Come Back to Love by Rachel Scott

I want to give you reason to love, an example to pursue. Your dad and I are doing our best to love each other and love you. I know there are times, I know there are trials. But we've always come back to love. I want to give you reason to trust, to believe what you can't see. The lesson of my life has been, learning how my God loves me. And though I am weak, and I have often failed, The Lord has always been faithful. Oh my child, the love of my life. It is my heart that I'll always do right, in your eyes. And if I ever let you down, please know my love for you in this song. My baby I want to do for you more than I could ever do. If I could have a prayer for you, please don't walk in my shoes. Just cling to the one, who calls you by name, and remember how much He loves you too. And He says, "You are the love of my life. It is my heart that you'll know why I died with you in mind. And if you think you've let me down, please know, please know, please know my love for you in this song." And always know that you can come back, back to love.

What a fabulous song! I wasn't expecting such a powerful message at the concert tonight. This just brings to mind how much responsibility I have as a parent to ensure that my daughter's Christian journey begins earlier in life than mine- and that she is a stronger Christian earlier in her life than I have ever been.

It is Not about Me!

This blog is about me...but the main focus of our Christ Life discussion tonight was that our life is not about us.

This is probably a hard pill for everyone to swallow- myself especially. I found myself saying in my head- I'm not trying to be selfish- but I do want to live a fun life. I can understand how our lives are being consumed by chasing the dollar and whatever other materialistic/social/professional gains we obsess over...and that is SELFISH. However, what if we are focusing on how to simplify our lives in order to be focused less on ourselves?

I don't know- I get lost in here somewhere. I know the gifts I have- but how do I use them now and what ones do I use? If every day I am only taking care of my daughter, studying the Bible and taking care of our household responsibilities am I making my life about ME and not God? What does it look like to live a soulish life instead of selfish? Our facilitator said that everything we do should bring glory to God. Ok- I can totally appreciate the fact that He deserves it and that we should do this as often as possible- but this makes me feel like getting a latte is selfish. Does it really go all the way down the ecosystem- as in- God made cows-which make milk- and are a part of lattes...so God deserves glory for this- but what does that mean?

Ha ha. I had to get this out of my head. It is just as confusing out as it is in my head. At this point I'm pretty sure my life is more about me than it should be but I don't know any other way to live life. I have no clue what to do if I were to wake up tomorrow and say everything I do will be about God. I do feed a dog, a baby and my husband so I'm taking care of God's creatures.

I'm thinking too hard and feel drained. I thought I was done trying to figure out my "purpose in life" but I guess not.

I think I'm afraid of the dark...

Have you ever watched a scary movie and then been "afraid of the dark" as an adult? You know- where you pull all the blinds and turn on every light...but you really have no reason to be scared?

I've read about the death and resurrection of Jesus MANY times in the Bible but now that I'm actually "studying" as I read I got myself all freaked out. I feel like an idiot saying it (typing) aloud but I'm going to put it out there and hope it goes away now....but yeah... I'm afraid of the dark now. It is completely unreasonable and beyond crazy to be so scared but I literally jump into bed and throw the covers over me because I'm scared. I tried to visualize what it was that was making me feel scared but I can't. Am I worried God is going to show up and scare the pants off me or what? I have no clue. I just know that every time I get done reading my daily assignment I feel like I just watched a scary movie.

The Bible needs a Google search feature

Those of you that know me (or have spent even 10 minutes with me) you know that I'm a know-it-all...the annoying kind too! Well I'm in Phase II of Christ Life (www.christlife.org) and I feel stupid. I really feel like asking the facilitator to dumb it down for me (I apologize if that is an offensive way to phrase things). I've always been a good student and I'm quick to learn new things. However, this part of the Christ Life series is not sinking in. I don't know if it is technique or my own lack of effort.

Bits of what I heard tonight and my response are as follows:

Jesus will come down riding a white charger and we (if we are dead then) will be following. In my mind I just kept saying "Huh uh". So does that mean I don't believe in Jesus and all that has been explained in the scriptures? The whole mental picture that was being painted in class just made me say "no way...not true..I don't buy it!" Then I tuned out for another 10-15 minutes.

