Don't Say You Want Honesty...When You Don't!

People are ridiculous. We are idiosyncratic by nature. We claim to want honesty but when we hear it we are offended. The "does this make my butt look big" joke is an old cliche now but it is a key example of what I'm talking about. When we speak the truth we have to censor ourselves. Avoid being too abrasive. Be sure to be sensitive to various populations...but wait...that "various populations" group is infinite if you think about it. You can't be totally honest when you talk to anyone because you are likely to offend them. Ridiculous! Someone who is deeply insecure may be offended because he is too scared to make the same decisions you make. Instead of accepting that and being inspired by you-- he resents you and is offended by your honesty. Ridiculous! This situation probably comes up most often for mothers and politicians (and any other group considered to be radicals!). A mom or a politician can say what everyone is thinking but still be frowned upon. Why? Is it social conformity? Passive obedience? Ignorance?

Maybe its me. Maybe I just share too much. I think I'm helping pave the way for others to speak honestly but instead I'm just the town crier, the local hobo...the person everyone points and stares at? If only I had the luxury of a label then maybe I'd know when my honesty would be appreciated and when it would be offensive. Or maybe everyone needs to get thicker skin and be a little more honest themselves!

Silence!

For the past 9 weeks Ainsley has cried...the kind of cry that makes her face turn purple and she chokes on mucus that her throat produces to protect itself from all the friction. I'm sitting here in a quiet house and I just finished a HOT cup of tea. I'm reflecting on this 9 week journey and it is making me emotional...angry...sad...disappointed. First, let me just say that I am angry at having asked for help from so many "experts" and received shitty answers. My pediatrician said...wait until she's 12 weeks and she'll stop crying and in the meantime- don't have anyone but family watch her for you so they don't hurt her...and I should put that in quotes because that is exactly what she said! My midwife fed her formula and breastmilk in a bottle...and had decent results but they didn't last. My osteopath found that her rib was out of place and her back and neck were out of line. I made a trip to the ER and was given a colic packet that said to put the baby somewhere safe and let her cry and to go to the ER if I thought I would hurt her. The doctors there also told me to drink a Mt. Dew and prepare myself to have no sleep and to drink a glass of wine while she cried and not go to her until the glass was empty. Hmm. Yeah no wonder moms shake or hit their newborns. I know that most of you would read that and say, "oh no, not me, I would never get that upset." And my response: no...you wouldn't...because most babies don't cry like this! I wouldn't do it either...but in the past 9 weeks I have thought things that I feel ashamed for thinking and I have yelled and punched things (like doors and pillows) and cried a desperate cry that I have never experienced before. I reached a point of exasperation where I was no longer frantic to make my baby feel better but instead...I just wanted her to stop crying...whatever the cost! Thankfully after dialing several numbers in my phone I was able to reach people who could help. This Sunday I really reached a point where I could no longer handle the crying...and it started at 6:45am and went until 4pm with a short break and then went on again until sometime between 9 and 10pm that night. And this wasn't UNUSUAL this was just a day following a week all of us having the flu.

The same amazing mom I've written about in the past came to stay over Sunday to pretty much make sure I didn't hurt my baby...(don't judge me until you've listened helplessly to your newborn cry for hours on end and have no family nearby to help out). That night we dug a little deeper into a breastfeeding issue that I kind of thought I had in the beginning and that this mom mentioned that she thought fit in line with what we were experiencing. We figured out how to compensate for it-- it is a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance. It is characterized by green poo (sometimes mucousy), crying, pain, gas and general discomfort due to being less satisfied after eating. I also had a lot of symptoms that fit with this (painful letdown, excessive leaking and spraying, fullness etc). You know..the fix is rather simple so why the hell didn't any of the "professionals" I consulted ever mention it? All I did beginning Monday morning was nurse her on the same side for 2 feedings and then later that day I used a hand pump to pump past the let down phase before feeding Ainsley. It is now Friday..5 full days later and Ainsley hasn't cried for more than 30-45 seconds at a time (except in the car seat but that is normal).

