Giant Yet Invisible

I'm three days away from my original due date and 10 days away from my "hospital" due date. I feel giant. I can't walk around quietly..party because breathing is a chore thanks to hormones but also because I can't "walk softly". I'm honestly not *that* big but of course I'm not normal-sized either. I'm still in my non-pregnancy underwear.. so I feel OK with my weight. Anyway..that isn't the point of my "giant" post today.

I'm half annoyed half sad...and feeling a little bit invisible. Two of my local friends, ones I have known longer than my newer mommy friends, called/texted in the past week and seemed completely oblivious to the fact that I was pregnant. One actually thought I was only half-way through my pregnancy. Now I know being pregnant only seems like a big deal to the person who is actually pregnant but these people haven't talked to me in weeks...actually more like 2 months. I don't expect anyone to know exactly how far along I am but it was obvious when they asked when I was due that they realized it had been a LONG time since we talked. I am starting to see why my husband wants to move closer to family. Friends are cool and all but sometimes they aren't enough. So when these friends say "oh let me know if you need help when the baby comes" my first thought is...um yeah...right....sure thing. I think part of it is just that life is so fast and busy for everyone. It stinks. It really deteriorates the quality of relationships-- marriage, friendships..everything. It probably doesn't help matters much that my husband is also pretty much oblivious to my being pregnant.. his head is in North Carolina already. Luckily when the baby does come it will cry a lot so he wont be able to ignore him/her anymore.

I probably sound like a big whiner right now but I actually feel some peace after experiencing this. I have always thought that saying that people are in your life for a "reason, season or lifetime" rang true. It definitely seems to be accurate in my life at the moment.

Men Truly Are from Mars

My husband was really working hard on his MBA and his part time role with the Marines here locally. He was always 100% distracted/obsessed/absorbed with those things. It was hard to get his attention when needed...for anything! If I tried to talk to him (ever) he was frustrated because, of course, he was engrossed in something school/work related. I always responded with, "Well, when can I talk to you then?" I kinda gave up. I thought it was just temporary.

Now he is out of school due to his upcoming mobilization. I thought that this would be an opportunity for us to reconnect before he left...since really he has no "duties" until he leaves. Guess I was wrong on that one. I'm at the end of my rope with it all. We have a baby coming in 4 or so weeks and we don't have a name, none of the baby stuff has been decided on, the emergency road delivery plan isn't made... the list goes on. How do I get some freaking attention around here? Ugh.

The emotional side of me is really worried about how this will impact our marriage. If he leaves and we are this disconnected, how are we going to survive a year apart? I feel like we are two strangers in our house...so how will being apart a year make things? It would be twice as weird, wouldn't it? Awkward? His response to my concerns-- it will just work out. Um...how? While he is off working and watching days turn into night rapidly-- I will be here with two kids pulling my hair out, crying and wishing for an emotional connection...because that is what women do. I'm totally fine with being a single mom for a year but I need some sort of sign that this separation isn't going to destroy our marriage. If strong marriages falter during a separation, what is going to happen to our frazzled matrimony over the next 12 months? Why doesn't he even seem concerned? Men are just weird. I have no idea how he is fine with all this but I'd pay big bucks to feel as carefree as he does right now.

Seasons Change

I am just so incredibly overwhelmed...and pregnancy just makes that feeling magnified! Fall is my favorite time of year. It is also one that pulls on my heart because a very special lady, Leanne, is forever embedded in fall in my memory and she lives in Indiana now. We both have little ones so visiting isn't that easy...so with every leaf, Pumpkin Spice Latte and other sign of fall I feel both happy and sad.

This fall season is one of an especially large amount of change for me and my little family. Our baby is due sometime in the next 34 or so days. My husband just received word that he is being mobilized to North Carolina within the next 45 days. He will stay there for 12 months. Now, when he first heard about this opportunity our whole family was moving. I was apprehensive about uprooting myself and a newborn (literally a newborn!) to a new state but I thought for a year it would be like an adventure. We would keep our house here...rent it to a trusted friend and just go live in NC while he worked. Well, the orders now indicate that he will be going without his family. This is really bothering me. First, I am planning to deliver our baby about 2 hours away in Iowa City. Coordinating that trip (in labor) plus rendezvousing with our friend who is going to watch our toddler was going to add enough complexity to it to make anyone crazy. Now he may or may not be here when I go into labor.

