VBAC Journey Thoughts

I'm way over the half-way mark now.. so my thoughts about getting through this pregnancy are no longer about what I can eat that wont make me throw up but instead...how am I going to get this baby out and how badly will it hurt? Ha! I read at least one birth story per day, kind of like an affirmation. I must say that it has served me well. The closer I get to having this baby the more I realize how wounded I am from my first delivery...can I even call it a delivery? I didn't deliver my baby, a team of people in pale blue masks and green scrubs did. How sad is that? The more I think about it all the more angry I get. I carried a baby for 41 weeks and 1 day. I deserved to deliver my own baby and to hold her first-- before anyone else!

So many people consider a c-section a routine part of life. Just something that happens...and they move on. For some c-section moms it really is no big deal. For others, it causes wounds that are far greater than a 6 inch scar across the uterus. In order for me to face my future labor I have to get beyond my previous birth experience. I can still recall every second of my hospital stay and I remember exactly what is feels like and sounds like to be prepped for a c-section, to have the staples removed and to try and hold a newborn after being drugged so heavily. The first time I saw my baby I could hardly make her out. My vision was so blurry and I couldn't stop shaking. I remember the next time they tried to bring her to me I refused her. I felt so awful I didn't even want to hold my baby! Looking at her now I can't even imagine waiting 4 hours to touch her for the first time. What was I thinking? I try not to be mad at myself for refusing to hold her. I know she wont hold it against me and no one else will either. I just feel sick thinking that this is how I met my first child.

It all went wrong. I've spent the past 27 weeks doing everything I can to keep it from going wrong again. I am not entirely in control of how things will go but I definitely wont be receptive to any scare tactics this time. My experience has lead me to a new path in life and plans for a new career in the future. Every mother deserves the birth she wants. Most of us first-timers think it just comes naturally. It really doesn't. I mean, if we lived in nature and didn't rely heavily on the medical system-- then yes, every woman would probably have a great birth experience (Except for that small number of women who really may need a c-section). Instead, we follow all these routine practices of care or standard operating procedures as if my body is just like the previous pregnant body. We're all different but the medical system tries to make us the same.

In the grieving process of getting over my c-section, I'm a anger and bargaining but I'm nearing the depression stage-- the part where I will spend time reflecting and feeling as if no one understands why this is still bothering me. Lets hope I'm through the 7th stage by the time I enter into labor.

For anyone else preparing for a VBAC or trying to understand why c-sections are a big deal, head over to www.WillWorkforVBAC.com.

Counting Down the Days...

Obviously I'm counting down the days until this pregnancy ends which also happens to be the same day I get to meet this other munchkin. Not so obvious, I just realized that I have 98 days left to spend with my first born. Ugh, why does this break my heart?

It really truly makes me sad to think about sharing my time with Avery and this new baby. I know everyone does it and kids all turn out fine after having their role of only child taken away. I just hope she is the type of toddler who doesn't feel hurt or left out by the new addition. That will make it easier on her and of course me.

To keep myself from being too sad about this I just try to focus on the excitement I know she will have when playing with her new sibling. I'm trying to make sure we squeeze in all kinds of important moments in the time we have left. It wasn't sad for me to "give up" my life of being childless but for some reason it is really hard to give up being a mom to just one kid. Strange eh?

There are so many differences too! I am more apprehensive about the baby than I was with Avery. Once I got over the shock of actually being pregnant (with Avery) despite believing I could never have a baby, I was completely excited. I even showed up at the hospital for my induction without any fear. I don't know what I was thinking then but I sure wish I could think the same way now. Seriously, I showed up for a procedure that went so terribly wrong but I was smiling the whole time (until we prepped for surgery of course). I don't know, maybe it was my horrible birth experience that makes me more fearful of the labor and delivery this time. I just wish I didn't have this giant bump in the way while I spend the last 98 days with little Avery. It sure does inhibit a lot of the fun things we could be doing. I mean, I can hardly get down to give her a bath (here I am crying about that as I type it). Yep, those days are coming to an end.

Hopefully I don't sound crazy and other moms can relate to feeling this sadness over becoming a mom to two. Wait, did I just say it was sad to have a second baby? Now that sounds crazy!

Brainless

I know there really is evidence that pregnant women have memory and brain functioning issues, but man, I think it is worse this time than last. During my first pregnancy I could tell you how far along I was right down to the actual week and day. Now, I think I'm somewhere between 15 and 20 weeks?? It is June 5th but I thought last month was June...and keep calling it July. I guess I missed the fireworks already??

While I'm getting dumber, Avery is getting smarter. Thankfully! Someone in this house has to keep their brain. Every day we are amazed at her little tiny voice and all that she says with it. When she hears music she sings with it but she replaces the words with "Happy Birthday". I just love it when she does that, it is too funny. She puts strings of words together too! Tonight as the sun was setting she said, "oh no, bright sun" as the sun shined in her eyes. Too cute. Her new thing is to do this really awful dance when she hears a good song too. It is adorable, but I hope she gets better with age. Right now her form looks like she's tapping one foot while flapping her arms around and bouncing her hip all at once. Oh, and she shakes her hair with the beat too! What a geek.