Back to my emotional state-- I feel sad that I missed out on the first 9 weeks of my daughter's life because we were fighting this horrible battle together. I missed out on snuggling with a tiny little baby that just sleeps all day. She has NEVER slept all day. I set out to really enjoy the stages of Ainsley's life because I know that there is a really good chance that this is the last baby we will have. I know every mom always sets out to soak up every minute but I really wanted to just enjoy it because I knew what I was doing this second time around.

The past is the past..and I am so thankful that Ainsley seems to be "better" now. I am scared to really believe that the crying is over because I think I will be crushed if it starts again. In the meantime...my house is so quiet and that means both my girls are doing just fine.

Thriving

I've never been too terribly bothered by "unsolicited advice" in all my (few) years of raising children. However, lately it is bothering me. I'm in a situation where I have to ask for help-- whether it be just asking for advice, to talk or physically needing a break. It seems the medical professionals in my life have varying opinions on what defines a thriving baby. A few days ago Ainsley cried for huge blocks of time and only slept a total of 5 hours and some minutes over the course of the 14 hour day. I called our pediatrician and the on call doc called back telling me to take her to the ER in case she had a virus without a fever. So I did...but I was pretty much treated like an idiot mom at midnight who takes her "colicky" kid in. I was concerned that Ainsley's weight had only gone up 2 ounces in two weeks...the first ER pedi said that my breast milk wasn't "fatty enough" yet, which is normal she says. Um...ok...that is something I have NEVER read in any of my lactation consultant training or any breastfeeding book before. Whatever. Next ER pedi comes in and tells me to have a glass of wine and not visit the baby until the glass is gone. Um....what? I'm sent home with a crazy packet of information about colicky children-- much of it focuses on letting them cry it out and a few other generic suggestions: swaddle, rock, car rides, shushing etc. I'm not going to hurt Ainsley...but the long hours of crying are really pushing my limits, especially with a toddler. The shoddy advice from the health care team was less than encouraging.

I relayed this information and my troubles to another medical professional in my life and was told that the lack of weight gain was basically a sign that Ainsley wasn't thriving... which I would agree with but I'm not sure what to do about it. I've given up dairy and gluten to see what kind of results that can create. This person took Ainsley for several hours and fed her some expressed breast milk and a few ounces of formula. Ainsley slept a good deal after this and then she was awake and I saw her coo for the first time ever. This caused me some mixed feelings. First, it made me immediately believe that my breast milk is inadequate. Second, it didn't entirely convince me that supplementing with formula was the way to go. I came home and could not get her to latch on to feed...so I felt like it was one step forward and two steps back!

At this point I'm not sure what to do. I'm going in to see our regular pedi today. I suppose she'll have a different opinion...she'll either agree that Ainsley isn't thriving or she will say she should just "cry it out". Ugh... I know babies don't come with manuals but it would be nice if medical advice was somewhat consistent from one person to the next....and it would be great to have some encouragement instead of reasons to feel inadequate. Thinking that my child isn't thriving because of something I'm doing...some emotion (stress/anxiety) that I'm projecting is to blame is disheartening.

We'll see what today brings.

Ahhhhhhh!

Last night was awful! It is really depressing to walk into the bedroom and see the bed made, lamps on and remember that you'll be sleeping alone tonight...and every night for a long time. I guess I can say I was lucky that I didn't spend too much time in bed. Avery absolutely didn't want to go to bed. She was behaving strangely. She ended up getting naked and asking to use the potty four times. The fifth time she didn't potty in the potty chair-- so I thought it was a game. I quit getting her out...big mistake. She peed twice in the bed after getting naked. Keep in mind here-- I'm putting her clothes back on every single time. The sixth time (at midnight) I finally left her naked in her crib. I realized she may pee or poo in her bed and have to sleep in it but I felt like this game could have gone on all night. I tried everything-- snap diapers, difficult to remove clothes and almost used a safety pin to keep a zipper from going down but I was afraid she'd figure out how to open it and hurt herself. While this fiasco was going on from 7:30pm until midnight-- Ainsley was crying. I would tend to her-- go re-dress Avery and change the bedding..back and forth back and forth. At 2am Ainsley finally went to sleep...woke at 4 and went back to sleep at 6..but Avery woke up at 6. This was exhausting and I cried almost the entire time. I felt terrible for Avery because she kept saying "remember Daddy" as if he had been gone a long time.