So once that hurdle is cleared I get to worry about handling a newborn and a very active 22 month-old. A is very well behaved (unless she's sick) and really not a handful. However, she does need to do something every day. She isn't going to be content lounging around the house all day while I try to get into a routine with the newborn. Plus, she'll be confused about sharing my attention with a baby and her daddy will be gone. Sleepless nights, crying, extra diapers, recovering from childbirth...etc...something I hadn't even worried about because I knew with Stephen around we'd be just fine.

The added detail that makes this sad for me-- to most people this doesn't sound too bad because they'll just call their mom, aunt, sister, cousin etc etc and have them rotate off or help out in any way necessary. All the ladies in families love babies and will take every opportunity to hold them, squeeze them and help a new mom out. This isn't an option for me. Stephen's family lives too far away and aren't the traveling type. Anyone who knows me really well knows what I'm saying-- I just don't have a relationship with anyone in my family so having help isn't an option for me.

On the positive side, there are a LOT of doulas nearby who are needing to make money so I'll be lining one or a few up to help during the early months after the baby is born.

This is definitely not a direction I ever imagined my life taking. I'm just glad I'm not the one making the decision because I don't want any responsibility in splitting our family up for this period of time. I don't see how it will cause positive change. While one of us is working a 9-5 the other will be managing a household 24/7. I know lots of women do it but I feel like this took me by surprise... I didn't sign up for it that is for sure.

First Taste of Military Life

Well I feel like a big baby for complaining for two weeks about not having my husband around. He comes home tomorrow but I feel like he has been gone forever. It already breaks my heart knowing how many moms and dads leave their children (and spouses) behind for deployments but having this two week introduction made it hurt even worse. Our family is fortunate that the type of role Stephen plays in the military means he is very safe here in the U.S. I can't imagine the fear and sadness moms and dads experience when their spouse is deployed.

Avery did very well the first week but by the middle of the second week she was very clingy and worried I was going to leave like daddy. I feel so bad for the moms and dads who have to deal with this for a full year or longer. When Avery cries for her daddy it just breaks my heart. I am fortunate because he's just a few states away and will be back soon I cannot imagine having him away to Afghanistan! Ugh.

This small taste of military life was a big eye-opener for me. I hope everyone who knows a military family takes an extra minute to check in on them. Little kids seem like they are unaffected but they really are...sometimes in very small ways. Mom or dad may be staying up late nights comforting the babes. They may hear a plane like little Avery and run home thinking they will see daddy. Such disappointment! These little things add up and surely make the time apart that much more difficult.

Much love and prayers to all who have moms or dads deployed!!!

Everyone's in Bed So I Turn to My Blog

Can I just say that I'm PISSED! P I S S E D. Yep I'm cursing.

After over a year of working my butt off for a company doing things that were paid as well as volunteer they have decided that I am no longer "adequate" for an aspect of the paid part of my duties. Oh but they would LOVE to see me continue the volunteer part. Um yeah, sure you would. There are maybe 5-6 other people who do the same volunteer role in other areas of the company but truth be told, I do WAY more work as a volunteer than anyone else. I don't do it for accolades or anything like that. I did it because the financial gain from the paid work was much appreciated by my family. I love(d) the company...what they stood for....the service they provided. I knew what was expected of me and I was helping others learn how to get accustomed to their knew role as a contractor for this company (all that stuff was my unpaid role). I saved the employees of this company a lot of time by volunteering...and I mean a LOT of time. I put out fires, reported thieves, filtered "complaints" and brought to light real questions and problems, herded the sheep, bandaged wounds...you name it-- I did it all-- virtually speaking of course.

So yeah...I don't get to do the same paid work anymore but they would love it if I would continue my volunteer duties--my choice. Jerks. Are you kidding me? You pee on someone who's given so much FREE time...how about some coaching if I need to improve? Or am I getting paid too much and you need me to work less? Was there SOME other way around this? I am pretty sure there was. Since you went the icky route...and had the gall to ask if I would still want to volunteer despite not getting to continue with the same paid role.... I have to say I am very disappointed in you.

