Stop the Count Down!

Ugh, 10 days until Stephen leaves for North Carolina. I'm trying hard not to count the days but its impossible. There are so many reasons why I feel anxiety about him leaving. First, handling a newborn with a super busy 23 month-old is really hard when you are sleep-deprived and not quite healed up enough to leave the house. Second, when he was gone for two weeks Avery was not happy by the middle of the second week so I have no idea how she is going to handle this extended absence. Third, how will this affect our marriage? How does it affect the marriage of other military families? It seems so weird to just take a break from being together for a year and expect things to be OK. Fourth, I have a serious case of baby blues and cry about everything and nothing so it makes me feel even more sad and anxious about Stephen leaving. Fifth, the holidays and winter are right around the corner and we already spend those times alone...to not have Stephen here will just make it worse. There are a lot of silly things that upset me-- I don't want to decorate for Christmas because I think it will just make my life more difficult keeping Avery out of things-- but I also don't want to skip decorating when she's finally old enough to maybe like it. PLUS we have relisted our house for sale and I just think the decorations will make it cluttered-- especially the tree!

Speaking of the house-- we dropped the price $44,000...SERIOUSLY! If someone doesn't buy it for this price then its never going to sell. Even though the market has pretty much tanked around here, the house is still valued at $218,000 so selling it for $174,900 is a steal. Know anyone? :)

Before Ainsley was born I was pretty sure I could make it being alone but right now...I'm certain I can't. Maybe things will change when I'm not in pain and when I don't almost faint every time I stand up due to some deficiency, including iron, from all the blood lost during Ainsley's birth. I don't know how other people do it. I hope I can look back in a year and feel good about surviving... for now I have a lot of guilt because I have resorted to letting Avery watch TV in the morning for 1.5 hours while I eat and shower and try to clean up a little bit.

Counting Down the Days...

Obviously I'm counting down the days until this pregnancy ends which also happens to be the same day I get to meet this other munchkin. Not so obvious, I just realized that I have 98 days left to spend with my first born. Ugh, why does this break my heart?

It really truly makes me sad to think about sharing my time with Avery and this new baby. I know everyone does it and kids all turn out fine after having their role of only child taken away. I just hope she is the type of toddler who doesn't feel hurt or left out by the new addition. That will make it easier on her and of course me.

To keep myself from being too sad about this I just try to focus on the excitement I know she will have when playing with her new sibling. I'm trying to make sure we squeeze in all kinds of important moments in the time we have left. It wasn't sad for me to "give up" my life of being childless but for some reason it is really hard to give up being a mom to just one kid. Strange eh?

There are so many differences too! I am more apprehensive about the baby than I was with Avery. Once I got over the shock of actually being pregnant (with Avery) despite believing I could never have a baby, I was completely excited. I even showed up at the hospital for my induction without any fear. I don't know what I was thinking then but I sure wish I could think the same way now. Seriously, I showed up for a procedure that went so terribly wrong but I was smiling the whole time (until we prepped for surgery of course). I don't know, maybe it was my horrible birth experience that makes me more fearful of the labor and delivery this time. I just wish I didn't have this giant bump in the way while I spend the last 98 days with little Avery. It sure does inhibit a lot of the fun things we could be doing. I mean, I can hardly get down to give her a bath (here I am crying about that as I type it). Yep, those days are coming to an end.

Hopefully I don't sound crazy and other moms can relate to feeling this sadness over becoming a mom to two. Wait, did I just say it was sad to have a second baby? Now that sounds crazy!

Brainless

I know there really is evidence that pregnant women have memory and brain functioning issues, but man, I think it is worse this time than last. During my first pregnancy I could tell you how far along I was right down to the actual week and day. Now, I think I'm somewhere between 15 and 20 weeks?? It is June 5th but I thought last month was June...and keep calling it July. I guess I missed the fireworks already??

While I'm getting dumber, Avery is getting smarter. Thankfully! Someone in this house has to keep their brain. Every day we are amazed at her little tiny voice and all that she says with it. When she hears music she sings with it but she replaces the words with "Happy Birthday". I just love it when she does that, it is too funny. She puts strings of words together too! Tonight as the sun was setting she said, "oh no, bright sun" as the sun shined in her eyes. Too cute. Her new thing is to do this really awful dance when she hears a good song too. It is adorable, but I hope she gets better with age. Right now her form looks like she's tapping one foot while flapping her arms around and bouncing her hip all at once. Oh, and she shakes her hair with the beat too! What a geek.

Are You In there?

Can you believe it? I'm wishing for morning sickness? Seriously! I am! Why? Well, because I have a silly theory that if this pregnancy is just like the last then I WILL have another girl. I cannot find my early pregnancy journal so I am unsure as to when I first had morning sickness, but I remember it being terrible. It was, of course, only 24 months ago.

I know in the first trimester of the first pregnancy I was pretty nauseated and super sleepy. I'm definitely tired and I had some nausea during the weekend of implantation. I know it was implantation because I had all the other symptoms, plus a fever, chills, aches and vomiting. So yeah...that is how I knew I was pregnant.

I've read that the second pregnancy is more relaxing since the mom already knows how to deal. Well, I'd have to agree with that. I know my mind is not 100% consumed by pregnancy thoughts (yet). I actually am not really sure a baby is in there (well an embryo at this point). I definitely can't button my skinny jeans but other than that- I have a symptomless second pregnancy.

Come on heartburn! I want a girl!

Itty Bitty No More

Avery in March of 2009 and there she is at the end of February 2010.

Man I just had one of the most reflective weekends!!! I know what spurred it and am thankful. More on that later...but right now I have to tell you about our basement.

With spring coming around the corner we decided to sort the basement a bit. I had been throwing maternity, post-pregnancy, "fat" clothes and any infant/baby thing Avery was no longer using, down the stairs into the basement. We decided to put everything into tubs and label them.

Well- the emotional effort that goes into sorting your first child's clothing is intense. We had a bin for neutral/boy clothes and baby girl clothes. Touching Avery's first shirt she wore in the hospital, the beanie they put on her and then the outfit she went home in was so hard. Before doing this I don't think I could have described a single onesie that she used to wear. Holding each one up and folding it, I had all kinds of memories about her wearing this cute one and that cute one. Yeah- seriously- she's old enough that I have MEMORIES about her. I know a memory technically develops moments after the event occurs, but I was naive. With only 14-months of life with Avery (not counting the 42 weeks in the womb) I would never have believed her first days in my arms would seem so long ago. But they do! It was so hard for both Stephen and I to put those itty bitty clothes into a bin and realize how fast the time went. We spent so much time waiting for her next milestone that we missed those tiny baby moments, in a way. Obviously we enjoyed her baby moments but the next time I have a baby I wont be looking ahead so much. I want to spend more time in the moment.

Those of you with little babes...pull out some of those tiny baby clothes and give yourself a reality check. While it is so awesome to anticipate your child's next big thing- once it arrives, then what? The previous moment is gone! I'm pulling back the reigns on time. More photos, more journaling and more focusing on the moment. I don't want to put toddler clothes into a box and feel like I didn't get enough time with my one-year-old.