get an entirely different answer from each one. My poor girl used to do the same thing every night- sigh, yawn, look off into wonderland...I'd put her binky in and drop her in the crib. Within 5-10 minutes she was out for 9-12 hours.

Now...I spend no less than 3 hours per night listening to her cry. I find myself sitting at the bottom of the stairs or outside her room crying right along with her. I don't know what to do! I pick her up and she falls asleep right away so I know her needs are met. I put her back in the crib. She will either cry right then or sleep for 5 minutes and then wake. Well I have been trying to let her "cry it out". I let her go for 2 hours and 35 minutes tonight and she starting choking on whatever she started spitting up from crying. I felt soooooo horrible.

So this last time that I picked her up she clung to me as if she was fearing for her life. Then when I started talking to her- telling her she really needed to go to sleep- she started laughing at me. I just broke down. WHY!?!?!? This is just insane. I feel crazy. I go from laughing at her and thinking she is cute to crying. Am I letting her down? Why wont she sleep- what does she need from me?

The past 3 weeks have been so unproductive. I have so much to do and no time to do it because of my little munchkin. I love her to death but the crying is killing me!

Reading Between the Lines of Baby Talk

I've read plenty of research that says the first year of parenthood is extremely hard on a marriage. So far at nearly 6 months through I would have to say that we are doing just fine. We haven't had any "fights" or weird arguments so far. However, we do speak to each other through baby talk!

This sounds funny but I'm sure everyone has noticed it before. Instead of telling Stephen I am annoyed that I had to get out of bed and take care of Avery when it is his turn I will say to her, "I guess Daddy didn't want to help you this time so I will". Other comments have been, "I know you are starving but mommy doesn't think so", "Tell Daddy to pick his dirty shoes up so you can have room to play".

Anyway- instead of actually speaking negative things to each other we have put our complaints "between the lines" of baby talk to our daughter. Maybe that isn't any healthier than just arguing, but for now it works.

Married Single Parent

I'm so frustrated right now. I've been trying really hard to just let things be but I'm so ready to freak out. Stephen's job is consuming all of his time. He leaves the house around 4:15am and gets home anywhere from 5:30pm to 7:00pm. When he gets home he is so tired he falls asleep within 30-45 minutes. Avery is always hungry at this time so I'm busy feeding her and trying to throw dinner on the table. He eats and then falls asleep while I am putting Avery to bed and then I eat dinner.

Tonight he got home and turned on the t.v. He started to talk to me but then got distracted by the show. I asked a couple of times if he would finish what he was saying but I got no response. When the commercial came on I asked again but he forgot what he was saying. Avery screamed for 3 hours after dinner for no reason at all. She finally fell asleep but it was too late- Stephen was also asleep. He had mentioned going in to work tomorrow..it will be Saturday. We made plans to go to the mall so Avery could see the Easter Bunny and then go to lunch. Two of my friends (one of which has not met Avery yet) have finally settled on time to hang out. I feel torn. I have not spent any time with Stephen for weeks so I don't feel like I should go out with them for a couple of hours. At the same time, he wants to go in to work anyway so if I don't go with them he will just work longer. If I do go with them he will be home with Avery for a while but then will either go to work or fall asleep from going in to work really early.

I just hate it. I know he wants to be a big part of raising Avery but he is too tired. Money isn't worth this. I don't care if someone comes and takes our cars and our house...I really seriously don't care. What is the point of having a baby and wife you hardly see or spend time with? I feel like I'm a married single parent.

When he first started the job I complained about him working too much. They had him travel out of state for 4 weeks straight. Luckily my brother was home on leave or else I would have gone crazy spending 4 weeks alone with a 4 week old. Stephen said I made him feel bad by complaining so I stopped. I try really dang hard to just say, "oh, ok" whenever he tells me he is working late (every single night). There is no point to complain to him as it wont change. I just don't know what to do. His schedule says 5am-3:30pm and no one is telling him to get in to work and stay this late. He just takes it upon himself as he doesn't think he is getting enough done in his normal day. The more hours he works the less his pay per hour is...so at this point he could be working just about anywhere with less responsibility making the same amount per hour as he is right now. That is stupid!

I thought venting would make me feel better but it doesn't. I'm so sick of going to bed alone while he sleeps all crippled over on the couch where he fell asleep in the middle of whatever he was doing. I feel sorry for him as I know he is so tired but he is doing it to himself at this point. I don't understand how he cares to be around for Avery so much yet he wont stop working extra hours so he can actually see her.

If I don't get a break from her sometime soon or at least spend some time with my husband I don't know what is going to happen to my mental state. I love taking care of her and I want to stay home with her but I need a break once in a while. Even if it is just so I can go for a walk alone. Anything at all.