Crying Out Loud!

Oh man I am throwing in the towel! I've asked dozens- and I really mean dozens of mom's what they do to get their kid to sleep. I get an entirely different answer from each one. My poor girl used to do the same thing every night- sigh, yawn, look off into wonderland...I'd put her binky in and drop her in the crib. Within 5-10 minutes she was out for 9-12 hours.

Now...I spend no less than 3 hours per night listening to her cry. I find myself sitting at the bottom of the stairs or outside her room crying right along with her. I don't know what to do! I pick her up and she falls asleep right away so I know her needs are met. I put her back in the crib. She will either cry right then or sleep for 5 minutes and then wake. Well I have been trying to let her "cry it out". I let her go for 2 hours and 35 minutes tonight and she starting choking on whatever she started spitting up from crying. I felt soooooo horrible.

So this last time that I picked her up she clung to me as if she was fearing for her life. Then when I started talking to her- telling her she really needed to go to sleep- she started laughing at me. I just broke down. WHY!?!?!? This is just insane. I feel crazy. I go from laughing at her and thinking she is cute to crying. Am I letting her down? Why wont she sleep- what does she need from me?

The past 3 weeks have been so unproductive. I have so much to do and no time to do it because of my little munchkin. I love her to death but the crying is killing me!

Reading Between the Lines of Baby Talk

I've read plenty of research that says the first year of parenthood is extremely hard on a marriage. So far at nearly 6 months through I would have to say that we are doing just fine. We haven't had any "fights" or weird arguments so far. However, we do speak to each other through baby talk!

This sounds funny but I'm sure everyone has noticed it before. Instead of telling Stephen I am annoyed that I had to get out of bed and take care of Avery when it is his turn I will say to her, "I guess Daddy didn't want to help you this time so I will". Other comments have been, "I know you are starving but mommy doesn't think so", "Tell Daddy to pick his dirty shoes up so you can have room to play".

Anyway- instead of actually speaking negative things to each other we have put our complaints "between the lines" of baby talk to our daughter. Maybe that isn't any healthier than just arguing, but for now it works.

Phase II-Title Deed Ceremony

Well Phase II of Christ Life is finally over. I say finally not because I'm tired of it but the 3 hour time commitment every week was kind of annoying. I was so busy today that I didn't have time to think about what I would contribute to the ceremony. So I arrived hoping to be inspired.

Describing Christ Life to anyone that hasn't been through it is a bad idea. So let me just say this- I arrived scattered brained but when I left I felt strangely calm but drained. Part of these feelings can be attributed to the days tasks but the rest I think was the ceremony.

Tonight we were to write down the issues we struggle with from Phase I and Phase II and nail them to a cross (meaning we give them to God to work through). Once we finished explaining to our peers what our issues were we then took them down and burned them outside. This sounded really crazy and pointless to me prior to actually doing it.

I sat with my pen in hand and didn't know what to write. Even after 26 weeks of working on this I had no clue what to put down. I think this was me being stubborn. It was my head speaking for me instead of my heart. So I just wrote down GUILT and traced it over and over. Then stuff started coming to me. My biggest issue that I can't resolve on my own is GUILT...Guilt for things I shouldn't even feel guilt for. When I stood up to explain my issues I said I was putting the guilt I feel for keeping my mom out of my life and Avery's life on the cross, and that I was wiping the slate clean with my dad since he is making a minimal effort to be a part of Avery's life... and something came up that I hadn't really felt like was bothering me... just attempting to say it aloud made me shake and feel weak. I've felt guilt for the way my brother was raised...by me. I know I've admitted this to myself before but tonight I threw it out there to let it go. My brother turned out just fine. It was never my responsibility to take care of us and especially not to take care of him. I should never have had to do it. I should never have had to feel the guilt of him struggling through life because he didn't have a strong role model to guide him. He's doing great now and it wasn't ME who got him where he is. He did it on HIS OWN! He turned out ok. His struggles were tough and can be attributed to the way I parented him/lack of parenting but it is ok-I am not going to feel guilty anymore- I don't need to feel that guilt! I did the best I could.

Now that this Phase has ended I'm ready to move forward...which I have already started to do. Phase III will be hard as it will require discipleship like I've never known before. I'm ready to serve others though so bring it on!

Come Back to Love by Rachel Scott

I want to give you reason to love, an example to pursue. Your dad and I are doing our best to love each other and love you. I know there are times, I know there are trials. But we've always come back to love. I want to give you reason to trust, to believe what you can't see. The lesson of my life has been, learning how my God loves me. And though I am weak, and I have often failed, The Lord has always been faithful. Oh my child, the love of my life. It is my heart that I'll always do right, in your eyes. And if I ever let you down, please know my love for you in this song. My baby I want to do for you more than I could ever do. If I could have a prayer for you, please don't walk in my shoes. Just cling to the one, who calls you by name, and remember how much He loves you too. And He says, "You are the love of my life. It is my heart that you'll know why I died with you in mind. And if you think you've let me down, please know, please know, please know my love for you in this song." And always know that you can come back, back to love.

