Monday, October 25, 2010

Giant Yet Invisible

I'm three days away from my original due date and 10 days away from my "hospital" due date. I feel giant. I can't walk around because breathing is a chore thanks to hormones but also because I can't "walk softly". I'm honestly not *that* big but of course I'm not normal-sized either. I'm still in my non-pregnancy underwear.. so I feel OK with my weight. Anyway..that isn't the point of my "giant" post today.

I'm half annoyed half sad...and feeling a little bit invisible. Two of my local friends, ones I have known longer than my newer mommy friends, called/texted in the past week and seemed completely oblivious to the fact that I was pregnant. One actually thought I was only half-way through my pregnancy. Now I know being pregnant only seems like a big deal to the person who is actually pregnant but these people haven't talked to me in weeks...actually more like 2 months. I don't expect anyone to know exactly how far along I am but it was obvious when they asked when I was due that they realized it had been a LONG time since we talked. I am starting to see why my husband wants to move closer to family. Friends are cool and all but sometimes they aren't enough. So when these friends say "oh let me know if you need help when the baby comes" my first thought yeah...right....sure thing. I think part of it is just that life is so fast and busy for everyone. It stinks. It really deteriorates the quality of relationships-- marriage, friendships..everything. It probably doesn't help matters much that my husband is also pretty much oblivious to my being pregnant.. his head is in North Carolina already. Luckily when the baby does come it will cry a lot so he wont be able to ignore him/her anymore.

I probably sound like a big whiner right now but I actually feel some peace after experiencing this. I have always thought that saying that people are in your life for a "reason, season or lifetime" rang true. It definitely seems to be accurate in my life at the moment.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Men Truly Are from Mars

My husband was really working hard on his MBA and his part time role with the Marines here locally. He was always 100% distracted/obsessed/absorbed with those things. It was hard to get his attention when needed...for anything! If I tried to talk to him (ever) he was frustrated because, of course, he was engrossed in something school/work related. I always responded with, "Well, when can I talk to you then?" I kinda gave up. I thought it was just temporary.

Now he is out of school due to his upcoming mobilization. I thought that this would be an opportunity for us to reconnect before he left...since really he has no "duties" until he leaves. Guess I was wrong on that one. I'm at the end of my rope with it all. We have a baby coming in 4 or so weeks and we don't have a name, none of the baby stuff has been decided on, the emergency road delivery plan isn't made... the list goes on. How do I get some freaking attention around here? Ugh.

The emotional side of me is really worried about how this will impact our marriage. If he leaves and we are this disconnected, how are we going to survive a year apart? I feel like we are two strangers in our how will being apart a year make things? It would be twice as weird, wouldn't it? Awkward? His response to my concerns-- it will just work out. While he is off working and watching days turn into night rapidly-- I will be here with two kids pulling my hair out, crying and wishing for an emotional connection...because that is what women do. I'm totally fine with being a single mom for a year but I need some sort of sign that this separation isn't going to destroy our marriage. If strong marriages falter during a separation, what is going to happen to our frazzled matrimony over the next 12 months? Why doesn't he even seem concerned? Men are just weird. I have no idea how he is fine with all this but I'd pay big bucks to feel as carefree as he does right now.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Seasons Change

I am just so incredibly overwhelmed...and pregnancy just makes that feeling magnified! Fall is my favorite time of year. It is also one that pulls on my heart because a very special lady, Leanne, is forever embedded in fall in my memory and she lives in Indiana now. We both have little ones so visiting isn't that with every leaf, Pumpkin Spice Latte and other sign of fall I feel both happy and sad.

This fall season is one of an especially large amount of change for me and my little family. Our baby is due sometime in the next 34 or so days. My husband just received word that he is being mobilized to North Carolina within the next 45 days. He will stay there for 12 months. Now, when he first heard about this opportunity our whole family was moving. I was apprehensive about uprooting myself and a newborn (literally a newborn!) to a new state but I thought for a year it would be like an adventure. We would keep our house it to a trusted friend and just go live in NC while he worked. Well, the orders now indicate that he will be going without his family. This is really bothering me. First, I am planning to deliver our baby about 2 hours away in Iowa City. Coordinating that trip (in labor) plus rendezvousing with our friend who is going to watch our toddler was going to add enough complexity to it to make anyone crazy. Now he may or may not be here when I go into labor.

So once that hurdle is cleared I get to worry about handling a newborn and a very active 22 month-old. A is very well behaved (unless she's sick) and really not a handful. However, she does need to do something every day. She isn't going to be content lounging around the house all day while I try to get into a routine with the newborn. Plus, she'll be confused about sharing my attention with a baby and her daddy will be gone. Sleepless nights, crying, extra diapers, recovering from childbirth...etc...something I hadn't even worried about because I knew with Stephen around we'd be just fine.

The added detail that makes this sad for me-- to most people this doesn't sound too bad because they'll just call their mom, aunt, sister, cousin etc etc and have them rotate off or help out in any way necessary. All the ladies in families love babies and will take every opportunity to hold them, squeeze them and help a new mom out. This isn't an option for me. Stephen's family lives too far away and aren't the traveling type. Anyone who knows me really well knows what I'm saying-- I just don't have a relationship with anyone in my family so having help isn't an option for me.

On the positive side, there are a LOT of doulas nearby who are needing to make money so I'll be lining one or a few up to help during the early months after the baby is born.

This is definitely not a direction I ever imagined my life taking. I'm just glad I'm not the one making the decision because I don't want any responsibility in splitting our family up for this period of time. I don't see how it will cause positive change. While one of us is working a 9-5 the other will be managing a household 24/7. I know lots of women do it but I feel like this took me by surprise... I didn't sign up for it that is for sure.