Two Weeks--I Surrender

Wow--it has only been two weeks of handling the munchkins alone! It feels like it has been a month...maybe longer! This whole situation has been eye-opening to me in so many ways. I am sure by the end of the year I will have learned so much and gained respect for various situations and people. First of all, I am not very good at asking for or accepting help. I've always been someone who does things on her own. I pretty much had to as a kid and as an adult I thrived on my ability to handle pretty much everything. I can admit that I'm proud of myself for accomplishing so much without relying on anyone but myself. This is the first situation (so far) that has hit me upside the head. I'm already waiving the white flag...I, without a doubt, cannot handle this single-parenting situation entirely alone. Two weeks ago I did not know this but I did know that if I needed help I had no idea who to call....and even if I had a list a mile long of people-- I would not call them. Even if my car blew up on the side of the road and we were freezing--I'd probably still not call anyone except a tow truck or some other "service".

Enter a very new friend, a relatively new member of my mama group.... she visited after Ainsley was born and a seemingly random series of events occurred one Wednesday that lead her to help me. From there...she decides she's going to help me get through this crazy period of life. She's come-- I have no idea how many times now-- with her 19 month-old daughter and picked up the house, cooked food, researched possible solutions to all the various reasons Ainsley wont stop crying etc etc. Add to this-- she lives pretty much as far away from us as is possible without living outside the "metro area". Oh..also...Avery picks on her adorable little girl...seriously! She bullies her so much I can't believe they ever come back.

Back to the point... I have no choice but to accept help from this mom. I do so knowing that I may not ever be able to repay her in any way. It is hard for me. I feel guilty-- for lots of reasons. She drives a great distance, her daughter puts up with Avery's behavior (which I'm blaming on transition/stress/sadness over dad being gone and her lack of attention due to Ainsley) and she has stayed pretty darn late (even slept over when I had to take Ainsley to the ER!). If I didn't accept her help..where would the girls and I be? Well we'd be up a creek my friends. So it is true..I'm human. I can't handle every situation on my own. I have to admit that. I have to accept help from others in order to provide for my girls. If I don't surrender and accept help I may do more harm than good to my kids. My independent self wants to compile a list of ways I can repay this super mom-- and anyone else who helps us in the future--but I have no idea if I will even be capable of anything I may put on that list. It is a terrible feeling...but one I have to surrender to...be humble

"God opposes the proud, but gives graces to the humble." (James 4:6)

Phase II-Title Deed Ceremony

Well Phase II of Christ Life is finally over. I say finally not because I'm tired of it but the 3 hour time commitment every week was kind of annoying. I was so busy today that I didn't have time to think about what I would contribute to the ceremony. So I arrived hoping to be inspired.

Describing Christ Life to anyone that hasn't been through it is a bad idea. So let me just say this- I arrived scattered brained but when I left I felt strangely calm but drained. Part of these feelings can be attributed to the days tasks but the rest I think was the ceremony.

Tonight we were to write down the issues we struggle with from Phase I and Phase II and nail them to a cross (meaning we give them to God to work through). Once we finished explaining to our peers what our issues were we then took them down and burned them outside. This sounded really crazy and pointless to me prior to actually doing it.

I sat with my pen in hand and didn't know what to write. Even after 26 weeks of working on this I had no clue what to put down. I think this was me being stubborn. It was my head speaking for me instead of my heart. So I just wrote down GUILT and traced it over and over. Then stuff started coming to me. My biggest issue that I can't resolve on my own is GUILT...Guilt for things I shouldn't even feel guilt for. When I stood up to explain my issues I said I was putting the guilt I feel for keeping my mom out of my life and Avery's life on the cross, and that I was wiping the slate clean with my dad since he is making a minimal effort to be a part of Avery's life... and something came up that I hadn't really felt like was bothering me... just attempting to say it aloud made me shake and feel weak. I've felt guilt for the way my brother was raised...by me. I know I've admitted this to myself before but tonight I threw it out there to let it go. My brother turned out just fine. It was never my responsibility to take care of us and especially not to take care of him. I should never have had to do it. I should never have had to feel the guilt of him struggling through life because he didn't have a strong role model to guide him. He's doing great now and it wasn't ME who got him where he is. He did it on HIS OWN! He turned out ok. His struggles were tough and can be attributed to the way I parented him/lack of parenting but it is ok-I am not going to feel guilty anymore- I don't need to feel that guilt! I did the best I could.

