Not Really A Cliche

I bet we can all list off 5+ cliches without hesitation. In the right moment those cliches probably offer strength and reassurance. Any other moment they are just...well...cliches!

I don't think I have ever had an experience in my life that really made me rethink my every waking moment--until recently. Part of me is confused about why this particular event has had such an impact on me and part of me is thankful that it did. I'm extremely guilty of saying, "It will be better/different/easier later." I'm constantly putting off things in anticipation of a more ideal moment for doing them. Disorder in my home always puts me in a bad mood. I'm constantly trying to keep up with the mess so I can get rid of my headache. I always say that as soon as the house is clean we will go do this or that. What is the point really? There is only one day like today (and I have no idea if that is a cliche but it sure has potential, eh?).

I've been thinking about the things I do every day that I don't really care to do. I've been trying to make a list of the things that really matter to me. It is so difficult to cross off things like laundry and replace them with other events like exploration. Why? Is it all my personality or something else? Hmm. I'll probably never answer that but the one thing I can control is what I do with my time every day. Well, sort of. I can't control everything because my kids usually decide what I get to do most of the day.

My crazy mind can't just "wing it" on a daily basis so I have had to make a list of the things that I need to do every day. Some of the things are necessities (like cleaning) and others are interests (like going to the park). Normally I try to do the necessities first...which leaves me with no time to do anything else. I've decided to turn the list upside down... what was once at the bottom of the priority list is now at the top. I may never have a house clean enough to invite a friend over to visit... but at least I wont have (as many) regrets. I don't ever want "yesterday" to be my last day with someone and to have spent it doing things that weren't important. I'd rather squeeze in the cleaning over squeezing in spending quality time with the people I love.

Its Not Entirely Their Fault...

My first pregnancy I was an uneducated mom-to-be who read books like, "Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy" and "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I trusted my caregivers 100%. The only reason I switched, at 36 weeks, from a group of OBs to midwives was that the OBs never told me about childbirth classes or baby care stuff. We just felt that the OBs weren't educating me enough or answering my questions without rolling their eyes. See problem #1 is that pregnant women expect education from their prenatal care provider (PCP) but that is definitely not the place for it in modern medical settings. Even the midwife group I attended didn't have time to fully educate me. Looking back, I now see that it really is the mom-to-be's responsibility to educate herself.

I read a lot of blogs and articles pointing fingers at the health care system and how it "medicalizes" birth and treats it like an illness. While I totally agree that standard operating procedures (SOPs) within the healthcare system have lead to birth becoming less of the natural process it is meant to be, I think ignorance in women is perpetuating this problem. I watched the premiere episode of "One Born Every Minute" after reading The Feminist Breeder's review of the show. Within 10 minutes I was annoyed to the point that I shut the show off. A few minutes later I turned it back on because I just *had* to see what these uninformed people did. And yes, I'm sorry, but I'm calling people names here. The moms=to-be aren't entirely at fault but they didn't make the situation any better. While one mom was all about getting the epidural I don't have any serious issues with her. She is fully on board with medical birth. Fine. Have it your way. The nurse commentary during this particular labor was appalling. Stating that giving birth without an epidural is like getting a tooth pulled without novocaine. Um...really? I am pretty certain (and I suck at history) I recall reading about numbing tooth pain with alcohol (rubbed on or drank) before pulling a tooth. I don't recall any vaginal alcohol application or drinking during labor... it has ALWAYS been done naturally until modern medicine changed it. It was almost a rite of passage. Anyway...no one HAS to have a baby without drugs. BUT--they should be making an INFORMED decision to take the epidural. I'll be totally honest, when I was pregnant the first time...I set out to go drug-free just to experience it. I hadn't really been informed of the risks to both the baby and to my labor. I just wanted to do it...the way it was intended.

Other comments that I heard in the show-- one mother-to-be's own mother was totally critical! Ugh. The poor lady was trying to have a natural childbirth and no one was helping her at all....at least not from what we saw on film. She just stayed on her back in that bed! WHY WHY WHY! No ball and no other options were shown. Perhaps she refused them but if a nurse didn't suggest it...and why the heck didn't her mom get over there and help her out? The c-section seemed like it may have been prematurely called but I am sure a lot of the details towards the end were edited out to protect the hospital. Finally, the natural birth mama was harassed by the nurse. I can't believe the nurse came out and reported that they were more in charge than she was. I WOULD HOPE SO!

The most amazing thing...after the show aired I read TONS of people saying that the natural birth mama was crazy and she was the only one certain groups of people "picked on". They thought she was belligerent and offensive... disrespectful for not letting the nurse do her job. Really? I'm pretty sure the nurse's job was to SERVE the client. The client wanted to do it her way...without harassment.

