Tuesday

I keep thinking it is Wednesday but it is only Tuesday! Last night was slightly better. Avery was pretty hostile towards Ainsley when she started her crying. Both Ainsley and I were hit with toys so Avery was put in her crib for a "time out". It took several hours to get Ainsley to sleep but From 11pm until 5:30am she slept! I slept most of that time-- around 4am I started worrying about her but she finally ate and was wide awake for a while. I hope this is our new schedule. I was able to take a shower while she sat in her bouncy chair..ate my breakfast while holding her and even hung out with her for a bit before she fussed to go to sleep again. She was asleep by 7am and woke again at 10:30am. Nice!

My current week-to-date task schedule looks like this now:

Sunday: Church, prepare for the open house (which means I'll catch up on any cleaning I wasn't able to do during the week) and rest!

Monday: Craft day and scrub bathrooms.

Tuesday: Clean bedrooms, wash bedding and catch up on laundry (I basically do a load of diapers per day and a load of wet nursing clothes plus baby clothes=2 loads per day).

I had planned *again* to leave the house but it probably wont happen. So far the house is actually clean. I could stand to dust a little bit but I will save that for Sunday. I've showered every day and Avy has had her bath every day (except today so far). Ainsley needs a bath so I think the next awake period she has I better tackle that. UGH!

This roller coaster ride is quite interesting. I just wish I could see people more often and that Avery would get to interact with kids more often...maybe in the future. This awful winter season has already kept people home sick from playdates!

Ahhhhhhh!

Last night was awful! It is really depressing to walk into the bedroom and see the bed made, lamps on and remember that you'll be sleeping alone tonight...and every night for a long time. I guess I can say I was lucky that I didn't spend too much time in bed. Avery absolutely didn't want to go to bed. She was behaving strangely. She ended up getting naked and asking to use the potty four times. The fifth time she didn't potty in the potty chair-- so I thought it was a game. I quit getting her out...big mistake. She peed twice in the bed after getting naked. Keep in mind here-- I'm putting her clothes back on every single time. The sixth time (at midnight) I finally left her naked in her crib. I realized she may pee or poo in her bed and have to sleep in it but I felt like this game could have gone on all night. I tried everything-- snap diapers, difficult to remove clothes and almost used a safety pin to keep a zipper from going down but I was afraid she'd figure out how to open it and hurt herself. While this fiasco was going on from 7:30pm until midnight-- Ainsley was crying. I would tend to her-- go re-dress Avery and change the bedding..back and forth back and forth. At 2am Ainsley finally went to sleep...woke at 4 and went back to sleep at 6..but Avery woke up at 6. This was exhausting and I cried almost the entire time. I felt terrible for Avery because she kept saying "remember Daddy" as if he had been gone a long time.

Anyway-- today wasn't much better but whatever. Every day is going to be the same-- stressful and tiring. I tried to determine what I would do on Mondays-- I was going to scrub the bathrooms but I'm so tired I don't care. Maybe next Monday I'll clean the bathrooms. I did manage to create a craft for Avery. I printed Santa coloring pages. I let her color one. Maybe tomorrow we'll glue on cotton balls for his beard. I figured she'd enjoy dipping the ball into glue and sticking it on his beard. She is coloring inside the lines these days so I thought this would be a step up.

Stephen is about to arrive on base in North Carolina in the next hour. When he sent me that message I felt like this situation was "for real"...as if it wasn't real last night..or maybe he would turn around and come home. Ugh.

First Day: Sunday!

Well there was no chance we'd be making it to church this morning so that goes on my "to accomplish" list next week. I'm making this mental "to accomplish" list to keep myself from being overwhelmed. It seems that after I complete one of these accomplishments I feel like I can make it a regular part of my routine. Take the grocery trip yesterday for example, I feel pretty confident that I could take both kids out today to get the eggs we forgot. However, I have yet to fit in a shower so I'm putting the store off until tomorrow.

Stephen left at 8 this morning. He was very sad to say goodbye to his little girl. I mean, he was sad to leave all of us but he and Avery have a very special bond. He told her he was going to North Carolina for a while and she seemed OK. She did tell him not to go a few times but he distracted her with Toy Story.