Anyway-- today wasn't much better but whatever. Every day is going to be the same-- stressful and tiring. I tried to determine what I would do on Mondays-- I was going to scrub the bathrooms but I'm so tired I don't care. Maybe next Monday I'll clean the bathrooms. I did manage to create a craft for Avery. I printed Santa coloring pages. I let her color one. Maybe tomorrow we'll glue on cotton balls for his beard. I figured she'd enjoy dipping the ball into glue and sticking it on his beard. She is coloring inside the lines these days so I thought this would be a step up.

Stephen is about to arrive on base in North Carolina in the next hour. When he sent me that message I felt like this situation was "for real"...as if it wasn't real last night..or maybe he would turn around and come home. Ugh.

First Day: Sunday!

Well there was no chance we'd be making it to church this morning so that goes on my "to accomplish" list next week. I'm making this mental "to accomplish" list to keep myself from being overwhelmed. It seems that after I complete one of these accomplishments I feel like I can make it a regular part of my routine. Take the grocery trip yesterday for example, I feel pretty confident that I could take both kids out today to get the eggs we forgot. However, I have yet to fit in a shower so I'm putting the store off until tomorrow.

Stephen left at 8 this morning. He was very sad to say goodbye to his little girl. I mean, he was sad to leave all of us but he and Avery have a very special bond. He told her he was going to North Carolina for a while and she seemed OK. She did tell him not to go a few times but he distracted her with Toy Story.

On Sundays we have open houses from 1-4pm. Stephen kind of destroyed the house packing. It seems everything he left was in a pile in some corner of every room. UGH! First, the batteries died in the swing-- which is the only place Ainsley will sleep if I set her down. Second, I had 3 D batteries and the machine takes 4. Third, Avery wanted to eat in the living room. I normally don't let her eat much in the living room but she was starving and Ainsley was too. So...a bowl of Goldfish, sunflower seeds, bananas, strawberries and cheese was delivered. I know that is a weird breakfast but she didn't want eggs, oatmeal, cereal, toast or pancakes-- and yes-- I offered her them ALL! This is one battle I am giving up right here and now. When Avery is hungry-- she is uncooperative and actually pretty mean. I can either be strict and tell her she has to eat what is in front of her or go hungry (and deal with cranky pants) or I can let her eat what she likes (within reason). I'm thinking for now-- I'm going to keep giving her the "buffet" tray of things to eat. Anyway-- 25% of the bowl ended up smashed into the carpet (Open house day remember!).

Long story short-- I left the living room alone because she was destroying it and quickly cleaned up everywhere else. This was a LONG process. I had to stop and feed both kids twice during these 5 hours...change 6 diapers and 2 sets of clothes. Now both kids are napping and the house is clean except none of the floors are vaccummed (remember the Goldfish, sunflower seeds, bananas, strawberries and cheese?). I feel like I can cross preparing for the open house off my "to accomplish" list. I managed it and while I wouldn't lick my bathroom countertops-- they are mostly clean. We just scrubbed them last week... so they aren't that bad.

On to another topic-- I've decided what Sundays will include: Church, cleaning the house up for the open house and that is all. Sunday is to be a day of rest anyway so I'm going to enforce that in my home going forward. I feel like I should be doing 1,000 things but I'm not going to do anything but fulfill the girls' basic needs and hopefully my own! (Remember, I haven't showered yet today!). Now...if only I could shower while they were napping during the open house...but that could be a little awkward.