The sad part is that I have conversations with women who think that birth MUST be medicalized. Natural birth is the oddity. Women truly believe that they MUST do something when a doctor says they must. I'm not saying we should argue like we know better than the professionals...but we should at least ask WHY and WHAT IF I DON'T?

I'd give anything to go back to the day of my induction. I know that I would have agreed to the induction. I was 1 week and 1 day overdue and at that time I had not read that going late is totally the norm. Even without any extra education I still could have asked to wait and see what happens. My baby was doing fine I just wasn't progressing...but I also wasn't given time to progress. See...I've heard dozens of doulas and midwives say that it is *not uncommon for a first time mom to have prodromal labor* in fact, it seem that it is a part of almost every first birth in some fashion. Did my midwife know this and think...today is the 22nd of December....if I let her run this out like a normal first time mom...we will be getting out of here on Christmas Eve?? Huh? No seriously...why else did we call it a day and have a c-section? We had only done pitocin for 4 hours. I had only really been attempting labor for 10 hours by the time my baby was taken from my body.

I should have asked what would happen if I waited...what would happen if we just stayed put for a few more hours...another day? What if I had read about birth more and realized that 24 hours is ok..especially if my water hadn't broken (and PS...even if it has broken...it is still pretty OK to keep laboring as you are).

Ugh... my natural birth activists must realize that it isn't entirely their fault...the medical profession...right? Women are just blindly accepting it all. They just show up for prenatal visits and show up for birth. To change this cycle a PCP would have to give the mom a checklist...a book...a list of books...and tell her to educate herself. But why would he/she want her client educated...wouldn't that lead to a fight during labor? This is an awful cycle. How do we stop it?

Don't Say You Want Honesty...When You Don't!

People are ridiculous. We are idiosyncratic by nature. We claim to want honesty but when we hear it we are offended. The "does this make my butt look big" joke is an old cliche now but it is a key example of what I'm talking about. When we speak the truth we have to censor ourselves. Avoid being too abrasive. Be sure to be sensitive to various populations...but wait...that "various populations" group is infinite if you think about it. You can't be totally honest when you talk to anyone because you are likely to offend them. Ridiculous! Someone who is deeply insecure may be offended because he is too scared to make the same decisions you make. Instead of accepting that and being inspired by you-- he resents you and is offended by your honesty. Ridiculous! This situation probably comes up most often for mothers and politicians (and any other group considered to be radicals!). A mom or a politician can say what everyone is thinking but still be frowned upon. Why? Is it social conformity? Passive obedience? Ignorance?

Maybe its me. Maybe I just share too much. I think I'm helping pave the way for others to speak honestly but instead I'm just the town crier, the local hobo...the person everyone points and stares at? If only I had the luxury of a label then maybe I'd know when my honesty would be appreciated and when it would be offensive. Or maybe everyone needs to get thicker skin and be a little more honest themselves!

Spring

I have no idea why but I swear I smelled spring today. I am super awesome at picking up on the first signs of fall (my favorite season) but spring is hard to spot...especially in Iowa. Maybe it was the sunshine that was deceptive or the slushiness outside. Heck, it is ONLY January so I better stop thinking spring. I just can't wait for it this year though because Avery was just starting to love running around outside over the summer and fall..and she loves animals and flowers. It will just be a great time of exploring with her. And I can't wait to ditch the heavy coats! Have you ever tried to wear one while carrying a toddler and a baby? They stink!

So far the weather here has made it pretty hard to be sad about moving. I've enjoyed throwing lots of things away and putting several boxes of items up for sale online. I don't look forward to leaving the house for the last time because this is my first real home...with pictures on the wall! But it just doesn't feel like the home it did when Stephen was here...it feels temporary like all the other places I lived. This change will be good. We have hardly been a family of four. We have a lot of catching up to do.

Stating the Obvious

You can really tell how you feel about something/someone/someplace when it is gone...or threatens to leave. Des Moines hasn't treated me super well in the past year or so but preparing to leave still makes me sad. I can't really tell if it is the fear of change or leaving some people behind that makes me so sad. I've moved all my life. Staying in this area for 10 years is an all-time record for me. I think the longest I stayed anywhere prior to this was 2 years. I already lack childhood friends from all those moves and now this. People try to comfort others by saying that true friends will stay friends no matter the distance. Yeah, I can say that in one instance this has been true for me. I just think that all my friends have kids and that makes nurturing friendships very low on the list of things to do every day.