Itty Bitty No More

Avery in March of 2009 and there she is at the end of February 2010.

Man I just had one of the most reflective weekends!!! I know what spurred it and am thankful. More on that later...but right now I have to tell you about our basement.

With spring coming around the corner we decided to sort the basement a bit. I had been throwing maternity, post-pregnancy, "fat" clothes and any infant/baby thing Avery was no longer using, down the stairs into the basement. We decided to put everything into tubs and label them.

Well- the emotional effort that goes into sorting your first child's clothing is intense. We had a bin for neutral/boy clothes and baby girl clothes. Touching Avery's first shirt she wore in the hospital, the beanie they put on her and then the outfit she went home in was so hard. Before doing this I don't think I could have described a single onesie that she used to wear. Holding each one up and folding it, I had all kinds of memories about her wearing this cute one and that cute one. Yeah- seriously- she's old enough that I have MEMORIES about her. I know a memory technically develops moments after the event occurs, but I was naive. With only 14-months of life with Avery (not counting the 42 weeks in the womb) I would never have believed her first days in my arms would seem so long ago. But they do! It was so hard for both Stephen and I to put those itty bitty clothes into a bin and realize how fast the time went. We spent so much time waiting for her next milestone that we missed those tiny baby moments, in a way. Obviously we enjoyed her baby moments but the next time I have a baby I wont be looking ahead so much. I want to spend more time in the moment.

Those of you with little babes...pull out some of those tiny baby clothes and give yourself a reality check. While it is so awesome to anticipate your child's next big thing- once it arrives, then what? The previous moment is gone! I'm pulling back the reigns on time. More photos, more journaling and more focusing on the moment. I don't want to put toddler clothes into a box and feel like I didn't get enough time with my one-year-old.

Ick

Germs and nasty weather! Yick! I was always an easily grossed out person but now...I'm extremely paranoid. I'd be happy to spend the rest of the winter in the house. Stephen and Avery may go crazy doing this but I'd be absolutely fine. I cannot hear anything but sick people coughing and all I see when I look around me at the store are germs. I'm pretty sure I would be fine with people pointing and laughing if I started wearing a mask and a HAZMAT suit. I don't care.

Poor little Avy finally has a real cold and it has been a humdinger. Seriously- it is now day 29 of the nasty little thing. Well, technically she's had one cold after another but they blend together after a while. Now she has the croup cough to go with all that. Luckily she is still a really happy baby. I don't know how we grew to be so fortunate but she still giggles (and then chokes and rubs snot everywhere) all day long.

Check out Avy's Kloakedoke. I'm obsessed with this awesome thing! We put it on a 4 year-old too and it still fit. It was so cute too!

Clearly a Goofball!

Babies change so fast! Everyone knows that. For the first 6 months of their lives they are pretty much impossible to figure out. One minute you know EXACTLY what they need, how to read them and when to do whatever they want you to do....and you do it perfectly for a day. Then in the middle of the night they change and you have no clue anymore. This is frustrating but time flies so fast you don't remember the past few days...instead you focus on the moment.

Well, right now I feel like things have slowed a little bit. Avery has been the "same" for about 3 weeks now. She gets up before the sun (this varies between 3:30-6:30am), plays for a few hours and MAYBE takes a nap once a day. She goes to sleep between 7 and 7:30pm. This isn't an absolutely concrete schedule...but it is the closest to perfect that she has ever created for me. Man- when you aren't spending time figuring out what to do for your baby- you get to know their personality so much more. Avery is an absolute goofball! She does things on purpose to be funny...I didn't even think at 8 months a baby had that type of intelligence. She sure does! When you tell her "no" or try to stop her from doing something (usually very dangerous stuff she is attempting) she lifts her chin really high, raises her eyebrows and goes "huh?" I swear in her head she is saying "what are you doing to do about it?" Then she laughs at you and stops. My favorite thing is when the neighbors dog barks (which it does CONSTANTLY). Avery crawls to the front door and looks out. She usually says "uhh" whenever the dog pauses. She squeals like a maniac on our walks when she sees a dog (and she can see a dog coming before I can).

I hope these type of days last....I know eventually she will start some new phase and the "slowness" will be gone. For now I'm recording every second of it on film, paper and photos. This is the start of her personality...I feel as if I am learning all about this new little human every day. It is absolutely amazing to watch a baby develop literally over night!

Its About Time

I feel so dumb! I know "time flies" and all that but I spent today in a real funk all about time. I swear a bazillion new projects fall into my lap...literally FALL into my lap all at the same time. I've learned to turn a bunch down over time. I'm a lot less busy than I once was but I'm still TOO busy.