Jesus lived the law perfectly and thus because we were baptized in Him then so did we. Wait...what? I'm still sinning today and every day...we all are!! So how does this work? I don't even know the law well enough to know how I sin every day. I'm that far behind!

So Jesus is the second Adam because he did as the first should have.

I get this part. But is this true? Does that even matter or did someone just make the connection and think it was cool? So Jesus was perfect...I get it. The facilitator responded to this whole situation as if she were really moved...I don't feel that way.

Somewhere within the two hour class we were talking about how the Holy Spirit works and how we have to listen and see spiritually to recognize it. I posed the semi-hypothetical situation from my small group: A guy and a girl break up. He sees the girl in places where she normally never goes and sees her there more than one time. He takes it as a sign from God that he is either to talk to her or maybe they are to get back together. So I pose the question- just how is a person to know if that is God's intention or that it is just their own mind willing it to be so? The response I get It is in the Word. So read it and test it. WHAT? How...what page? Where is Google located within the Bible? I understand that we are to be "in the Word" daily etc. However, when faced with a situation that is live and going on at the moment what does one do if they don't know the Bible enough to just pull the right verse out of their brain? I'm not cool enough to have flashcards with themes on them to yank out whenever I need it.

Ugh..I don't know. I don't think I've ever felt so dumb or struggled to understand a topic before. The class's purpose is for us to identify the false things that we believed in the past (i.e. that we are worthless, unlovable etc...whatever our problem may be from growing up). Once we identify those then we are to replace them with truths from the Word. It is just not working for me. I'm spending a lot of time in this class trying to figure stuff out and it isn't adding up.

Married Single Parent

I'm so frustrated right now. I've been trying really hard to just let things be but I'm so ready to freak out. Stephen's job is consuming all of his time. He leaves the house around 4:15am and gets home anywhere from 5:30pm to 7:00pm. When he gets home he is so tired he falls asleep within 30-45 minutes. Avery is always hungry at this time so I'm busy feeding her and trying to throw dinner on the table. He eats and then falls asleep while I am putting Avery to bed and then I eat dinner.

Tonight he got home and turned on the t.v. He started to talk to me but then got distracted by the show. I asked a couple of times if he would finish what he was saying but I got no response. When the commercial came on I asked again but he forgot what he was saying. Avery screamed for 3 hours after dinner for no reason at all. She finally fell asleep but it was too late- Stephen was also asleep. He had mentioned going in to work tomorrow..it will be Saturday. We made plans to go to the mall so Avery could see the Easter Bunny and then go to lunch. Two of my friends (one of which has not met Avery yet) have finally settled on time to hang out. I feel torn. I have not spent any time with Stephen for weeks so I don't feel like I should go out with them for a couple of hours. At the same time, he wants to go in to work anyway so if I don't go with them he will just work longer. If I do go with them he will be home with Avery for a while but then will either go to work or fall asleep from going in to work really early.

I just hate it. I know he wants to be a big part of raising Avery but he is too tired. Money isn't worth this. I don't care if someone comes and takes our cars and our house...I really seriously don't care. What is the point of having a baby and wife you hardly see or spend time with? I feel like I'm a married single parent.

When he first started the job I complained about him working too much. They had him travel out of state for 4 weeks straight. Luckily my brother was home on leave or else I would have gone crazy spending 4 weeks alone with a 4 week old. Stephen said I made him feel bad by complaining so I stopped. I try really dang hard to just say, "oh, ok" whenever he tells me he is working late (every single night). There is no point to complain to him as it wont change. I just don't know what to do. His schedule says 5am-3:30pm and no one is telling him to get in to work and stay this late. He just takes it upon himself as he doesn't think he is getting enough done in his normal day. The more hours he works the less his pay per hour is...so at this point he could be working just about anywhere with less responsibility making the same amount per hour as he is right now. That is stupid!

I thought venting would make me feel better but it doesn't. I'm so sick of going to bed alone while he sleeps all crippled over on the couch where he fell asleep in the middle of whatever he was doing. I feel sorry for him as I know he is so tired but he is doing it to himself at this point. I don't understand how he cares to be around for Avery so much yet he wont stop working extra hours so he can actually see her.

