Its Not Entirely Their Fault...

My first pregnancy I was an uneducated mom-to-be who read books like, "Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy" and "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I trusted my caregivers 100%. The only reason I switched, at 36 weeks, from a group of OBs to midwives was that the OBs never told me about childbirth classes or baby care stuff. We just felt that the OBs weren't educating me enough or answering my questions without rolling their eyes. See problem #1 is that pregnant women expect education from their prenatal care provider (PCP) but that is definitely not the place for it in modern medical settings. Even the midwife group I attended didn't have time to fully educate me. Looking back, I now see that it really is the mom-to-be's responsibility to educate herself.

I read a lot of blogs and articles pointing fingers at the health care system and how it "medicalizes" birth and treats it like an illness. While I totally agree that standard operating procedures (SOPs) within the healthcare system have lead to birth becoming less of the natural process it is meant to be, I think ignorance in women is perpetuating this problem. I watched the premiere episode of "One Born Every Minute" after reading The Feminist Breeder's review of the show. Within 10 minutes I was annoyed to the point that I shut the show off. A few minutes later I turned it back on because I just *had* to see what these uninformed people did. And yes, I'm sorry, but I'm calling people names here. The moms=to-be aren't entirely at fault but they didn't make the situation any better. While one mom was all about getting the epidural I don't have any serious issues with her. She is fully on board with medical birth. Fine. Have it your way. The nurse commentary during this particular labor was appalling. Stating that giving birth without an epidural is like getting a tooth pulled without novocaine. Um...really? I am pretty certain (and I suck at history) I recall reading about numbing tooth pain with alcohol (rubbed on or drank) before pulling a tooth. I don't recall any vaginal alcohol application or drinking during labor... it has ALWAYS been done naturally until modern medicine changed it. It was almost a rite of passage. Anyway...no one HAS to have a baby without drugs. BUT--they should be making an INFORMED decision to take the epidural. I'll be totally honest, when I was pregnant the first time...I set out to go drug-free just to experience it. I hadn't really been informed of the risks to both the baby and to my labor. I just wanted to do it...the way it was intended.

Other comments that I heard in the show-- one mother-to-be's own mother was totally critical! Ugh. The poor lady was trying to have a natural childbirth and no one was helping her at all....at least not from what we saw on film. She just stayed on her back in that bed! WHY WHY WHY! No ball and no other options were shown. Perhaps she refused them but if a nurse didn't suggest it...and why the heck didn't her mom get over there and help her out? The c-section seemed like it may have been prematurely called but I am sure a lot of the details towards the end were edited out to protect the hospital. Finally, the natural birth mama was harassed by the nurse. I can't believe the nurse came out and reported that they were more in charge than she was. I WOULD HOPE SO!

The most amazing thing...after the show aired I read TONS of people saying that the natural birth mama was crazy and she was the only one certain groups of people "picked on". They thought she was belligerent and offensive... disrespectful for not letting the nurse do her job. Really? I'm pretty sure the nurse's job was to SERVE the client. The client wanted to do it her way...without harassment.

The sad part is that I have conversations with women who think that birth MUST be medicalized. Natural birth is the oddity. Women truly believe that they MUST do something when a doctor says they must. I'm not saying we should argue like we know better than the professionals...but we should at least ask WHY and WHAT IF I DON'T?

I'd give anything to go back to the day of my induction. I know that I would have agreed to the induction. I was 1 week and 1 day overdue and at that time I had not read that going late is totally the norm. Even without any extra education I still could have asked to wait and see what happens. My baby was doing fine I just wasn't progressing...but I also wasn't given time to progress. See...I've heard dozens of doulas and midwives say that it is *not uncommon for a first time mom to have prodromal labor* in fact, it seem that it is a part of almost every first birth in some fashion. Did my midwife know this and think...today is the 22nd of December....if I let her run this out like a normal first time mom...we will be getting out of here on Christmas Eve?? Huh? No seriously...why else did we call it a day and have a c-section? We had only done pitocin for 4 hours. I had only really been attempting labor for 10 hours by the time my baby was taken from my body.