What a fabulous song! I wasn't expecting such a powerful message at the concert tonight. This just brings to mind how much responsibility I have as a parent to ensure that my daughter's Christian journey begins earlier in life than mine- and that she is a stronger Christian earlier in her life than I have ever been.

It is Not about Me!

This blog is about me...but the main focus of our Christ Life discussion tonight was that our life is not about us.

This is probably a hard pill for everyone to swallow- myself especially. I found myself saying in my head- I'm not trying to be selfish- but I do want to live a fun life. I can understand how our lives are being consumed by chasing the dollar and whatever other materialistic/social/professional gains we obsess over...and that is SELFISH. However, what if we are focusing on how to simplify our lives in order to be focused less on ourselves?

I don't know- I get lost in here somewhere. I know the gifts I have- but how do I use them now and what ones do I use? If every day I am only taking care of my daughter, studying the Bible and taking care of our household responsibilities am I making my life about ME and not God? What does it look like to live a soulish life instead of selfish? Our facilitator said that everything we do should bring glory to God. Ok- I can totally appreciate the fact that He deserves it and that we should do this as often as possible- but this makes me feel like getting a latte is selfish. Does it really go all the way down the ecosystem- as in- God made cows-which make milk- and are a part of lattes...so God deserves glory for this- but what does that mean?

Ha ha. I had to get this out of my head. It is just as confusing out as it is in my head. At this point I'm pretty sure my life is more about me than it should be but I don't know any other way to live life. I have no clue what to do if I were to wake up tomorrow and say everything I do will be about God. I do feed a dog, a baby and my husband so I'm taking care of God's creatures.

I'm thinking too hard and feel drained. I thought I was done trying to figure out my "purpose in life" but I guess not.

I think I'm afraid of the dark...

Have you ever watched a scary movie and then been "afraid of the dark" as an adult? You know- where you pull all the blinds and turn on every light...but you really have no reason to be scared?

I've read about the death and resurrection of Jesus MANY times in the Bible but now that I'm actually "studying" as I read I got myself all freaked out. I feel like an idiot saying it (typing) aloud but I'm going to put it out there and hope it goes away now....but yeah... I'm afraid of the dark now. It is completely unreasonable and beyond crazy to be so scared but I literally jump into bed and throw the covers over me because I'm scared. I tried to visualize what it was that was making me feel scared but I can't. Am I worried God is going to show up and scare the pants off me or what? I have no clue. I just know that every time I get done reading my daily assignment I feel like I just watched a scary movie.

The Bible needs a Google search feature

Those of you that know me (or have spent even 10 minutes with me) you know that I'm a know-it-all...the annoying kind too! Well I'm in Phase II of Christ Life (www.christlife.org) and I feel stupid. I really feel like asking the facilitator to dumb it down for me (I apologize if that is an offensive way to phrase things). I've always been a good student and I'm quick to learn new things. However, this part of the Christ Life series is not sinking in. I don't know if it is technique or my own lack of effort.

Bits of what I heard tonight and my response are as follows:

Jesus will come down riding a white charger and we (if we are dead then) will be following. In my mind I just kept saying "Huh uh". So does that mean I don't believe in Jesus and all that has been explained in the scriptures? The whole mental picture that was being painted in class just made me say "no way...not true..I don't buy it!" Then I tuned out for another 10-15 minutes.

Jesus lived the law perfectly and thus because we were baptized in Him then so did we. Wait...what? I'm still sinning today and every day...we all are!! So how does this work? I don't even know the law well enough to know how I sin every day. I'm that far behind!

So Jesus is the second Adam because he did as the first should have.

I get this part. But is this true? Does that even matter or did someone just make the connection and think it was cool? So Jesus was perfect...I get it. The facilitator responded to this whole situation as if she were really moved...I don't feel that way.

Somewhere within the two hour class we were talking about how the Holy Spirit works and how we have to listen and see spiritually to recognize it. I posed the semi-hypothetical situation from my small group: A guy and a girl break up. He sees the girl in places where she normally never goes and sees her there more than one time. He takes it as a sign from God that he is either to talk to her or maybe they are to get back together. So I pose the question- just how is a person to know if that is God's intention or that it is just their own mind willing it to be so? The response I get It is in the Word. So read it and test it. WHAT? How...what page? Where is Google located within the Bible? I understand that we are to be "in the Word" daily etc. However, when faced with a situation that is live and going on at the moment what does one do if they don't know the Bible enough to just pull the right verse out of their brain? I'm not cool enough to have flashcards with themes on them to yank out whenever I need it.

Ugh..I don't know. I don't think I've ever felt so dumb or struggled to understand a topic before. The class's purpose is for us to identify the false things that we believed in the past (i.e. that we are worthless, unlovable etc...whatever our problem may be from growing up). Once we identify those then we are to replace them with truths from the Word. It is just not working for me. I'm spending a lot of time in this class trying to figure stuff out and it isn't adding up.