Phase II-Title Deed Ceremony

Well Phase II of Christ Life is finally over. I say finally not because I'm tired of it but the 3 hour time commitment every week was kind of annoying. I was so busy today that I didn't have time to think about what I would contribute to the ceremony. So I arrived hoping to be inspired.

Describing Christ Life to anyone that hasn't been through it is a bad idea. So let me just say this- I arrived scattered brained but when I left I felt strangely calm but drained. Part of these feelings can be attributed to the days tasks but the rest I think was the ceremony.

Tonight we were to write down the issues we struggle with from Phase I and Phase II and nail them to a cross (meaning we give them to God to work through). Once we finished explaining to our peers what our issues were we then took them down and burned them outside. This sounded really crazy and pointless to me prior to actually doing it.

I sat with my pen in hand and didn't know what to write. Even after 26 weeks of working on this I had no clue what to put down. I think this was me being stubborn. It was my head speaking for me instead of my heart. So I just wrote down GUILT and traced it over and over. Then stuff started coming to me. My biggest issue that I can't resolve on my own is GUILT...Guilt for things I shouldn't even feel guilt for. When I stood up to explain my issues I said I was putting the guilt I feel for keeping my mom out of my life and Avery's life on the cross, and that I was wiping the slate clean with my dad since he is making a minimal effort to be a part of Avery's life... and something came up that I hadn't really felt like was bothering me... just attempting to say it aloud made me shake and feel weak. I've felt guilt for the way my brother was raised...by me. I know I've admitted this to myself before but tonight I threw it out there to let it go. My brother turned out just fine. It was never my responsibility to take care of us and especially not to take care of him. I should never have had to do it. I should never have had to feel the guilt of him struggling through life because he didn't have a strong role model to guide him. He's doing great now and it wasn't ME who got him where he is. He did it on HIS OWN! He turned out ok. His struggles were tough and can be attributed to the way I parented him/lack of parenting but it is ok-I am not going to feel guilty anymore- I don't need to feel that guilt! I did the best I could.

Now that this Phase has ended I'm ready to move forward...which I have already started to do. Phase III will be hard as it will require discipleship like I've never known before. I'm ready to serve others though so bring it on!

The Bible needs a Google search feature

Those of you that know me (or have spent even 10 minutes with me) you know that I'm a know-it-all...the annoying kind too! Well I'm in Phase II of Christ Life (www.christlife.org) and I feel stupid. I really feel like asking the facilitator to dumb it down for me (I apologize if that is an offensive way to phrase things). I've always been a good student and I'm quick to learn new things. However, this part of the Christ Life series is not sinking in. I don't know if it is technique or my own lack of effort.

Bits of what I heard tonight and my response are as follows:

Jesus will come down riding a white charger and we (if we are dead then) will be following. In my mind I just kept saying "Huh uh". So does that mean I don't believe in Jesus and all that has been explained in the scriptures? The whole mental picture that was being painted in class just made me say "no way...not true..I don't buy it!" Then I tuned out for another 10-15 minutes.

Jesus lived the law perfectly and thus because we were baptized in Him then so did we. Wait...what? I'm still sinning today and every day...we all are!! So how does this work? I don't even know the law well enough to know how I sin every day. I'm that far behind!

So Jesus is the second Adam because he did as the first should have.

I get this part. But is this true? Does that even matter or did someone just make the connection and think it was cool? So Jesus was perfect...I get it. The facilitator responded to this whole situation as if she were really moved...I don't feel that way.

Somewhere within the two hour class we were talking about how the Holy Spirit works and how we have to listen and see spiritually to recognize it. I posed the semi-hypothetical situation from my small group: A guy and a girl break up. He sees the girl in places where she normally never goes and sees her there more than one time. He takes it as a sign from God that he is either to talk to her or maybe they are to get back together. So I pose the question- just how is a person to know if that is God's intention or that it is just their own mind willing it to be so? The response I get It is in the Word. So read it and test it. WHAT? How...what page? Where is Google located within the Bible? I understand that we are to be "in the Word" daily etc. However, when faced with a situation that is live and going on at the moment what does one do if they don't know the Bible enough to just pull the right verse out of their brain? I'm not cool enough to have flashcards with themes on them to yank out whenever I need it.

Ugh..I don't know. I don't think I've ever felt so dumb or struggled to understand a topic before. The class's purpose is for us to identify the false things that we believed in the past (i.e. that we are worthless, unlovable etc...whatever our problem may be from growing up). Once we identify those then we are to replace them with truths from the Word. It is just not working for me. I'm spending a lot of time in this class trying to figure stuff out and it isn't adding up.