I should have asked what would happen if I waited...what would happen if we just stayed put for a few more hours...another day? What if I had read about birth more and realized that 24 hours is ok..especially if my water hadn't broken (and PS...even if it has broken...it is still pretty OK to keep laboring as you are).

Ugh... my natural birth activists must realize that it isn't entirely their fault...the medical profession...right? Women are just blindly accepting it all. They just show up for prenatal visits and show up for birth. To change this cycle a PCP would have to give the mom a checklist...a book...a list of books...and tell her to educate herself. But why would he/she want her client educated...wouldn't that lead to a fight during labor? This is an awful cycle. How do we stop it?

Giant Yet Invisible

I'm three days away from my original due date and 10 days away from my "hospital" due date. I feel giant. I can't walk around quietly..party because breathing is a chore thanks to hormones but also because I can't "walk softly". I'm honestly not *that* big but of course I'm not normal-sized either. I'm still in my non-pregnancy underwear.. so I feel OK with my weight. Anyway..that isn't the point of my "giant" post today.

I'm half annoyed half sad...and feeling a little bit invisible. Two of my local friends, ones I have known longer than my newer mommy friends, called/texted in the past week and seemed completely oblivious to the fact that I was pregnant. One actually thought I was only half-way through my pregnancy. Now I know being pregnant only seems like a big deal to the person who is actually pregnant but these people haven't talked to me in weeks...actually more like 2 months. I don't expect anyone to know exactly how far along I am but it was obvious when they asked when I was due that they realized it had been a LONG time since we talked. I am starting to see why my husband wants to move closer to family. Friends are cool and all but sometimes they aren't enough. So when these friends say "oh let me know if you need help when the baby comes" my first thought is...um yeah...right....sure thing. I think part of it is just that life is so fast and busy for everyone. It stinks. It really deteriorates the quality of relationships-- marriage, friendships..everything. It probably doesn't help matters much that my husband is also pretty much oblivious to my being pregnant.. his head is in North Carolina already. Luckily when the baby does come it will cry a lot so he wont be able to ignore him/her anymore.

I probably sound like a big whiner right now but I actually feel some peace after experiencing this. I have always thought that saying that people are in your life for a "reason, season or lifetime" rang true. It definitely seems to be accurate in my life at the moment.

VBAC Journey Thoughts

I'm way over the half-way mark now.. so my thoughts about getting through this pregnancy are no longer about what I can eat that wont make me throw up but instead...how am I going to get this baby out and how badly will it hurt? Ha! I read at least one birth story per day, kind of like an affirmation. I must say that it has served me well. The closer I get to having this baby the more I realize how wounded I am from my first delivery...can I even call it a delivery? I didn't deliver my baby, a team of people in pale blue masks and green scrubs did. How sad is that? The more I think about it all the more angry I get. I carried a baby for 41 weeks and 1 day. I deserved to deliver my own baby and to hold her first-- before anyone else!

So many people consider a c-section a routine part of life. Just something that happens...and they move on. For some c-section moms it really is no big deal. For others, it causes wounds that are far greater than a 6 inch scar across the uterus. In order for me to face my future labor I have to get beyond my previous birth experience. I can still recall every second of my hospital stay and I remember exactly what is feels like and sounds like to be prepped for a c-section, to have the staples removed and to try and hold a newborn after being drugged so heavily. The first time I saw my baby I could hardly make her out. My vision was so blurry and I couldn't stop shaking. I remember the next time they tried to bring her to me I refused her. I felt so awful I didn't even want to hold my baby! Looking at her now I can't even imagine waiting 4 hours to touch her for the first time. What was I thinking? I try not to be mad at myself for refusing to hold her. I know she wont hold it against me and no one else will either. I just feel sick thinking that this is how I met my first child.

