I'm way over the half-way mark now.. so my thoughts about getting through this pregnancy are no longer about what I can eat that wont make me throw up but instead...how am I going to get this baby out and how badly will it hurt? Ha! I read at least one birth story per day, kind of like an affirmation. I must say that it has served me well. The closer I get to having this baby the more I realize how wounded I am from my first delivery...can I even call it a delivery? I didn't deliver my baby, a team of people in pale blue masks and green scrubs did. How sad is that? The more I think about it all the more angry I get. I carried a baby for 41 weeks and 1 day. I deserved to deliver my own baby and to hold her first-- before anyone else!
So many people consider a c-section a routine part of life. Just something that happens...and they move on. For some c-section moms it really is no big deal. For others, it causes wounds that are far greater than a 6 inch scar across the uterus. In order for me to face my future labor I have to get beyond my previous birth experience. I can still recall every second of my hospital stay and I remember exactly what is feels like and sounds like to be prepped for a c-section, to have the staples removed and to try and hold a newborn after being drugged so heavily. The first time I saw my baby I could hardly make her out. My vision was so blurry and I couldn't stop shaking. I remember the next time they tried to bring her to me I refused her. I felt so awful I didn't even want to hold my baby! Looking at her now I can't even imagine waiting 4 hours to touch her for the first time. What was I thinking? I try not to be mad at myself for refusing to hold her. I know she wont hold it against me and no one else will either. I just feel sick thinking that this is how I met my first child.
It all went wrong. I've spent the past 27 weeks doing everything I can to keep it from going wrong again. I am not entirely in control of how things will go but I definitely wont be receptive to any scare tactics this time. My experience has lead me to a new path in life and plans for a new career in the future. Every mother deserves the birth she wants. Most of us first-timers think it just comes naturally. It really doesn't. I mean, if we lived in nature and didn't rely heavily on the medical system-- then yes, every woman would probably have a great birth experience (Except for that small number of women who really may need a c-section). Instead, we follow all these routine practices of care or standard operating procedures as if my body is just like the previous pregnant body. We're all different but the medical system tries to make us the same.
In the grieving process of getting over my c-section, I'm a anger and bargaining but I'm nearing the depression stage-- the part where I will spend time reflecting and feeling as if no one understands why this is still bothering me. Lets hope I'm through the 7th stage by the time I enter into labor.
For anyone else preparing for a VBAC or trying to understand why c-sections are a big deal, head over to www.WillWorkforVBAC.com.
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