Phase II-Title Deed Ceremony

Well Phase II of Christ Life is finally over. I say finally not because I'm tired of it but the 3 hour time commitment every week was kind of annoying. I was so busy today that I didn't have time to think about what I would contribute to the ceremony. So I arrived hoping to be inspired.

Describing Christ Life to anyone that hasn't been through it is a bad idea. So let me just say this- I arrived scattered brained but when I left I felt strangely calm but drained. Part of these feelings can be attributed to the days tasks but the rest I think was the ceremony.

Tonight we were to write down the issues we struggle with from Phase I and Phase II and nail them to a cross (meaning we give them to God to work through). Once we finished explaining to our peers what our issues were we then took them down and burned them outside. This sounded really crazy and pointless to me prior to actually doing it.

I sat with my pen in hand and didn't know what to write. Even after 26 weeks of working on this I had no clue what to put down. I think this was me being stubborn. It was my head speaking for me instead of my heart. So I just wrote down GUILT and traced it over and over. Then stuff started coming to me. My biggest issue that I can't resolve on my own is GUILT...Guilt for things I shouldn't even feel guilt for. When I stood up to explain my issues I said I was putting the guilt I feel for keeping my mom out of my life and Avery's life on the cross, and that I was wiping the slate clean with my dad since he is making a minimal effort to be a part of Avery's life... and something came up that I hadn't really felt like was bothering me... just attempting to say it aloud made me shake and feel weak. I've felt guilt for the way my brother was raised...by me. I know I've admitted this to myself before but tonight I threw it out there to let it go. My brother turned out just fine. It was never my responsibility to take care of us and especially not to take care of him. I should never have had to do it. I should never have had to feel the guilt of him struggling through life because he didn't have a strong role model to guide him. He's doing great now and it wasn't ME who got him where he is. He did it on HIS OWN! He turned out ok. His struggles were tough and can be attributed to the way I parented him/lack of parenting but it is ok-I am not going to feel guilty anymore- I don't need to feel that guilt! I did the best I could.

Now that this Phase has ended I'm ready to move forward...which I have already started to do. Phase III will be hard as it will require discipleship like I've never known before. I'm ready to serve others though so bring it on!