It all went wrong. I've spent the past 27 weeks doing everything I can to keep it from going wrong again. I am not entirely in control of how things will go but I definitely wont be receptive to any scare tactics this time. My experience has lead me to a new path in life and plans for a new career in the future. Every mother deserves the birth she wants. Most of us first-timers think it just comes naturally. It really doesn't. I mean, if we lived in nature and didn't rely heavily on the medical system-- then yes, every woman would probably have a great birth experience (Except for that small number of women who really may need a c-section). Instead, we follow all these routine practices of care or standard operating procedures as if my body is just like the previous pregnant body. We're all different but the medical system tries to make us the same.

In the grieving process of getting over my c-section, I'm a anger and bargaining but I'm nearing the depression stage-- the part where I will spend time reflecting and feeling as if no one understands why this is still bothering me. Lets hope I'm through the 7th stage by the time I enter into labor.

For anyone else preparing for a VBAC or trying to understand why c-sections are a big deal, head over to www.WillWorkforVBAC.com.

Counting Down the Days...

Obviously I'm counting down the days until this pregnancy ends which also happens to be the same day I get to meet this other munchkin. Not so obvious, I just realized that I have 98 days left to spend with my first born. Ugh, why does this break my heart?

It really truly makes me sad to think about sharing my time with Avery and this new baby. I know everyone does it and kids all turn out fine after having their role of only child taken away. I just hope she is the type of toddler who doesn't feel hurt or left out by the new addition. That will make it easier on her and of course me.

To keep myself from being too sad about this I just try to focus on the excitement I know she will have when playing with her new sibling. I'm trying to make sure we squeeze in all kinds of important moments in the time we have left. It wasn't sad for me to "give up" my life of being childless but for some reason it is really hard to give up being a mom to just one kid. Strange eh?

There are so many differences too! I am more apprehensive about the baby than I was with Avery. Once I got over the shock of actually being pregnant (with Avery) despite believing I could never have a baby, I was completely excited. I even showed up at the hospital for my induction without any fear. I don't know what I was thinking then but I sure wish I could think the same way now. Seriously, I showed up for a procedure that went so terribly wrong but I was smiling the whole time (until we prepped for surgery of course). I don't know, maybe it was my horrible birth experience that makes me more fearful of the labor and delivery this time. I just wish I didn't have this giant bump in the way while I spend the last 98 days with little Avery. It sure does inhibit a lot of the fun things we could be doing. I mean, I can hardly get down to give her a bath (here I am crying about that as I type it). Yep, those days are coming to an end.

Hopefully I don't sound crazy and other moms can relate to feeling this sadness over becoming a mom to two. Wait, did I just say it was sad to have a second baby? Now that sounds crazy!

Brainless

I know there really is evidence that pregnant women have memory and brain functioning issues, but man, I think it is worse this time than last. During my first pregnancy I could tell you how far along I was right down to the actual week and day. Now, I think I'm somewhere between 15 and 20 weeks?? It is June 5th but I thought last month was June...and keep calling it July. I guess I missed the fireworks already??

While I'm getting dumber, Avery is getting smarter. Thankfully! Someone in this house has to keep their brain. Every day we are amazed at her little tiny voice and all that she says with it. When she hears music she sings with it but she replaces the words with "Happy Birthday". I just love it when she does that, it is too funny. She puts strings of words together too! Tonight as the sun was setting she said, "oh no, bright sun" as the sun shined in her eyes. Too cute. Her new thing is to do this really awful dance when she hears a good song too. It is adorable, but I hope she gets better with age. Right now her form looks like she's tapping one foot while flapping her arms around and bouncing her hip all at once. Oh, and she shakes her hair with the beat too! What a geek.

Godiva

Godiva should probably start paying me for advertising. I'm going through some crazy pregnancy craving stage where the only thing that sounds good is chocolate..and not just any chocolate. Just the kind that melts in your mouth and is so strong in flavor that you really can't eat more than one at once. I've Tweeted, Facebook status updated (twice), Private Messaged (6 people) and posted about 5 thread posts about Godiva and eating it as dinner.

