Friday, August 27, 2010

First Taste of Military Life

Well I feel like a big baby for complaining for two weeks about not having my husband around. He comes home tomorrow but I feel like he has been gone forever. It already breaks my heart knowing how many moms and dads leave their children (and spouses) behind for deployments but having this two week introduction made it hurt even worse. Our family is fortunate that the type of role Stephen plays in the military means he is very safe here in the U.S. I can't imagine the fear and sadness moms and dads experience when their spouse is deployed.

Avery did very well the first week but by the middle of the second week she was very clingy and worried I was going to leave like daddy. I feel so bad for the moms and dads who have to deal with this for a full year or longer. When Avery cries for her daddy it just breaks my heart. I am fortunate because he's just a few states away and will be back soon I cannot imagine having him away to Afghanistan! Ugh.

This small taste of military life was a big eye-opener for me. I hope everyone who knows a military family takes an extra minute to check in on them. Little kids seem like they are unaffected but they really are...sometimes in very small ways. Mom or dad may be staying up late nights comforting the babes. They may hear a plane like little Avery and run home thinking they will see daddy. Such disappointment! These little things add up and surely make the time apart that much more difficult.

Much love and prayers to all who have moms or dads deployed!!!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Everyone's in Bed So I Turn to My Blog

Can I just say that I'm PISSED! P I S S E D. Yep I'm cursing.

After over a year of working my butt off for a company doing things that were paid as well as volunteer they have decided that I am no longer "adequate" for an aspect of the paid part of my duties. Oh but they would LOVE to see me continue the volunteer part. Um yeah, sure you would. There are maybe 5-6 other people who do the same volunteer role in other areas of the company but truth be told, I do WAY more work as a volunteer than anyone else. I don't do it for accolades or anything like that. I did it because the financial gain from the paid work was much appreciated by my family. I love(d) the company...what they stood for....the service they provided. I knew what was expected of me and I was helping others learn how to get accustomed to their knew role as a contractor for this company (all that stuff was my unpaid role). I saved the employees of this company a lot of time by volunteering...and I mean a LOT of time. I put out fires, reported thieves, filtered "complaints" and brought to light real questions and problems, herded the sheep, bandaged name it-- I did it all-- virtually speaking of course.

So yeah...I don't get to do the same paid work anymore but they would love it if I would continue my volunteer duties--my choice. Jerks. Are you kidding me? You pee on someone who's given so much FREE about some coaching if I need to improve? Or am I getting paid too much and you need me to work less? Was there SOME other way around this? I am pretty sure there was. Since you went the icky route...and had the gall to ask if I would still want to volunteer despite not getting to continue with the same paid role.... I have to say I am very disappointed in you.

I'm also disappointed in myself. I knew I was giving too much. I ALWAYS give too much. Sometimes I pout when I'm alone because people never give back equally...or at all most times. I can't give 10% I guess. I have to give it all or I don't feel like I've done enough. Would you call that having pride in your work ethic? When am I going to learn? I cut a lot of people out of my life in the previous 24 months because I was always the giver. I had a lot less stress when I got those people out of my life. I miss some of them but I know it isn't worth it. I need to learn not to give 100% all the time. I'm sick of getting peed on for being to generous... jerks.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

My Munchkin Hates Me!

I sincerely don't believe she actually *hates* me but she has been awfully mean lately! About two weeks ago she kept waking up sneezing and then having a short-term drippy nose. I assumed that because I was having some allergy problems she was too. Well- a few days later we find out we infected pretty much every munchkin in our playgroup. Ouch...we deserve the dirty diaper award for that! Anyway, she was downright GROUCHY for days and days. It has not let up so far. Her symptoms of illness seem a little better--just a clear runny nose BUT she is so angry. She has been smacking me, scratching, pinching and yelling if I even look in her direction. She doesn't really do that to dad. Sometimes she tells him "no" that she doesn't want to play but she has not been nearly as awful towards him. I have a nice scab on my cheek where she removed a strip of skin! This is not mixing well with my already heightened sensitivity due to being pregnant.

I'm ready for her to be well and happy again. This is not fun. I can't really take her anywhere because she has the drippy nose but trying to keep her happy when she doesn't want me can see my dilemma here. Ugh!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

VBAC Journey Thoughts

I'm way over the half-way mark now.. so my thoughts about getting through this pregnancy are no longer about what I can eat that wont make me throw up but am I going to get this baby out and how badly will it hurt? Ha! I read at least one birth story per day, kind of like an affirmation. I must say that it has served me well. The closer I get to having this baby the more I realize how wounded I am from my first delivery...can I even call it a delivery? I didn't deliver my baby, a team of people in pale blue masks and green scrubs did. How sad is that? The more I think about it all the more angry I get. I carried a baby for 41 weeks and 1 day. I deserved to deliver my own baby and to hold her first-- before anyone else!

So many people consider a c-section a routine part of life. Just something that happens...and they move on. For some c-section moms it really is no big deal. For others, it causes wounds that are far greater than a 6 inch scar across the uterus. In order for me to face my future labor I have to get beyond my previous birth experience. I can still recall every second of my hospital stay and I remember exactly what is feels like and sounds like to be prepped for a c-section, to have the staples removed and to try and hold a newborn after being drugged so heavily. The first time I saw my baby I could hardly make her out. My vision was so blurry and I couldn't stop shaking. I remember the next time they tried to bring her to me I refused her. I felt so awful I didn't even want to hold my baby! Looking at her now I can't even imagine waiting 4 hours to touch her for the first time. What was I thinking? I try not to be mad at myself for refusing to hold her. I know she wont hold it against me and no one else will either. I just feel sick thinking that this is how I met my first child.

It all went wrong. I've spent the past 27 weeks doing everything I can to keep it from going wrong again. I am not entirely in control of how things will go but I definitely wont be receptive to any scare tactics this time. My experience has lead me to a new path in life and plans for a new career in the future. Every mother deserves the birth she wants. Most of us first-timers think it just comes naturally. It really doesn't. I mean, if we lived in nature and didn't rely heavily on the medical system-- then yes, every woman would probably have a great birth experience (Except for that small number of women who really may need a c-section). Instead, we follow all these routine practices of care or standard operating procedures as if my body is just like the previous pregnant body. We're all different but the medical system tries to make us the same.

In the grieving process of getting over my c-section, I'm a anger and bargaining but I'm nearing the depression stage-- the part where I will spend time reflecting and feeling as if no one understands why this is still bothering me. Lets hope I'm through the 7th stage by the time I enter into labor.

For anyone else preparing for a VBAC or trying to understand why c-sections are a big deal, head over to