I'm hoping that as our move day gets closer the positive side of moving will overwhelm the negative side. Of course I want to be with my husband--especially for the sake of the girls--but part of me is worried that I'm boarding some ship that is going to set sail and never port for very long again. I felt the same way growing up. As soon as I felt like I had friends and wasn't being picked on for being the new kid anymore--we picked up and moved. I used to cry so hard I made myself sick. Every single time we moved...even if no one liked me yet...I still cried so hard. Ick. Maybe I wouldn't be so freaked out if this move wasn't premised as a temporary thing. Avy is old enough now that she remembers her friends and actually asks to see them. I feel bad that I'm moving her. I know she'll adapt and be fine but I can't help but worry that it will hurt her a bit. I also created a moms group with the intention of letting all of our children grow up together. I love that we have all started out together with our tiny babies as new moms and now we get to watch as one-by-one they go through the same phases (with mine going through it all first as the oldest of the bunch!). That is all something I can't create again no matter where we go. Kind of like wishing you could recreate a first date...you just can't.

Matched

My husband and I met on eHarmony three years ago tonight. It is really strange but I was surfing the internet trying to get tired and I felt strangely nostalgic. I know the matching process is entirely computerized but tonight I swear I felt some sort of alarm or something. I had completely forgotten our "match date" but something told me tonight that this was it. I pulled up the files of our saved messages from the site and sure enough, we were matched on this date!

It seems like it should be more than 3 years ago considering all the stuff we have accomplished-- like having two children! HA. It has been a very eventful life so far. I can't honestly say that I hope things continue the way they are...but I do feel fortunate in many ways. I just hope this next year is a little quieter and it would be great if we could all be together again.

Silence!

For the past 9 weeks Ainsley has cried...the kind of cry that makes her face turn purple and she chokes on mucus that her throat produces to protect itself from all the friction. I'm sitting here in a quiet house and I just finished a HOT cup of tea. I'm reflecting on this 9 week journey and it is making me emotional...angry...sad...disappointed. First, let me just say that I am angry at having asked for help from so many "experts" and received shitty answers. My pediatrician said...wait until she's 12 weeks and she'll stop crying and in the meantime- don't have anyone but family watch her for you so they don't hurt her...and I should put that in quotes because that is exactly what she said! My midwife fed her formula and breastmilk in a bottle...and had decent results but they didn't last. My osteopath found that her rib was out of place and her back and neck were out of line. I made a trip to the ER and was given a colic packet that said to put the baby somewhere safe and let her cry and to go to the ER if I thought I would hurt her. The doctors there also told me to drink a Mt. Dew and prepare myself to have no sleep and to drink a glass of wine while she cried and not go to her until the glass was empty. Hmm. Yeah no wonder moms shake or hit their newborns. I know that most of you would read that and say, "oh no, not me, I would never get that upset." And my response: no...you wouldn't...because most babies don't cry like this! I wouldn't do it either...but in the past 9 weeks I have thought things that I feel ashamed for thinking and I have yelled and punched things (like doors and pillows) and cried a desperate cry that I have never experienced before. I reached a point of exasperation where I was no longer frantic to make my baby feel better but instead...I just wanted her to stop crying...whatever the cost! Thankfully after dialing several numbers in my phone I was able to reach people who could help. This Sunday I really reached a point where I could no longer handle the crying...and it started at 6:45am and went until 4pm with a short break and then went on again until sometime between 9 and 10pm that night. And this wasn't UNUSUAL this was just a day following a week all of us having the flu.

The same amazing mom I've written about in the past came to stay over Sunday to pretty much make sure I didn't hurt my baby...(don't judge me until you've listened helplessly to your newborn cry for hours on end and have no family nearby to help out). That night we dug a little deeper into a breastfeeding issue that I kind of thought I had in the beginning and that this mom mentioned that she thought fit in line with what we were experiencing. We figured out how to compensate for it-- it is a foremilk/hindmilk imbalance. It is characterized by green poo (sometimes mucousy), crying, pain, gas and general discomfort due to being less satisfied after eating. I also had a lot of symptoms that fit with this (painful letdown, excessive leaking and spraying, fullness etc). You know..the fix is rather simple so why the hell didn't any of the "professionals" I consulted ever mention it? All I did beginning Monday morning was nurse her on the same side for 2 feedings and then later that day I used a hand pump to pump past the let down phase before feeding Ainsley. It is now Friday..5 full days later and Ainsley hasn't cried for more than 30-45 seconds at a time (except in the car seat but that is normal).

Back to my emotional state-- I feel sad that I missed out on the first 9 weeks of my daughter's life because we were fighting this horrible battle together. I missed out on snuggling with a tiny little baby that just sleeps all day. She has NEVER slept all day. I set out to really enjoy the stages of Ainsley's life because I know that there is a really good chance that this is the last baby we will have. I know every mom always sets out to soak up every minute but I really wanted to just enjoy it because I knew what I was doing this second time around.

The past is the past..and I am so thankful that Ainsley seems to be "better" now. I am scared to really believe that the crying is over because I think I will be crushed if it starts again. In the meantime...my house is so quiet and that means both my girls are doing just fine.