Why...am I blogging about Godiva? Well, because I have reached that icky part of pregnancy where your hormones go kinda nuts. I feel extremely lonely and isolated. Which lead me to eat chocolate for breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner and bedtime snack for two days in a row. Don't worry, I ate other foods too. I still feel attacked my hormones. I've also been truly isolated because I have been participating in a challenge for one of my writing clients. I set out to produce an insane amount of pieces and this has required writing basically 19 hours out of each day. It ends on Monday night at midnight though... so not too much longer.

My other problem is that I have to keep a food log for my midwife. She's a tough gal. Not the stern, make you fear your life kind of tough. But she definitely tells you that if you want to work with her, you will do what she is recommending. Well, she actually says it more like, if you are like the other women I have worked with and truly want a VBAC, you will do this. Anyway, so eating truffles isn't exactly going along with what she recommends.

So yeah- I'm alone with my blog one last Godiva truffle, depressing pregnancy hormones and very little sleep.

Are You In there?

Can you believe it? I'm wishing for morning sickness? Seriously! I am! Why? Well, because I have a silly theory that if this pregnancy is just like the last then I WILL have another girl. I cannot find my early pregnancy journal so I am unsure as to when I first had morning sickness, but I remember it being terrible. It was, of course, only 24 months ago.

I know in the first trimester of the first pregnancy I was pretty nauseated and super sleepy. I'm definitely tired and I had some nausea during the weekend of implantation. I know it was implantation because I had all the other symptoms, plus a fever, chills, aches and vomiting. So yeah...that is how I knew I was pregnant.

I've read that the second pregnancy is more relaxing since the mom already knows how to deal. Well, I'd have to agree with that. I know my mind is not 100% consumed by pregnancy thoughts (yet). I actually am not really sure a baby is in there (well an embryo at this point). I definitely can't button my skinny jeans but other than that- I have a symptomless second pregnancy.

Come on heartburn! I want a girl!

Its official...

I am having a baby..soon. LOL! 

I've been feeling really sick the past week or so- like the flu but not really..just the aches and pains and tiredness. Today we confirmed that Avery has dropped and according to our midwife..her head is "wayyyy down there". There's been a few other pre-pre-labor symptoms too so I'm not able to leave town. Yay..sort of. 

We toured the maternity ward last night so that Stephen would know how to get around. I started getting sweaty palms and almost cried...I guess you could say I started to get scared. 

Anyway, the midwife said I'm doing what I need to be doing to have the baby very soon. 

The Design of Pregnancy

Sorry- I have yet another blog about pregnancy :) 

If a person were to really think about all that goes on during the 10 months of pregnancy he or she would realize just how intelligently it was designed.  First of all- its a long time but so much happens. Everyone already realizes how miraculous the process is in that it creates an entire new life. On the other side of that is what the mother goes through. 

Ten months is an extremely long time to be uncomfortable and feel like your body is the subject of a major science experiment. The good thing is- there are so many really annoying uncomfortable/painful things that happen to you that you don't have time to be scared of labor. UNTIL- it gets closer and closer. Personally, I wasn't even thinking about it that much until I realized that the bigger you get and the more uncomfortable you are on a daily basis- the lower your threshold of pain becomes. Stubbing your toe pre-pregnancy was something you just shouted about. Now- at 6.5 months pregnant- it makes you cry because you sit down and say, first I woke up with achey teeth from pregnancy gingivitis, I hardly slept, I pulled my back when I got out of the chair, my stomach feels like it is on fire from heart burn and NOW THIS?!?! Then you cry. HA HA! It sounds funny but its not. So I've heard that because of all the prior discomfort labor is a relief. I'm sure at the end it is but I think the moments it begins happening may be frightening. If I had to give birth during my first 3 months it wouldn't be so bad. My normal pain tolerance would be present and I would be able to move like a normal human. So far at 6.5 months along- I have no doubt that I will cry and be incapable of moving myself around. 