Eve of Departure

Today Stephen basically acted as if he wasn't really here when it came to handling both kids. I'm not sure if this was entirely intentional (to help me get used to it) or if he was just busy preparing to leave. Regardless, it was complete insanity. Last night, Avery refused to sleep. She crashed for 45 minutes at 7:30am but she was literally up 24 hours...and refused a nap later. We all went grocery shopping at three stores to stock up so I wouldn't have to take the girls out alone for a few more weeks. INSANE! This is where Stephen really let me handle things. If it were freezing cold right now-- Avy would have been turned into an ice cube sitting in the cart while I tried to get Ainsley out. I tried the car seat in the cart-- annoying because not all carts are big enough. I also tried carrying her in my ErgoBaby carrier but getting her into that quickly and then getting Avery is not quick at all! Anyway, it was rough.

My little one day experiment made me realize just how crazy hard it is to be a parent. I've had rough moments with Avery (prior to Ainsley) but I never really thought I would explode or possibly go insane. I definitely feel crazy now. I feel like the time I spend with each girl is just to fulfill their basic needs. Rarely do I get to interact with either of them in a way that is promoting their development or even nurturing. I'm simply providing for them...clothes, food, clean diapers, baths. That is about it. I really hope that in the coming days (not weeks or months!) I am able to spend quality time with these kids...and I'd love to have 15 minutes to myself. When I shower these days- I have one screaming newborn in a bouncy seat and a curious toddler whipping open the shower curtain spraying water everywhere.

Making the Best of It

I'm mostly OCD but having a toddler (and now a newborn) makes it hard to fulfill my obsessions..especially the ones that focus on being clean! So in order to cope with my husband's departure I have come up with a crazy plan to really organize our house from top to bottom. It isn't in that bad of shape but I feel like I have a lot of clothes that I will never wear, junk that we don't use and there are some things we need around the house--like couch pillows and a second set of sheets! All these things we just put off. So beginning Monday after Stephen leaves I will create a plan to attack this organization stuff. In addition to putting myself back on a cleaning schedule I'm going to have a project that I work on until it is complete. Normally my OCD self would put a deadline on when it would be done but with two kiddos I think I'd be happier just saying the task has to be complete before the next is started!

My first task is going to be a fun one-- I'm going to print and organize all of our photos from 2008 to present. I have a scrap booking addiction that I am very behind on. So I'm going to print photos, put them in a box with a label of the month and year...and task two will be to scrap book through 2009. I think it is OK to be a year behind but 2 years is insane!

To save myself from getting overwhelmed I'm not going to make a list of major projects. I'm going to work on one and then decide the next. This is very difficult for my OCD self to handle but I think it is the smartest way to handle things.

On another note... an ongoing task I have is to get back in shape! I've been pregnant or breastfeeding since March of 2008 and it shows! Even though I got back to my pre-pregnancy weight before getting pregnant again-- I was not muscular as I used to be. We have a membership at the YMCA so I better start using it!

Let's hope my OCD behavior can keep me sane. Stephen leaves in two days and I'm totally not ready.

First Taste of Military Life

Well I feel like a big baby for complaining for two weeks about not having my husband around. He comes home tomorrow but I feel like he has been gone forever. It already breaks my heart knowing how many moms and dads leave their children (and spouses) behind for deployments but having this two week introduction made it hurt even worse. Our family is fortunate that the type of role Stephen plays in the military means he is very safe here in the U.S. I can't imagine the fear and sadness moms and dads experience when their spouse is deployed.

Avery did very well the first week but by the middle of the second week she was very clingy and worried I was going to leave like daddy. I feel so bad for the moms and dads who have to deal with this for a full year or longer. When Avery cries for her daddy it just breaks my heart. I am fortunate because he's just a few states away and will be back soon I cannot imagine having him away to Afghanistan! Ugh.

