Happy Veteran's Day

I honestly expected this "holiday" to come and go without much thought in our house. We live in a community fairly saturated with military families so I think I have already become a little insensitive to the lifestyle. It takes seeing someone's face and knowing their situation, whether it be a mom at home with multiple kids and a deployed husband or a friend who lost a loved one overseas, to shake off the numbness. I have come to know some extremely tough moms who maintain their sanity better than I do despite a deployed husband! Just getting through a week as a stay-at-home mom is tough for a lot of us, but living daily without the support of your husband has got to be intense. *I know there are women deployed too, but I haven't met any dads (yet).

I am extremely thankful that my husband's position isn't deployable, at this time. If that were to change in the near future I am not sure what I would do with myself. It is hard enough making friends in a new place as it is but to create a support system would be insane. My short experience of being a stay-at-home mom with two girls, alone, didn't go so well and I was in a community where I knew plenty of other moms. My stomach still churns when I think back to last winter and the months the girls and I struggled together. But, it could have been worse. We could have been sending Stephen off to war instead of North Carolina! There are so many families with deployed loved ones...so many kids missing their parent(s)...they deserve so much love and appreciation.

My little brother has been stationed overseas for the past 4 years and is about to embark on another 2 year tour on a Naval ship. The first two years I was stressed and worried about him so much! He got into a few nasty situations and came out just fine so I have learned to trust that he really is a soldier. I will always worry about him, of course, but I am so proud of him for becoming a Seaman and sticking with it (I think he finally beat his longevity record of working at Pizza Hut for several years). It does break my heart that he has met Avery only twice...the last time being right before her first birthday. He has yet to meet Ainsley- who just turned one. I am thankful that he has been stationed in "mild" places (Greece and Italy) and not Iraq or Afghanistan...so far. I pray he never gets his wish and enters a more hazardous zone. It is fortunate that deployments to war zones are typically 6-12 months long. I can't imagine what it would be like for the family or the solider to spend several years in a dangerous place. Separation is hard...regardless of the time and the location. There are so many families dealing with it every day. I really can't complain when I look at the families in our community. I am humbled by my experiences thus far and pray I don't get the opportunity to spend any more time without my husband than I already did this last winter. If you are like me and have become a bit numb to the military families around you- I hope you take today to think about life in their shoes.

Not Really A Cliche

I bet we can all list off 5+ cliches without hesitation. In the right moment those cliches probably offer strength and reassurance. Any other moment they are just...well...cliches!

I don't think I have ever had an experience in my life that really made me rethink my every waking moment--until recently. Part of me is confused about why this particular event has had such an impact on me and part of me is thankful that it did. I'm extremely guilty of saying, "It will be better/different/easier later." I'm constantly putting off things in anticipation of a more ideal moment for doing them. Disorder in my home always puts me in a bad mood. I'm constantly trying to keep up with the mess so I can get rid of my headache. I always say that as soon as the house is clean we will go do this or that. What is the point really? There is only one day like today (and I have no idea if that is a cliche but it sure has potential, eh?).

I've been thinking about the things I do every day that I don't really care to do. I've been trying to make a list of the things that really matter to me. It is so difficult to cross off things like laundry and replace them with other events like exploration. Why? Is it all my personality or something else? Hmm. I'll probably never answer that but the one thing I can control is what I do with my time every day. Well, sort of. I can't control everything because my kids usually decide what I get to do most of the day.

My crazy mind can't just "wing it" on a daily basis so I have had to make a list of the things that I need to do every day. Some of the things are necessities (like cleaning) and others are interests (like going to the park). Normally I try to do the necessities first...which leaves me with no time to do anything else. I've decided to turn the list upside down... what was once at the bottom of the priority list is now at the top. I may never have a house clean enough to invite a friend over to visit... but at least I wont have (as many) regrets. I don't ever want "yesterday" to be my last day with someone and to have spent it doing things that weren't important. I'd rather squeeze in the cleaning over squeezing in spending quality time with the people I love.

Spring

I have no idea why but I swear I smelled spring today. I am super awesome at picking up on the first signs of fall (my favorite season) but spring is hard to spot...especially in Iowa. Maybe it was the sunshine that was deceptive or the slushiness outside. Heck, it is ONLY January so I better stop thinking spring. I just can't wait for it this year though because Avery was just starting to love running around outside over the summer and fall..and she loves animals and flowers. It will just be a great time of exploring with her. And I can't wait to ditch the heavy coats! Have you ever tried to wear one while carrying a toddler and a baby? They stink!

So far the weather here has made it pretty hard to be sad about moving. I've enjoyed throwing lots of things away and putting several boxes of items up for sale online. I don't look forward to leaving the house for the last time because this is my first real home...with pictures on the wall! But it just doesn't feel like the home it did when Stephen was here...it feels temporary like all the other places I lived. This change will be good. We have hardly been a family of four. We have a lot of catching up to do.