Anyway- the other great thing about the design of labor- is that you are awaiting the arrival of a person you've never met and she is going to be a lot like you or the dad. Either way- it is crazy! I guess focusing on that aspect is all you have left when everything else isn't going your way and you are sitting on the floor crying because you tried to put your socks on and pulled 7 muscles in weird places. Would 911 charge me to call them for a lift off the floor? 

Low Fat Diet

I didn't think my entire Blog would turn into a pregnancy only discussion but CRAP! I just had my 23 week prenatal appointment and I gained 10 pounds in ONE month. What the CRAP!!?! So I cried. A normal person should gain a little less than one pound per week throughout the entire pregnancy. This equates to about 25-35 pounds of weight gain before delivery. Yup- well I've already added 37 pounds or so and I just hit the half-way mark 3 weeks ago. If I continue to gain about 1 pound per week then I will be looking at a total weight gain of 54 LBS! UGH. I know I haven't been as active as normal but it is really hard to 1)stay awake 2)find my inner drive to move 3)breathe 4)move my legs due to all the excess weight I'm carrying around 5)move due to all the muscle pains I get to experience as the baby grows. 

Anyway- It is really tough to be one of "those" people that pretty much weighs 125-133 all the time no matter what they do...and then be told by a Dr. that I should switch to a low-fat diet. Did I mention I cried? Mostly before he said that but then after he said that I obsessed over it for another 33 hours and counting... 

What adds to this is that pregnancy hormones already make me have girlie sad feelings more often than normal and I was already a little bit uncomfortable with the new shape of my body. Yeah- so I have a lot more respect for pregnant women out there knowing now what emotions and experiences take place. 

P.S. Don't ever respond to a pregnant woman's complaints with, "Yeah, but you'll soon have a baby!" or "It will all be worth it!" or "Just imagine how cute your baby will be". I know this may be hard to accept but those type of "reassurances" wear off after about the 15th week.... Why do they wear off? Because by then the woman has given up every comforting thing she ever enjoyed whether it be food, drink, clothes or activities and nearly every normal movement causes some sort of pain or discomfort. So yeah- I know that the day I have Avery I will be like- yay it is over I'm glad you are here- but from now until then- there is no way in the world that I am comforted by the thought of a cute, amazing little baby while I use handicap rails to get myself around. 

Pregnancy hormones=bipolar

I know I'm not licensed in psychology or anything but I think the 8 years of studying it should qualify me to diagnose myself. Right? 

So yesterday (as my blog supports) I felt perfectly happy. Probably happier than I had felt in a long time. Today I woke up fine but as the day progressed I nearly felt depressed. I know I'm not depressed as I have been reading about the pregnancy mood-swings. I just haven't experienced them until recently. Let me tell you something about mood-swings...they are NO joke. I never imagined they would be this severe. Nothing makes a person go from super happy to incredibly sad within 24 hours except bi-polar disorder...and now of course I can say pregnancy falls into that category too. Man...I just can't wait to be myself again. 

I've literally spent the day thinking that life is going in completely the wrong direction and nothing is working out in a positive manner. We'll see what tomorrow brings...

You know what is good?

A dog, a cup of tea, a good magazine and the hint of fall in the air. Maybe I'm crazy but today felt like fall was finally on its way. Since I moved into my new home this has been the first day cool enough to open the windows. My lazy pup Brock is have sleeping slash dazing off out the window next to me on the couch while I read a magazine and drink some tea. I love the magazine "Fit Pregnancy". It hasn't really helped me stay fit because it gives me an excuse to sit on the couch some more but the articles are informative and its talking about fall. What more could I want? 

In case you didn't know it my favorite time of the year is fall. I can't say that I would want it to be fall year-round because I love the transition. There are moments in the end of summer that you can tell fall is just waiting to poke through. Those are the days I love. Why fall? The weather is perfect, I love football and MARCHING BAND!!! Oh and Pumpkin Spice lattes, leaves and all the colors. You might think I'm crazy but I'd love to have a Halloween-themed baby shower. HA HA! Oh well, I'll settle for soup and pumpkin spiced coffee instead. How's that sound?