I'm also disappointed in myself. I knew I was giving too much. I ALWAYS give too much. Sometimes I pout when I'm alone because people never give back equally...or at all most times. I can't give 10% I guess. I have to give it all or I don't feel like I've done enough. Would you call that having pride in your work ethic? When am I going to learn? I cut a lot of people out of my life in the previous 24 months because I was always the giver. I had a lot less stress when I got those people out of my life. I miss some of them but I know it isn't worth it. I need to learn not to give 100% all the time. I'm sick of getting peed on for being to generous... jerks.

My Munchkin Hates Me!

I sincerely don't believe she actually *hates* me but she has been awfully mean lately! About two weeks ago she kept waking up sneezing and then having a short-term drippy nose. I assumed that because I was having some allergy problems she was too. Well- a few days later we find out we infected pretty much every munchkin in our playgroup. Ouch...we deserve the dirty diaper award for that! Anyway, she was downright GROUCHY for days and days. It has not let up so far. Her symptoms of illness seem a little better--just a clear runny nose BUT she is so angry. She has been smacking me, scratching, pinching and yelling if I even look in her direction. She doesn't really do that to dad. Sometimes she tells him "no" that she doesn't want to play but she has not been nearly as awful towards him. I have a nice scab on my cheek where she removed a strip of skin! This is not mixing well with my already heightened sensitivity due to being pregnant.

I'm ready for her to be well and happy again. This is not fun. I can't really take her anywhere because she has the drippy nose but trying to keep her happy when she doesn't want me around...well....you can see my dilemma here. Ugh!

VBAC Journey Thoughts

I'm way over the half-way mark now.. so my thoughts about getting through this pregnancy are no longer about what I can eat that wont make me throw up but instead...how am I going to get this baby out and how badly will it hurt? Ha! I read at least one birth story per day, kind of like an affirmation. I must say that it has served me well. The closer I get to having this baby the more I realize how wounded I am from my first delivery...can I even call it a delivery? I didn't deliver my baby, a team of people in pale blue masks and green scrubs did. How sad is that? The more I think about it all the more angry I get. I carried a baby for 41 weeks and 1 day. I deserved to deliver my own baby and to hold her first-- before anyone else!

So many people consider a c-section a routine part of life. Just something that happens...and they move on. For some c-section moms it really is no big deal. For others, it causes wounds that are far greater than a 6 inch scar across the uterus. In order for me to face my future labor I have to get beyond my previous birth experience. I can still recall every second of my hospital stay and I remember exactly what is feels like and sounds like to be prepped for a c-section, to have the staples removed and to try and hold a newborn after being drugged so heavily. The first time I saw my baby I could hardly make her out. My vision was so blurry and I couldn't stop shaking. I remember the next time they tried to bring her to me I refused her. I felt so awful I didn't even want to hold my baby! Looking at her now I can't even imagine waiting 4 hours to touch her for the first time. What was I thinking? I try not to be mad at myself for refusing to hold her. I know she wont hold it against me and no one else will either. I just feel sick thinking that this is how I met my first child.

It all went wrong. I've spent the past 27 weeks doing everything I can to keep it from going wrong again. I am not entirely in control of how things will go but I definitely wont be receptive to any scare tactics this time. My experience has lead me to a new path in life and plans for a new career in the future. Every mother deserves the birth she wants. Most of us first-timers think it just comes naturally. It really doesn't. I mean, if we lived in nature and didn't rely heavily on the medical system-- then yes, every woman would probably have a great birth experience (Except for that small number of women who really may need a c-section). Instead, we follow all these routine practices of care or standard operating procedures as if my body is just like the previous pregnant body. We're all different but the medical system tries to make us the same.

In the grieving process of getting over my c-section, I'm a anger and bargaining but I'm nearing the depression stage-- the part where I will spend time reflecting and feeling as if no one understands why this is still bothering me. Lets hope I'm through the 7th stage by the time I enter into labor.

For anyone else preparing for a VBAC or trying to understand why c-sections are a big deal, head over to www.WillWorkforVBAC.com.