On Sundays we have open houses from 1-4pm. Stephen kind of destroyed the house packing. It seems everything he left was in a pile in some corner of every room. UGH! First, the batteries died in the swing-- which is the only place Ainsley will sleep if I set her down. Second, I had 3 D batteries and the machine takes 4. Third, Avery wanted to eat in the living room. I normally don't let her eat much in the living room but she was starving and Ainsley was too. So...a bowl of Goldfish, sunflower seeds, bananas, strawberries and cheese was delivered. I know that is a weird breakfast but she didn't want eggs, oatmeal, cereal, toast or pancakes-- and yes-- I offered her them ALL! This is one battle I am giving up right here and now. When Avery is hungry-- she is uncooperative and actually pretty mean. I can either be strict and tell her she has to eat what is in front of her or go hungry (and deal with cranky pants) or I can let her eat what she likes (within reason). I'm thinking for now-- I'm going to keep giving her the "buffet" tray of things to eat. Anyway-- 25% of the bowl ended up smashed into the carpet (Open house day remember!).

Long story short-- I left the living room alone because she was destroying it and quickly cleaned up everywhere else. This was a LONG process. I had to stop and feed both kids twice during these 5 hours...change 6 diapers and 2 sets of clothes. Now both kids are napping and the house is clean except none of the floors are vaccummed (remember the Goldfish, sunflower seeds, bananas, strawberries and cheese?). I feel like I can cross preparing for the open house off my "to accomplish" list. I managed it and while I wouldn't lick my bathroom countertops-- they are mostly clean. We just scrubbed them last week... so they aren't that bad.

On to another topic-- I've decided what Sundays will include: Church, cleaning the house up for the open house and that is all. Sunday is to be a day of rest anyway so I'm going to enforce that in my home going forward. I feel like I should be doing 1,000 things but I'm not going to do anything but fulfill the girls' basic needs and hopefully my own! (Remember, I haven't showered yet today!). Now...if only I could shower while they were napping during the open house...but that could be a little awkward.

Eve of Departure

Today Stephen basically acted as if he wasn't really here when it came to handling both kids. I'm not sure if this was entirely intentional (to help me get used to it) or if he was just busy preparing to leave. Regardless, it was complete insanity. Last night, Avery refused to sleep. She crashed for 45 minutes at 7:30am but she was literally up 24 hours...and refused a nap later. We all went grocery shopping at three stores to stock up so I wouldn't have to take the girls out alone for a few more weeks. INSANE! This is where Stephen really let me handle things. If it were freezing cold right now-- Avy would have been turned into an ice cube sitting in the cart while I tried to get Ainsley out. I tried the car seat in the cart-- annoying because not all carts are big enough. I also tried carrying her in my ErgoBaby carrier but getting her into that quickly and then getting Avery is not quick at all! Anyway, it was rough.

My little one day experiment made me realize just how crazy hard it is to be a parent. I've had rough moments with Avery (prior to Ainsley) but I never really thought I would explode or possibly go insane. I definitely feel crazy now. I feel like the time I spend with each girl is just to fulfill their basic needs. Rarely do I get to interact with either of them in a way that is promoting their development or even nurturing. I'm simply providing for them...clothes, food, clean diapers, baths. That is about it. I really hope that in the coming days (not weeks or months!) I am able to spend quality time with these kids...and I'd love to have 15 minutes to myself. When I shower these days- I have one screaming newborn in a bouncy seat and a curious toddler whipping open the shower curtain spraying water everywhere.

Making the Best of It

I'm mostly OCD but having a toddler (and now a newborn) makes it hard to fulfill my obsessions..especially the ones that focus on being clean! So in order to cope with my husband's departure I have come up with a crazy plan to really organize our house from top to bottom. It isn't in that bad of shape but I feel like I have a lot of clothes that I will never wear, junk that we don't use and there are some things we need around the house--like couch pillows and a second set of sheets! All these things we just put off. So beginning Monday after Stephen leaves I will create a plan to attack this organization stuff. In addition to putting myself back on a cleaning schedule I'm going to have a project that I work on until it is complete. Normally my OCD self would put a deadline on when it would be done but with two kiddos I think I'd be happier just saying the task has to be complete before the next is started!