Anyway- I thought I found a few things that would really make a difference in my schedule. Things that would allow me to spend more time with my family. Then I realized I would have to leave my daughter with someone other than myself. This could be a caregiver or it could be her dad. Regardless, I was sad. So sad I cried off and on at just the thought of it. Maybe this is normal but it lead to something else that made me more upset. Our wedding anniversary is coming up soon and we have spent more time apart than together.

This is not how I envisioned life as a family. No matter how many hours Avery is unconsolable, leaving her with someone else still seems unbearable. All I really want is to have my family home together for dinner. Even though Stephen is home in the morning until after lunch it isn't the same as coming home from work for dinner. The morning is a busy time with everyone getting ready for the day. It doesn't leave much time for just being together or even going off to play at the park.

I hope this time issue works itself out but for now I'm going to work on holding onto mine!

Time....

During pregnancy I was confused by the whole- 9 months but really it is 40 weeks-which is 10 months thing! That concept is nothing compared to me trying to figure out how old my daughter is. She was born 12/22 so on 6/22 that would be 6 months old. However, if you count the weeks she will be starting her 28th week of life tomorrow. So 28 weeks is 7 months. Ugh...I don't get it!

Today she was acting weird- she would be sitting totally happy with a toy and scream out in pain with tears. Well- Daddy stuck his finger in her mouth late in the day to see if she was teething and there was already a little tooth poking through! Wow! We can't believe it. I can't even imagine what she will look like with a little tooth in her smile. Awww...but she's changing so fast every day.

We are preparing for our first big trip away from home. We will be heading to Little Rock, AR (9 hours) and then to Keota, OK. I will be driving through the night so we don't change Avery's routine. YIKES! I'm normally not too afraid of crime or strangers but with Avery going to Little Rock I'm worried sick! We are staying near the River Market....

At least she got her tooth out of the way for now...

Crying Out Loud!

Oh man I am throwing in the towel! I've asked dozens- and I really mean dozens of mom's what they do to get their kid to sleep. I get an entirely different answer from each one. My poor girl used to do the same thing every night- sigh, yawn, look off into wonderland...I'd put her binky in and drop her in the crib. Within 5-10 minutes she was out for 9-12 hours.

Now...I spend no less than 3 hours per night listening to her cry. I find myself sitting at the bottom of the stairs or outside her room crying right along with her. I don't know what to do! I pick her up and she falls asleep right away so I know her needs are met. I put her back in the crib. She will either cry right then or sleep for 5 minutes and then wake. Well I have been trying to let her "cry it out". I let her go for 2 hours and 35 minutes tonight and she starting choking on whatever she started spitting up from crying. I felt soooooo horrible.

So this last time that I picked her up she clung to me as if she was fearing for her life. Then when I started talking to her- telling her she really needed to go to sleep- she started laughing at me. I just broke down. WHY!?!?!? This is just insane. I feel crazy. I go from laughing at her and thinking she is cute to crying. Am I letting her down? Why wont she sleep- what does she need from me?

The past 3 weeks have been so unproductive. I have so much to do and no time to do it because of my little munchkin. I love her to death but the crying is killing me!

Come Back to Love by Rachel Scott

I want to give you reason to love, an example to pursue. Your dad and I are doing our best to love each other and love you. I know there are times, I know there are trials. But we've always come back to love. I want to give you reason to trust, to believe what you can't see. The lesson of my life has been, learning how my God loves me. And though I am weak, and I have often failed, The Lord has always been faithful. Oh my child, the love of my life. It is my heart that I'll always do right, in your eyes. And if I ever let you down, please know my love for you in this song. My baby I want to do for you more than I could ever do. If I could have a prayer for you, please don't walk in my shoes. Just cling to the one, who calls you by name, and remember how much He loves you too. And He says, "You are the love of my life. It is my heart that you'll know why I died with you in mind. And if you think you've let me down, please know, please know, please know my love for you in this song." And always know that you can come back, back to love.

What a fabulous song! I wasn't expecting such a powerful message at the concert tonight. This just brings to mind how much responsibility I have as a parent to ensure that my daughter's Christian journey begins earlier in life than mine- and that she is a stronger Christian earlier in her life than I have ever been.

She's not so tiny anymore!

Avery wasn't really tiny to begin with...at least not compared to most babies. :) She is growing so fast. It's crazy that something can change and grow right under your nose and unless you think about the past you can't tell. What I mean is- if you don't purposely think about two weeks ago then you wont realize how much your little one has changed. I am so torn between being sad that she is growing out of the "tiny" baby stage so fast and wanting to see her walk and hear her laugh. She's so alert an interested in the world around her. Sometimes when I see that she is mesmerized I find myself mesmerized by the same thing because I am trying to understand what might be going through her little mind. Life seems so much better through her eyes. :)

When visiting friends this weekend we finally had the courage to take her to church. We've been a combination of apprehensive and too deliriously tired to make it. I'm glad we finally took her. Before she was born she would kick like crazy during the entire service and especially during the music. She loved listening to the music and "sang" along by cooing to the female vocalists. It was good. Life is pretty good right now- especially in Avery's eyes!