Disappointed

Earlier I posted about being humble and learning to ask for help... well I asked for help. I had a friend of the family come up for 2.5 days so I could take care of a huge list of things I needed to do...some of it included sending documents to my husband, getting Christmas gifts for the girls, birthday gifts for Avery and a fairly large amount of work for a client of mine (with a deadline of tomorrow). Well this friend came up much later in the day than planned...shortening my time to get stuff done that day. Then the next day I was off at an appointment for Ainsley... well when I returned the friend HAD to go NOW. UGH. What the hell? I couldn't even fake an "Oh that is OK, I understand." I flat out had a look on my face that let her know I was pissed. She went on and on about how the reason she had to leave was just "so overwhelming". The thing is...she was called away because an unexpected visitor was on their way to her house...but they live 6 hours away. On top of this-- she has no kitchen because it is being remodeled and her visitor is vegan...and she lives in the middle of no where (where you can't really eat vegan easily unless you like iceberg and Dorthy Lynch salad dressing). So the best thing to do would have been to tell the person she mad a commitment already to stay and help us out...and leave as she had planned (or even a few hours earlier). Instead.. she left.

This is not the first instance of this kind of disappointment with this person. I would much rather she just say "No" she can't help than attempt to help and fail. All this did was set me back even further because I made plans for the time that she was here and basically waited until the last minute to do stuff because she was coming. By waiting until the last minute-- I really mean I just stopped stressing about being unable to fit the stuff in between the demands of the girls. Anyway... the major deadline work that I had to do is the only thing that I can't make up. I can shop online for the presents and I'll just have to drag the girls in and out of places to get the errands done... but that client isn't going to be happy that I wasn't able to fulfill my duties on time.

I don't know how to handle this situation... I don't even know what to say to the lady if she mentions it any time in the future. I know I wont be asking her for help again. I know she isn't obligated to help but when you make a commitment it is polite to keep it--especially if failing to keep it puts the person you were going to help in a worse spot than before! Grrrr!

First Taste of Military Life

Well I feel like a big baby for complaining for two weeks about not having my husband around. He comes home tomorrow but I feel like he has been gone forever. It already breaks my heart knowing how many moms and dads leave their children (and spouses) behind for deployments but having this two week introduction made it hurt even worse. Our family is fortunate that the type of role Stephen plays in the military means he is very safe here in the U.S. I can't imagine the fear and sadness moms and dads experience when their spouse is deployed.

Avery did very well the first week but by the middle of the second week she was very clingy and worried I was going to leave like daddy. I feel so bad for the moms and dads who have to deal with this for a full year or longer. When Avery cries for her daddy it just breaks my heart. I am fortunate because he's just a few states away and will be back soon I cannot imagine having him away to Afghanistan! Ugh.

This small taste of military life was a big eye-opener for me. I hope everyone who knows a military family takes an extra minute to check in on them. Little kids seem like they are unaffected but they really are...sometimes in very small ways. Mom or dad may be staying up late nights comforting the babes. They may hear a plane like little Avery and run home thinking they will see daddy. Such disappointment! These little things add up and surely make the time apart that much more difficult.

Much love and prayers to all who have moms or dads deployed!!!

Itty Bitty No More

Avery in March of 2009 and there she is at the end of February 2010.

Man I just had one of the most reflective weekends!!! I know what spurred it and am thankful. More on that later...but right now I have to tell you about our basement.

With spring coming around the corner we decided to sort the basement a bit. I had been throwing maternity, post-pregnancy, "fat" clothes and any infant/baby thing Avery was no longer using, down the stairs into the basement. We decided to put everything into tubs and label them.

Well- the emotional effort that goes into sorting your first child's clothing is intense. We had a bin for neutral/boy clothes and baby girl clothes. Touching Avery's first shirt she wore in the hospital, the beanie they put on her and then the outfit she went home in was so hard. Before doing this I don't think I could have described a single onesie that she used to wear. Holding each one up and folding it, I had all kinds of memories about her wearing this cute one and that cute one. Yeah- seriously- she's old enough that I have MEMORIES about her. I know a memory technically develops moments after the event occurs, but I was naive. With only 14-months of life with Avery (not counting the 42 weeks in the womb) I would never have believed her first days in my arms would seem so long ago. But they do! It was so hard for both Stephen and I to put those itty bitty clothes into a bin and realize how fast the time went. We spent so much time waiting for her next milestone that we missed those tiny baby moments, in a way. Obviously we enjoyed her baby moments but the next time I have a baby I wont be looking ahead so much. I want to spend more time in the moment.

Those of you with little babes...pull out some of those tiny baby clothes and give yourself a reality check. While it is so awesome to anticipate your child's next big thing- once it arrives, then what? The previous moment is gone! I'm pulling back the reigns on time. More photos, more journaling and more focusing on the moment. I don't want to put toddler clothes into a box and feel like I didn't get enough time with my one-year-old.

Its About Time

I feel so dumb! I know "time flies" and all that but I spent today in a real funk all about time. I swear a bazillion new projects fall into my lap...literally FALL into my lap all at the same time. I've learned to turn a bunch down over time. I'm a lot less busy than I once was but I'm still TOO busy.

Anyway- I thought I found a few things that would really make a difference in my schedule. Things that would allow me to spend more time with my family. Then I realized I would have to leave my daughter with someone other than myself. This could be a caregiver or it could be her dad. Regardless, I was sad. So sad I cried off and on at just the thought of it. Maybe this is normal but it lead to something else that made me more upset. Our wedding anniversary is coming up soon and we have spent more time apart than together.

This is not how I envisioned life as a family. No matter how many hours Avery is unconsolable, leaving her with someone else still seems unbearable. All I really want is to have my family home together for dinner. Even though Stephen is home in the morning until after lunch it isn't the same as coming home from work for dinner. The morning is a busy time with everyone getting ready for the day. It doesn't leave much time for just being together or even going off to play at the park.

I hope this time issue works itself out but for now I'm going to work on holding onto mine!