Healing from Birth

I've spent just 4 days shy of a year contemplating the concept of "healing from birth". My first daughter was born via c-section. At the time I fully trusted my midwife when she said I needed a c-section. It took the duration of my second pregnancy to understand how wrong she was and how wrong I was for not educating myself more. Directly after my cesarean I was miserable from the physical pain of the surgery. A year later I was over the physical pain but struggling with the emotional agony of wanting more children but wanting to avoid another cesarean. I am stubborn and argumentative and these two traits helped me tremendously in researching, preparing and successfully having a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) with my second daughter.

I truly thought that succeeding in having the birth that I wanted would help me heal from the emotional pain of my first birth. Sadly, I still have regret, anger, grief and flat out disgust hanging on about my surgical birth. I am disgusted by medical professionals who treat birth as an illness. I'm disappointed in myself for "studying" all the wrong things during my pregnancy. I skipped over sections in books on c-sections because I just *knew* that would never happen to me. Ugh! How could I have been so ignorant!?!!?

Even more tragic, I am not the only intelligent mother to approach pregnancy and birth with blinders on! We assume the medical professionals who care for us during our pregnancy want what is best for us. We can just show up and they will tell us what to do, right? So wrong. They aren't caring for us...they are treating us.

While I have no regrets about my VBAC with my second child, I still want a "do over". I want the birth that heals me from my previous births. Does that really exist? I read 2-3 birth stories each week. I can feel the bliss and joy in so many birth stories...usually homebirths. I want that for myself. Yes, I want one more child too, but I do want to experience birth that is...happy? Is that the word? Neither of my births were terrible, like life-threatening terrible. But they were very emotional and traumatic in their own way.

VBAC Journey Thoughts

I'm way over the half-way mark now.. so my thoughts about getting through this pregnancy are no longer about what I can eat that wont make me throw up but instead...how am I going to get this baby out and how badly will it hurt? Ha! I read at least one birth story per day, kind of like an affirmation. I must say that it has served me well. The closer I get to having this baby the more I realize how wounded I am from my first delivery...can I even call it a delivery? I didn't deliver my baby, a team of people in pale blue masks and green scrubs did. How sad is that? The more I think about it all the more angry I get. I carried a baby for 41 weeks and 1 day. I deserved to deliver my own baby and to hold her first-- before anyone else!

So many people consider a c-section a routine part of life. Just something that happens...and they move on. For some c-section moms it really is no big deal. For others, it causes wounds that are far greater than a 6 inch scar across the uterus. In order for me to face my future labor I have to get beyond my previous birth experience. I can still recall every second of my hospital stay and I remember exactly what is feels like and sounds like to be prepped for a c-section, to have the staples removed and to try and hold a newborn after being drugged so heavily. The first time I saw my baby I could hardly make her out. My vision was so blurry and I couldn't stop shaking. I remember the next time they tried to bring her to me I refused her. I felt so awful I didn't even want to hold my baby! Looking at her now I can't even imagine waiting 4 hours to touch her for the first time. What was I thinking? I try not to be mad at myself for refusing to hold her. I know she wont hold it against me and no one else will either. I just feel sick thinking that this is how I met my first child.

It all went wrong. I've spent the past 27 weeks doing everything I can to keep it from going wrong again. I am not entirely in control of how things will go but I definitely wont be receptive to any scare tactics this time. My experience has lead me to a new path in life and plans for a new career in the future. Every mother deserves the birth she wants. Most of us first-timers think it just comes naturally. It really doesn't. I mean, if we lived in nature and didn't rely heavily on the medical system-- then yes, every woman would probably have a great birth experience (Except for that small number of women who really may need a c-section). Instead, we follow all these routine practices of care or standard operating procedures as if my body is just like the previous pregnant body. We're all different but the medical system tries to make us the same.

In the grieving process of getting over my c-section, I'm a anger and bargaining but I'm nearing the depression stage-- the part where I will spend time reflecting and feeling as if no one understands why this is still bothering me. Lets hope I'm through the 7th stage by the time I enter into labor.

For anyone else preparing for a VBAC or trying to understand why c-sections are a big deal, head over to www.WillWorkforVBAC.com.