Happy Veteran's Day

I honestly expected this "holiday" to come and go without much thought in our house. We live in a community fairly saturated with military families so I think I have already become a little insensitive to the lifestyle. It takes seeing someone's face and knowing their situation, whether it be a mom at home with multiple kids and a deployed husband or a friend who lost a loved one overseas, to shake off the numbness. I have come to know some extremely tough moms who maintain their sanity better than I do despite a deployed husband! Just getting through a week as a stay-at-home mom is tough for a lot of us, but living daily without the support of your husband has got to be intense. *I know there are women deployed too, but I haven't met any dads (yet).

I am extremely thankful that my husband's position isn't deployable, at this time. If that were to change in the near future I am not sure what I would do with myself. It is hard enough making friends in a new place as it is but to create a support system would be insane. My short experience of being a stay-at-home mom with two girls, alone, didn't go so well and I was in a community where I knew plenty of other moms. My stomach still churns when I think back to last winter and the months the girls and I struggled together. But, it could have been worse. We could have been sending Stephen off to war instead of North Carolina! There are so many families with deployed loved ones...so many kids missing their parent(s)...they deserve so much love and appreciation.

My little brother has been stationed overseas for the past 4 years and is about to embark on another 2 year tour on a Naval ship. The first two years I was stressed and worried about him so much! He got into a few nasty situations and came out just fine so I have learned to trust that he really is a soldier. I will always worry about him, of course, but I am so proud of him for becoming a Seaman and sticking with it (I think he finally beat his longevity record of working at Pizza Hut for several years). It does break my heart that he has met Avery only twice...the last time being right before her first birthday. He has yet to meet Ainsley- who just turned one. I am thankful that he has been stationed in "mild" places (Greece and Italy) and not Iraq or Afghanistan...so far. I pray he never gets his wish and enters a more hazardous zone. It is fortunate that deployments to war zones are typically 6-12 months long. I can't imagine what it would be like for the family or the solider to spend several years in a dangerous place. Separation is hard...regardless of the time and the location. There are so many families dealing with it every day. I really can't complain when I look at the families in our community. I am humbled by my experiences thus far and pray I don't get the opportunity to spend any more time without my husband than I already did this last winter. If you are like me and have become a bit numb to the military families around you- I hope you take today to think about life in their shoes.

Stop the Count Down!

Ugh, 10 days until Stephen leaves for North Carolina. I'm trying hard not to count the days but its impossible. There are so many reasons why I feel anxiety about him leaving. First, handling a newborn with a super busy 23 month-old is really hard when you are sleep-deprived and not quite healed up enough to leave the house. Second, when he was gone for two weeks Avery was not happy by the middle of the second week so I have no idea how she is going to handle this extended absence. Third, how will this affect our marriage? How does it affect the marriage of other military families? It seems so weird to just take a break from being together for a year and expect things to be OK. Fourth, I have a serious case of baby blues and cry about everything and nothing so it makes me feel even more sad and anxious about Stephen leaving. Fifth, the holidays and winter are right around the corner and we already spend those times alone...to not have Stephen here will just make it worse. There are a lot of silly things that upset me-- I don't want to decorate for Christmas because I think it will just make my life more difficult keeping Avery out of things-- but I also don't want to skip decorating when she's finally old enough to maybe like it. PLUS we have relisted our house for sale and I just think the decorations will make it cluttered-- especially the tree!

Speaking of the house-- we dropped the price $44,000...SERIOUSLY! If someone doesn't buy it for this price then its never going to sell. Even though the market has pretty much tanked around here, the house is still valued at $218,000 so selling it for $174,900 is a steal. Know anyone? :)

Before Ainsley was born I was pretty sure I could make it being alone but right now...I'm certain I can't. Maybe things will change when I'm not in pain and when I don't almost faint every time I stand up due to some deficiency, including iron, from all the blood lost during Ainsley's birth. I don't know how other people do it. I hope I can look back in a year and feel good about surviving... for now I have a lot of guilt because I have resorted to letting Avery watch TV in the morning for 1.5 hours while I eat and shower and try to clean up a little bit.

Men Truly Are from Mars

My husband was really working hard on his MBA and his part time role with the Marines here locally. He was always 100% distracted/obsessed/absorbed with those things. It was hard to get his attention when needed...for anything! If I tried to talk to him (ever) he was frustrated because, of course, he was engrossed in something school/work related. I always responded with, "Well, when can I talk to you then?" I kinda gave up. I thought it was just temporary.

Now he is out of school due to his upcoming mobilization. I thought that this would be an opportunity for us to reconnect before he left...since really he has no "duties" until he leaves. Guess I was wrong on that one. I'm at the end of my rope with it all. We have a baby coming in 4 or so weeks and we don't have a name, none of the baby stuff has been decided on, the emergency road delivery plan isn't made... the list goes on. How do I get some freaking attention around here? Ugh.

The emotional side of me is really worried about how this will impact our marriage. If he leaves and we are this disconnected, how are we going to survive a year apart? I feel like we are two strangers in our house...so how will being apart a year make things? It would be twice as weird, wouldn't it? Awkward? His response to my concerns-- it will just work out. Um...how? While he is off working and watching days turn into night rapidly-- I will be here with two kids pulling my hair out, crying and wishing for an emotional connection...because that is what women do. I'm totally fine with being a single mom for a year but I need some sort of sign that this separation isn't going to destroy our marriage. If strong marriages falter during a separation, what is going to happen to our frazzled matrimony over the next 12 months? Why doesn't he even seem concerned? Men are just weird. I have no idea how he is fine with all this but I'd pay big bucks to feel as carefree as he does right now.

First Taste of Military Life

Well I feel like a big baby for complaining for two weeks about not having my husband around. He comes home tomorrow but I feel like he has been gone forever. It already breaks my heart knowing how many moms and dads leave their children (and spouses) behind for deployments but having this two week introduction made it hurt even worse. Our family is fortunate that the type of role Stephen plays in the military means he is very safe here in the U.S. I can't imagine the fear and sadness moms and dads experience when their spouse is deployed.

Avery did very well the first week but by the middle of the second week she was very clingy and worried I was going to leave like daddy. I feel so bad for the moms and dads who have to deal with this for a full year or longer. When Avery cries for her daddy it just breaks my heart. I am fortunate because he's just a few states away and will be back soon I cannot imagine having him away to Afghanistan! Ugh.

This small taste of military life was a big eye-opener for me. I hope everyone who knows a military family takes an extra minute to check in on them. Little kids seem like they are unaffected but they really are...sometimes in very small ways. Mom or dad may be staying up late nights comforting the babes. They may hear a plane like little Avery and run home thinking they will see daddy. Such disappointment! These little things add up and surely make the time apart that much more difficult.

Much love and prayers to all who have moms or dads deployed!!!