Married Single Parent

I'm so frustrated right now. I've been trying really hard to just let things be but I'm so ready to freak out. Stephen's job is consuming all of his time. He leaves the house around 4:15am and gets home anywhere from 5:30pm to 7:00pm. When he gets home he is so tired he falls asleep within 30-45 minutes. Avery is always hungry at this time so I'm busy feeding her and trying to throw dinner on the table. He eats and then falls asleep while I am putting Avery to bed and then I eat dinner.

Tonight he got home and turned on the t.v. He started to talk to me but then got distracted by the show. I asked a couple of times if he would finish what he was saying but I got no response. When the commercial came on I asked again but he forgot what he was saying. Avery screamed for 3 hours after dinner for no reason at all. She finally fell asleep but it was too late- Stephen was also asleep. He had mentioned going in to work tomorrow..it will be Saturday. We made plans to go to the mall so Avery could see the Easter Bunny and then go to lunch. Two of my friends (one of which has not met Avery yet) have finally settled on time to hang out. I feel torn. I have not spent any time with Stephen for weeks so I don't feel like I should go out with them for a couple of hours. At the same time, he wants to go in to work anyway so if I don't go with them he will just work longer. If I do go with them he will be home with Avery for a while but then will either go to work or fall asleep from going in to work really early.

I just hate it. I know he wants to be a big part of raising Avery but he is too tired. Money isn't worth this. I don't care if someone comes and takes our cars and our house...I really seriously don't care. What is the point of having a baby and wife you hardly see or spend time with? I feel like I'm a married single parent.

When he first started the job I complained about him working too much. They had him travel out of state for 4 weeks straight. Luckily my brother was home on leave or else I would have gone crazy spending 4 weeks alone with a 4 week old. Stephen said I made him feel bad by complaining so I stopped. I try really dang hard to just say, "oh, ok" whenever he tells me he is working late (every single night). There is no point to complain to him as it wont change. I just don't know what to do. His schedule says 5am-3:30pm and no one is telling him to get in to work and stay this late. He just takes it upon himself as he doesn't think he is getting enough done in his normal day. The more hours he works the less his pay per hour is...so at this point he could be working just about anywhere with less responsibility making the same amount per hour as he is right now. That is stupid!

I thought venting would make me feel better but it doesn't. I'm so sick of going to bed alone while he sleeps all crippled over on the couch where he fell asleep in the middle of whatever he was doing. I feel sorry for him as I know he is so tired but he is doing it to himself at this point. I don't understand how he cares to be around for Avery so much yet he wont stop working extra hours so he can actually see her.

If I don't get a break from her sometime soon or at least spend some time with my husband I don't know what is going to happen to my mental state. I love taking care of her and I want to stay home with her but I need a break once in a while. Even if it is just so I can go for a walk alone. Anything at all.

She's not so tiny anymore!

Avery wasn't really tiny to begin with...at least not compared to most babies. :) She is growing so fast. It's crazy that something can change and grow right under your nose and unless you think about the past you can't tell. What I mean is- if you don't purposely think about two weeks ago then you wont realize how much your little one has changed. I am so torn between being sad that she is growing out of the "tiny" baby stage so fast and wanting to see her walk and hear her laugh. She's so alert an interested in the world around her. Sometimes when I see that she is mesmerized I find myself mesmerized by the same thing because I am trying to understand what might be going through her little mind. Life seems so much better through her eyes. :)

When visiting friends this weekend we finally had the courage to take her to church. We've been a combination of apprehensive and too deliriously tired to make it. I'm glad we finally took her. Before she was born she would kick like crazy during the entire service and especially during the music. She loved listening to the music and "sang" along by cooing to the female vocalists. It was good. Life is pretty good right now- especially in Avery's eyes!

2008...what a year

I waited for my emotions to calm down before writing this but I've had a lot on my mind. 

First- many people tell you that the minute you actually have a baby you change. This seemed unbelievable to me but I now know that it is true. Literally, moments after taking care of my daughter for the first time I felt entirely different about a ton of things. The way I thought I would take care of her, raise her and who I would allow to be a part of her life prior to her actual birth are completely different from what I have in my mind now. I think part of that is instincts and another part of that is the strange happiness that overwhelms you. Ugh..its tough for me to say things like that but after spending my first day with Avery I had a change of heart about a few things. One of them was whether to let my mom meet Avery or not. For months prior to her birth I had made some black and white resolutions about my parents. Within a few hours of her birth I had changed my mind. For my mother this was a good thing...I decided that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to allow Avery to know her grandmother...under strict guidelines and supervision of course! I realized that my mom wasn't going to actually hurt Avery. Instead, the real problem would be making sure that she showed me respect in front of my daughter...or else she would no longer be allowed in Avery's life. We haven't had this conversation yet but it is coming. 

For my dad things have changed in a negative manner. I wanted so badly to have a normal relationship with him and to drive the 1 hr and 15 minutes to his house so Avery could hang out with her grandpa and grandma and uncle...but his response (or lack of) during my entire pregnancy (and life for that matter) confused me so much more now than ever before. When I felt the way I did when I met Avery I was hit in the chest so hard I couldn't control my feelings. I know Stephen felt the same way. Instantly my mind went to my dad...how could he have avoided the feelings that I was feeling for Avery..the day that I was born? I was his first kid. He went on to have another kid with my mom so he must not have been too unhappy YET. If he did feel that strong feeling...how did it go away? If he didn't feel it...why did he have more kids? Anyway- there is nothing that would keep me from Avery no matter what life brings. So I just don't see how my dad can stay out of my life the way that he does. I've sent him a letter explaining some things but I'm done making any effort to include him in my life and in Avery's. 