My first task is going to be a fun one-- I'm going to print and organize all of our photos from 2008 to present. I have a scrap booking addiction that I am very behind on. So I'm going to print photos, put them in a box with a label of the month and year...and task two will be to scrap book through 2009. I think it is OK to be a year behind but 2 years is insane!

To save myself from getting overwhelmed I'm not going to make a list of major projects. I'm going to work on one and then decide the next. This is very difficult for my OCD self to handle but I think it is the smartest way to handle things.

On another note... an ongoing task I have is to get back in shape! I've been pregnant or breastfeeding since March of 2008 and it shows! Even though I got back to my pre-pregnancy weight before getting pregnant again-- I was not muscular as I used to be. We have a membership at the YMCA so I better start using it!

Let's hope my OCD behavior can keep me sane. Stephen leaves in two days and I'm totally not ready.

Panic!

Yes, I have known for months that my husband would be leaving us soon but so far this week I have felt serious panic. I walk around feeling like I have something very urgent to do..but really it is just the gnawing reminder that we only have 5 more days together. His orders have been all messed up for months too and today didn't make them any better-- his mobilization date was moved UP to the 28th instead of the 29th. You would have thought they said today by the way it impacted me. I know I'm still battling the baby blues but when I heard he would be leaving Sunday instead of Monday I totally lost it.

The plan is for him to come home for Christmas but with the weather and flying I am not confident he will make it. He would have to fly in to Kansas City or Omaha and then we'd have to pick him up-- obviously if the weather is even remotely bad I wont be taking the two kids to pick him up. Avery's 2nd birthday is the 22nd of Dec too and he'll miss that. UGH!

I don't know how men do it, but they are so capable of separating from their family and not crying. Why do women have to have that emotional response? And why does it have to be so strong? It would be really nice if I felt sad but could function normally despite that feeling. Maybe in a few months when I get some sleep I wont be so sad and cry so much but for now... I'm going to play the "life isn't fair" card. Life could be worse...he could be going to Afghanistan or somewhere else that he can't visit/we can't visit but still...

Stop the Count Down!

Ugh, 10 days until Stephen leaves for North Carolina. I'm trying hard not to count the days but its impossible. There are so many reasons why I feel anxiety about him leaving. First, handling a newborn with a super busy 23 month-old is really hard when you are sleep-deprived and not quite healed up enough to leave the house. Second, when he was gone for two weeks Avery was not happy by the middle of the second week so I have no idea how she is going to handle this extended absence. Third, how will this affect our marriage? How does it affect the marriage of other military families? It seems so weird to just take a break from being together for a year and expect things to be OK. Fourth, I have a serious case of baby blues and cry about everything and nothing so it makes me feel even more sad and anxious about Stephen leaving. Fifth, the holidays and winter are right around the corner and we already spend those times alone...to not have Stephen here will just make it worse. There are a lot of silly things that upset me-- I don't want to decorate for Christmas because I think it will just make my life more difficult keeping Avery out of things-- but I also don't want to skip decorating when she's finally old enough to maybe like it. PLUS we have relisted our house for sale and I just think the decorations will make it cluttered-- especially the tree!

Speaking of the house-- we dropped the price $44,000...SERIOUSLY! If someone doesn't buy it for this price then its never going to sell. Even though the market has pretty much tanked around here, the house is still valued at $218,000 so selling it for $174,900 is a steal. Know anyone? :)

Before Ainsley was born I was pretty sure I could make it being alone but right now...I'm certain I can't. Maybe things will change when I'm not in pain and when I don't almost faint every time I stand up due to some deficiency, including iron, from all the blood lost during Ainsley's birth. I don't know how other people do it. I hope I can look back in a year and feel good about surviving... for now I have a lot of guilt because I have resorted to letting Avery watch TV in the morning for 1.5 hours while I eat and shower and try to clean up a little bit.