If I don't get a break from her sometime soon or at least spend some time with my husband I don't know what is going to happen to my mental state. I love taking care of her and I want to stay home with her but I need a break once in a while. Even if it is just so I can go for a walk alone. Anything at all.

She's not so tiny anymore!

Avery wasn't really tiny to begin with...at least not compared to most babies. :) She is growing so fast. It's crazy that something can change and grow right under your nose and unless you think about the past you can't tell. What I mean is- if you don't purposely think about two weeks ago then you wont realize how much your little one has changed. I am so torn between being sad that she is growing out of the "tiny" baby stage so fast and wanting to see her walk and hear her laugh. She's so alert an interested in the world around her. Sometimes when I see that she is mesmerized I find myself mesmerized by the same thing because I am trying to understand what might be going through her little mind. Life seems so much better through her eyes. :)

When visiting friends this weekend we finally had the courage to take her to church. We've been a combination of apprehensive and too deliriously tired to make it. I'm glad we finally took her. Before she was born she would kick like crazy during the entire service and especially during the music. She loved listening to the music and "sang" along by cooing to the female vocalists. It was good. Life is pretty good right now- especially in Avery's eyes!

2008...what a year

I waited for my emotions to calm down before writing this but I've had a lot on my mind. 

First- many people tell you that the minute you actually have a baby you change. This seemed unbelievable to me but I now know that it is true. Literally, moments after taking care of my daughter for the first time I felt entirely different about a ton of things. The way I thought I would take care of her, raise her and who I would allow to be a part of her life prior to her actual birth are completely different from what I have in my mind now. I think part of that is instincts and another part of that is the strange happiness that overwhelms you. Ugh..its tough for me to say things like that but after spending my first day with Avery I had a change of heart about a few things. One of them was whether to let my mom meet Avery or not. For months prior to her birth I had made some black and white resolutions about my parents. Within a few hours of her birth I had changed my mind. For my mother this was a good thing...I decided that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to allow Avery to know her grandmother...under strict guidelines and supervision of course! I realized that my mom wasn't going to actually hurt Avery. Instead, the real problem would be making sure that she showed me respect in front of my daughter...or else she would no longer be allowed in Avery's life. We haven't had this conversation yet but it is coming. 

For my dad things have changed in a negative manner. I wanted so badly to have a normal relationship with him and to drive the 1 hr and 15 minutes to his house so Avery could hang out with her grandpa and grandma and uncle...but his response (or lack of) during my entire pregnancy (and life for that matter) confused me so much more now than ever before. When I felt the way I did when I met Avery I was hit in the chest so hard I couldn't control my feelings. I know Stephen felt the same way. Instantly my mind went to my dad...how could he have avoided the feelings that I was feeling for Avery..the day that I was born? I was his first kid. He went on to have another kid with my mom so he must not have been too unhappy YET. If he did feel that strong feeling...how did it go away? If he didn't feel it...why did he have more kids? Anyway- there is nothing that would keep me from Avery no matter what life brings. So I just don't see how my dad can stay out of my life the way that he does. I've sent him a letter explaining some things but I'm done making any effort to include him in my life and in Avery's. 

On a more positive note...2008 was probably THE most messed up year of my life. Everything that could go wrong did....and yet the "wrong" was perfectly right. I somehow managed to quit everything I was doing at the start of the year and start doing things I never dreamed I would do. At this very moment I have no clue how life lead me to this point...and so quickly. I know there is no way I had anything to do with it. To get from where I was on 1/1/2008 to where I am now would seem impossible. I mean- how do you get from living with an ex, going to school, working a job that eats up your life to being married, having a baby, working from home and being happier than you could ever imagine? I think that is what surprises me the most. I've been working so hard for so long to achieve this happiness....and all I really had to do was stop trying so hard. In fact, I had to make choices that were not the most responsible and well-thought out in order to arrive where I am right now. 

Hmm...  so much changed for me in 2008. I think 2009 will be the first year that I actually  live my life...