On a more positive note...2008 was probably THE most messed up year of my life. Everything that could go wrong did....and yet the "wrong" was perfectly right. I somehow managed to quit everything I was doing at the start of the year and start doing things I never dreamed I would do. At this very moment I have no clue how life lead me to this point...and so quickly. I know there is no way I had anything to do with it. To get from where I was on 1/1/2008 to where I am now would seem impossible. I mean- how do you get from living with an ex, going to school, working a job that eats up your life to being married, having a baby, working from home and being happier than you could ever imagine? I think that is what surprises me the most. I've been working so hard for so long to achieve this happiness....and all I really had to do was stop trying so hard. In fact, I had to make choices that were not the most responsible and well-thought out in order to arrive where I am right now. 

Hmm...  so much changed for me in 2008. I think 2009 will be the first year that I actually  live my life...

Good people never realize they are good huh?

So I've been frustrated for a while now about this "issue" my husband is struggling with. Nearly every week he gets into a really bad mood by Thursday/Friday. He is really struggling with the transition to being in Iowa. I feel awful for him. He basically can't stand the fact that he went from having a great paying job with a lot of responsibilities to being a "helper" here in Iowa. No matter how much I tell him its temporary or remind him that NO ONE gives up what he gave up in order to take care of his future child. I mean seriously- his former employer didn't even believe him when he told them he was leaving his job for NO JOB just to make sure that I had someone nearby to take care of me as our due date got nearer. People don't do that...so why does he feel like he didn't work hard enough? 

It makes me feel so bad because I can't say or do anything to make him feel better. I wish he would realize what a great person he is for giving up all that he has but it isn't enough for him...he wants to do MORE for his family. I don't know what more he could do! 

Anyway- I know that his situation is temporary and eventually he will either get a job he likes or start grad school but in the meantime I wish he could find happiness in this crazy situation that we are in at the moment. He doesn't deserve to be unhappy right now! 

Its official...

I am having a baby..soon. LOL! 

I've been feeling really sick the past week or so- like the flu but not really..just the aches and pains and tiredness. Today we confirmed that Avery has dropped and according to our midwife..her head is "wayyyy down there". There's been a few other pre-pre-labor symptoms too so I'm not able to leave town. Yay..sort of. 

We toured the maternity ward last night so that Stephen would know how to get around. I started getting sweaty palms and almost cried...I guess you could say I started to get scared. 

Anyway, the midwife said I'm doing what I need to be doing to have the baby very soon. 

Time Flies!

Man- I cannot believe it is November 13th already! This past year has FLOWN by. There are times when I really appreciate the time flying but then there are times when it scares me. I don't feel old or anything but I just don't want time to continually "speed up" as I get older. I have so many things that I want to get done but I can't seem to find the time. I know we all feel like that all the time. Its just aggravating as I work from home and you would think I would have more time to do all that stuff...but sadly, I don't. 

There just always seems to be something that interrupts my "to do list". For instance, yesterday I had planned on only doing one thing after I finished my work for the day but I got interrupted with 2 light bulbs burning out, running out of milk and needing to get more Tums. So that seems like it would just take 20 minutes but it ended up taking 3 hours.  Why? Well- because I can't just go to the store. I have to pick up everything that I had on my list from previous "to do lists" and  I always have to shop the clearance stuff..because "I'm already there". Anyway- having an endless list of "to do's" is probably a good sign that you are making the most of your time but I just wonder what else I could be doing if I didn't task myself with so much piddly junk. 

Whatever happened to loyalty?

First of all, check out my cute little Frenchie Brock in his kimono! 

I have been taking care of this little pup all by myself for about 19 weeks now. (He was 8 weeks when I got him). I spoil the heck out of him. He has his own MATCHING basket in the living room for all of his toys, he has a dresser drawer of clothes and extra chew treats, he has several different shirts and sweaters, he has 4 beds and gets to go for 3 walks a day. I am his sole provider, spoiler and companion. This is all true until my husband comes home for the weekend. All he does is rough house with him and take him for his walks...and sometimes remembers to feed him. WHY oh WHY does my little dog like him so much better than me? 

See the second picture- that is Brock in MY bed...sleeping on MY pregnancy pillow. Only my husband would let him sleep there. 

Anyway- the point of the loyalty thing is this...recently we have been trusting Brock to sleep in one of his (4) beds next to our bed. Normally he goes in his kennel because he is only 27 weeks old and you just never know! It worked out fine this weekend. His bed was on my husband's side of the bed so he could check on him throughout the night. Brock never moved until about 7:30am. 

Well my husband went home for the week and I moved Brock's bed to my side so I could watch him. 

What did he do last night? He DRUG his bed all the way over to Stephen's side and got in it and started snoring. What gives? 

I thought dog's were the best LOYAL companion in the world. Whatever...maybe I should forget to feed him once in a while to see if he realizes how much he needs me!?!?! 

Just kidding...I could never do that...I'm too good at spoiling him even though he doesn't spoil me back.