This small taste of military life was a big eye-opener for me. I hope everyone who knows a military family takes an extra minute to check in on them. Little kids seem like they are unaffected but they really are...sometimes in very small ways. Mom or dad may be staying up late nights comforting the babes. They may hear a plane like little Avery and run home thinking they will see daddy. Such disappointment! These little things add up and surely make the time apart that much more difficult.

Much love and prayers to all who have moms or dads deployed!!!

VBAC Journey Thoughts

I'm way over the half-way mark now.. so my thoughts about getting through this pregnancy are no longer about what I can eat that wont make me throw up but instead...how am I going to get this baby out and how badly will it hurt? Ha! I read at least one birth story per day, kind of like an affirmation. I must say that it has served me well. The closer I get to having this baby the more I realize how wounded I am from my first delivery...can I even call it a delivery? I didn't deliver my baby, a team of people in pale blue masks and green scrubs did. How sad is that? The more I think about it all the more angry I get. I carried a baby for 41 weeks and 1 day. I deserved to deliver my own baby and to hold her first-- before anyone else!

So many people consider a c-section a routine part of life. Just something that happens...and they move on. For some c-section moms it really is no big deal. For others, it causes wounds that are far greater than a 6 inch scar across the uterus. In order for me to face my future labor I have to get beyond my previous birth experience. I can still recall every second of my hospital stay and I remember exactly what is feels like and sounds like to be prepped for a c-section, to have the staples removed and to try and hold a newborn after being drugged so heavily. The first time I saw my baby I could hardly make her out. My vision was so blurry and I couldn't stop shaking. I remember the next time they tried to bring her to me I refused her. I felt so awful I didn't even want to hold my baby! Looking at her now I can't even imagine waiting 4 hours to touch her for the first time. What was I thinking? I try not to be mad at myself for refusing to hold her. I know she wont hold it against me and no one else will either. I just feel sick thinking that this is how I met my first child.

It all went wrong. I've spent the past 27 weeks doing everything I can to keep it from going wrong again. I am not entirely in control of how things will go but I definitely wont be receptive to any scare tactics this time. My experience has lead me to a new path in life and plans for a new career in the future. Every mother deserves the birth she wants. Most of us first-timers think it just comes naturally. It really doesn't. I mean, if we lived in nature and didn't rely heavily on the medical system-- then yes, every woman would probably have a great birth experience (Except for that small number of women who really may need a c-section). Instead, we follow all these routine practices of care or standard operating procedures as if my body is just like the previous pregnant body. We're all different but the medical system tries to make us the same.

In the grieving process of getting over my c-section, I'm a anger and bargaining but I'm nearing the depression stage-- the part where I will spend time reflecting and feeling as if no one understands why this is still bothering me. Lets hope I'm through the 7th stage by the time I enter into labor.

For anyone else preparing for a VBAC or trying to understand why c-sections are a big deal, head over to www.WillWorkforVBAC.com.

Brainless

I know there really is evidence that pregnant women have memory and brain functioning issues, but man, I think it is worse this time than last. During my first pregnancy I could tell you how far along I was right down to the actual week and day. Now, I think I'm somewhere between 15 and 20 weeks?? It is June 5th but I thought last month was June...and keep calling it July. I guess I missed the fireworks already??

While I'm getting dumber, Avery is getting smarter. Thankfully! Someone in this house has to keep their brain. Every day we are amazed at her little tiny voice and all that she says with it. When she hears music she sings with it but she replaces the words with "Happy Birthday". I just love it when she does that, it is too funny. She puts strings of words together too! Tonight as the sun was setting she said, "oh no, bright sun" as the sun shined in her eyes. Too cute. Her new thing is to do this really awful dance when she hears a good song too. It is adorable, but I hope she gets better with age. Right now her form looks like she's tapping one foot while flapping her arms around and bouncing her hip all at once. Oh, and she shakes her hair with the beat too! What a geek.