Monday, March 23, 2009

The Bible needs a Google search feature

Those of you that know me (or have spent even 10 minutes with me) you know that I'm a know-it-all...the annoying kind too! Well I'm in Phase II of Christ Life ( and I feel stupid. I really feel like asking the facilitator to dumb it down for me (I apologize if that is an offensive way to phrase things). I've always been a good student and I'm quick to learn new things. However, this part of the Christ Life series is not sinking in. I don't know if it is technique or my own lack of effort.

Bits of what I heard tonight and my response are as follows:

Jesus will come down riding a white charger and we (if we are dead then) will be following. In my mind I just kept saying "Huh uh". So does that mean I don't believe in Jesus and all that has been explained in the scriptures? The whole mental picture that was being painted in class just made me say "no way...not true..I don't buy it!" Then I tuned out for another 10-15 minutes.

Jesus lived the law perfectly and thus because we were baptized in Him then so did we. Wait...what? I'm still sinning today and every day...we all are!! So how does this work? I don't even know the law well enough to know how I sin every day. I'm that far behind!
So Jesus is the second Adam because he did as the first should have.
I get this part. But is this true? Does that even matter or did someone just make the connection and think it was cool? So Jesus was perfect...I get it. The facilitator responded to this whole situation as if she were really moved...I don't feel that way.

Somewhere within the two hour class we were talking about how the Holy Spirit works and how we have to listen and see spiritually to recognize it. I posed the semi-hypothetical situation from my small group: A guy and a girl break up. He sees the girl in places where she normally never goes and sees her there more than one time. He takes it as a sign from God that he is either to talk to her or maybe they are to get back together. So I pose the question- just how is a person to know if that is God's intention or that it is just their own mind willing it to be so? The response I get It is in the Word. So read it and test it. WHAT? How...what page? Where is Google located within the Bible? I understand that we are to be "in the Word" daily etc. However, when faced with a situation that is live and going on at the moment what does one do if they don't know the Bible enough to just pull the right verse out of their brain? I'm not cool enough to have flashcards with themes on them to yank out whenever I need it.

Ugh..I don't know. I don't think I've ever felt so dumb or struggled to understand a topic before. The class's purpose is for us to identify the false things that we believed in the past (i.e. that we are worthless, unlovable etc...whatever our problem may be from growing up). Once we identify those then we are to replace them with truths from the Word. It is just not working for me. I'm spending a lot of time in this class trying to figure stuff out and it isn't adding up.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Married Single Parent

I'm so frustrated right now. I've been trying really hard to just let things be but I'm so ready to freak out. Stephen's job is consuming all of his time. He leaves the house around 4:15am and gets home anywhere from 5:30pm to 7:00pm. When he gets home he is so tired he falls asleep within 30-45 minutes. Avery is always hungry at this time so I'm busy feeding her and trying to throw dinner on the table. He eats and then falls asleep while I am putting Avery to bed and then I eat dinner.

Tonight he got home and turned on the t.v. He started to talk to me but then got distracted by the show. I asked a couple of times if he would finish what he was saying but I got no response. When the commercial came on I asked again but he forgot what he was saying. Avery screamed for 3 hours after dinner for no reason at all. She finally fell asleep but it was too late- Stephen was also asleep. He had mentioned going in to work will be Saturday. We made plans to go to the mall so Avery could see the Easter Bunny and then go to lunch. Two of my friends (one of which has not met Avery yet) have finally settled on time to hang out. I feel torn. I have not spent any time with Stephen for weeks so I don't feel like I should go out with them for a couple of hours. At the same time, he wants to go in to work anyway so if I don't go with them he will just work longer. If I do go with them he will be home with Avery for a while but then will either go to work or fall asleep from going in to work really early.

I just hate it. I know he wants to be a big part of raising Avery but he is too tired. Money isn't worth this. I don't care if someone comes and takes our cars and our house...I really seriously don't care. What is the point of having a baby and wife you hardly see or spend time with? I feel like I'm a married single parent.

When he first started the job I complained about him working too much. They had him travel out of state for 4 weeks straight. Luckily my brother was home on leave or else I would have gone crazy spending 4 weeks alone with a 4 week old. Stephen said I made him feel bad by complaining so I stopped. I try really dang hard to just say, "oh, ok" whenever he tells me he is working late (every single night). There is no point to complain to him as it wont change. I just don't know what to do. His schedule says 5am-3:30pm and no one is telling him to get in to work and stay this late. He just takes it upon himself as he doesn't think he is getting enough done in his normal day. The more hours he works the less his pay per hour at this point he could be working just about anywhere with less responsibility making the same amount per hour as he is right now. That is stupid!

I thought venting would make me feel better but it doesn't. I'm so sick of going to bed alone while he sleeps all crippled over on the couch where he fell asleep in the middle of whatever he was doing. I feel sorry for him as I know he is so tired but he is doing it to himself at this point. I don't understand how he cares to be around for Avery so much yet he wont stop working extra hours so he can actually see her.

If I don't get a break from her sometime soon or at least spend some time with my husband I don't know what is going to happen to my mental state. I love taking care of her and I want to stay home with her but I need a break once in a while. Even if it is just so I can go for a walk alone. Anything at all.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

She's not so tiny anymore!

Avery wasn't really tiny to begin least not compared to most babies. :) She is growing so fast. It's crazy that something can change and grow right under your nose and unless you think about the past you can't tell. What I mean is- if you don't purposely think about two weeks ago then you wont realize how much your little one has changed. I am so torn between being sad that she is growing out of the "tiny" baby stage so fast and wanting to see her walk and hear her laugh. She's so alert an interested in the world around her. Sometimes when I see that she is mesmerized I find myself mesmerized by the same thing because I am trying to understand what might be going through her little mind. Life seems so much better through her eyes. :)

When visiting friends this weekend we finally had the courage to take her to church. We've been a combination of apprehensive and too deliriously tired to make it. I'm glad we finally took her. Before she was born she would kick like crazy during the entire service and especially during the music. She loved listening to the music and "sang" along by cooing to the female vocalists. It was good. Life is pretty good right now- especially in Avery's eyes!