Now that this Phase has ended I'm ready to move forward...which I have already started to do. Phase III will be hard as it will require discipleship like I've never known before. I'm ready to serve others though so bring it on!

Come Back to Love by Rachel Scott

I want to give you reason to love, an example to pursue. Your dad and I are doing our best to love each other and love you. I know there are times, I know there are trials. But we've always come back to love. I want to give you reason to trust, to believe what you can't see. The lesson of my life has been, learning how my God loves me. And though I am weak, and I have often failed, The Lord has always been faithful. Oh my child, the love of my life. It is my heart that I'll always do right, in your eyes. And if I ever let you down, please know my love for you in this song. My baby I want to do for you more than I could ever do. If I could have a prayer for you, please don't walk in my shoes. Just cling to the one, who calls you by name, and remember how much He loves you too. And He says, "You are the love of my life. It is my heart that you'll know why I died with you in mind. And if you think you've let me down, please know, please know, please know my love for you in this song." And always know that you can come back, back to love.

What a fabulous song! I wasn't expecting such a powerful message at the concert tonight. This just brings to mind how much responsibility I have as a parent to ensure that my daughter's Christian journey begins earlier in life than mine- and that she is a stronger Christian earlier in her life than I have ever been.

It is Not about Me!

This blog is about me...but the main focus of our Christ Life discussion tonight was that our life is not about us.

This is probably a hard pill for everyone to swallow- myself especially. I found myself saying in my head- I'm not trying to be selfish- but I do want to live a fun life. I can understand how our lives are being consumed by chasing the dollar and whatever other materialistic/social/professional gains we obsess over...and that is SELFISH. However, what if we are focusing on how to simplify our lives in order to be focused less on ourselves?

I don't know- I get lost in here somewhere. I know the gifts I have- but how do I use them now and what ones do I use? If every day I am only taking care of my daughter, studying the Bible and taking care of our household responsibilities am I making my life about ME and not God? What does it look like to live a soulish life instead of selfish? Our facilitator said that everything we do should bring glory to God. Ok- I can totally appreciate the fact that He deserves it and that we should do this as often as possible- but this makes me feel like getting a latte is selfish. Does it really go all the way down the ecosystem- as in- God made cows-which make milk- and are a part of lattes...so God deserves glory for this- but what does that mean?

Ha ha. I had to get this out of my head. It is just as confusing out as it is in my head. At this point I'm pretty sure my life is more about me than it should be but I don't know any other way to live life. I have no clue what to do if I were to wake up tomorrow and say everything I do will be about God. I do feed a dog, a baby and my husband so I'm taking care of God's creatures.

I'm thinking too hard and feel drained. I thought I was done trying to figure out my "purpose in life" but I guess not.

I think I'm afraid of the dark...

Have you ever watched a scary movie and then been "afraid of the dark" as an adult? You know- where you pull all the blinds and turn on every light...but you really have no reason to be scared?

I've read about the death and resurrection of Jesus MANY times in the Bible but now that I'm actually "studying" as I read I got myself all freaked out. I feel like an idiot saying it (typing) aloud but I'm going to put it out there and hope it goes away now....but yeah... I'm afraid of the dark now. It is completely unreasonable and beyond crazy to be so scared but I literally jump into bed and throw the covers over me because I'm scared. I tried to visualize what it was that was making me feel scared but I can't. Am I worried God is going to show up and scare the pants off me or what? I have no clue. I just know that every time I get done reading my daily assignment I feel like I just watched a scary movie.

Traded My Name In!

I don't even know what to say first! This weekend was great. I am so happy to have visited my friends at their new home in Indiana. As if seeing the two coolest people ever wasn't enough- I also traded my last name in. Yup- Stephen and I got married and I couldn't be happier. It's pretty crazy the way things in life line up. It is so clear that "chance" or "fate" have nothing to do with it. Fate could not be so perfect as to put things in my life the way that they have been placed over the past 9 months...it is clearly God at work around me and my new family. 

I feel really blessed to not only have the couple I look up to the most be present at my wedding, but to actually be married by one of them. Both my husband and I could not have asked for a better day to solidify our commitment to each other.